New Mantra

I was reading somewhere (I flit though so many websites,  I can never recall where I read what)  and the phrase "Love people, use things" caught my eye.

I think we get so out of shape in our Western society,  when we do the opposite - love things and use people.  Using people is terrible,  it belittles them and us.  And when work places and culture treat people as disposable,  as gadgets that can be swapped in and out with no thought or compunction,  that's when we get our societal ills.  And when we add to that,  that so many people love things - clothes, cars,  money,  houses,  more than they love the people in their lives,  that's also when everything can go wrong.

So appreciate the things in your life,  the joy of collecting,  the ease of ownership.  But don't love them.  Love the people and animals you chose to bring into your daily life.  Love people,  use things.  It's a great mantra. 

While I was looking for images for this piece,  I realized that this mantra is a book title - Love People,  Use Things,  by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus.  I haven't read the book,  but I love the title! 

Work Energy, Love Energy

Sometimes people come to me for a reading,  and their work cards are all great - bright and glowing,  with energy and movement.  But their love cards are stagnant, with no flow there at all. So I say,  work is easy right now, put your energy there and you will get quick rewards.  Maybe you should ease off looking for love and focus on your work.  

One of my clients said to me,  you've been saying that for three years.  Really?  I checked my notes and she was right,  her work cards are always Aces,  connecting, networking,  getting promoted,  all of that comes effortlessly to her. But love doesn't.  So I said to her,  what are you doing at work,  that you aren't doing in relationships?  And without hesitating she said,  "I know my value at work."  But with people,  with men,  she was not as confident. 

So we spent the session talking about transferring some of that confident self knowledge from work,  and putting it more into play with dating.  She can instantly recognize if a project has potential, needs nursing,  needs to be scrapped. Can she do that analysis on every 3rd date?  Maybe she is rejecting too soon,  or nursing the connection along too much,  or not scrapping it when it is clearly going nowhere. But if she gives herself this task,  go on three plus dates with anyone,  then do an analysis, and see if that gets her more of what she wants. She thought that was an interesting idea.  We'll have to wait and see if the cards get warmer once she starts doing this.

Love Kernels

I did a reading a while ago (but still in time of Covid) and a woman was telling me about her relationship with a man who she was not living with and due to the current circumstances could not see.  He would respond to her every third or fourth text,  never initiate but never say no either.  

And I said,  you are living on Love Kernels,  from Crazy Ex Girlfriend.  She didn't know it,  so I sent her this:



Later she wrote to me and said you are so right!  My god I thought I was the only one and here's a whole song about it.  

She's not the only one... 

Puppy Love

I had a reading the other day where a woman told me of a new man she was dating.  His biggest sadness after his last break up was losing custody of the dog, and my client,  who volunteered at a shelter,  offered to find him one. She came across the perfect pup and he met her and brought the dog home.  They have been dating for about 6 months now,  he’s had the dog for around 4 months,  and she said that she knows this is irrational,  but one of the things that just goes right to her heart is how easily and often he says “I love you” to the puppy,  when he has never said it to her.  And I smiled at her and said “but he owns the dog.  He knows that puppy isn’t going anywhere!”

Humans are so much more complicated, harder to approach, easier to betray, can prioritize work or family or other foolish things above you.  Dogs are simple things to love.  Though feeling love and saying it, even if it is to a puppy, is at least good practice at expressing emotions.  The cards liked him, and she likes him very much, and we are hopeful that he will speak to her soon of love…

36 Questions

These are questions to facilitate and increase intimacy.

They were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, who wrote them for a study about falling in love.  I like them as a list of questions,  to ask yourself,  to ask a current friend/lover,  or to ask a new friend/lover to see if the relationship is worth deepening.   After the questions,  Aron advocated looking into each other's eyes for four full minutes (long time!)   

Try it and see what works for you:

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

These questions were referenced in the New York Times article - To Fall in Love with Anyone,  Do This  The article in the New York times found the silent glance at the end,  the clincher for 'falling in love'.

 

I just read the laugh out loud rebuttal from New York Magazine,  To Fall Out of Love,  Do This.   It felt so true,  and so funny...

Recording the readings

Pol Ledent,  Dreaming in the Garden

A while ago I did a reading for a 27 year old woman, bored at work but they are paying for her to complete her masters, so she knows she has another two years there.  Her issue is that she is searching for a stable relationship, but she is not finding it.

The reading ended with a moving talk about her mother. She drew 2 of cups for her - they love each other, but also she feels judged, her mother is always hassling her to get married. But she wants it too, they are on the same page, it’s just that she hasn't met anyone.  So she just has to say that - I want stability and love too, it’s a sadness for me that I haven’t found it yet, and her mother will settle down.  She told me she wished she had recorded the reading after that discussion.   

Now I always encourage people to record the readings.  Initially I didn’t care so much, but I get such frequent feedback about it, that people often listen to the reading a couple of times, that it was very helpful, that now I really try to get everyone to do it.  If you don’t want it, you can delete it, but if you do want it, and you don’t have it, then there is nothing to be done…   

How do the cards know?

Recently a client came to see me, whom I had not seen for several years.  Three years is a long time,  the old cards would no longer be relevant,  but I looked them up anyway (I used to make notes,  I now make a postcard of every reading,  photograph it and give it to you,  so you have a copy of all the cards you drew and so do I.) 

The old cards were all about work, she was at a career junction then.  This time, there were no work cards at all,  and she was ‘a little freaked’ in her own words,  to see the 3 of swords at her core,  and a scattering of swords throughout her reading.  How did the cards know?  she asked me.  Last time they were so sunny and optimistic about work (and accurate, she landed a great job) and now it’s all about heartache and pain, how did they know that? 

I said that’s what the cards do: they reflect your energy, where you are at right now.  People sometimes say to me,  well the cards will say that about anyone, and I say no,  if your love life is great, you draw great love cards,  if your work is awful your cards show that too.  The cards really do shift according to what is going on in your life at this point in time. 

For those worried about her future – she drew the Ace of Cups, the current relationship was no good,  but love is not far away for her!

Loving what we want to see

A friend and I were discussing the recent movie version of the Great Gastby,  and I said something like,  Gatsby's tragedy was that he didn't even know Daisy,  he never really saw her.   And it reminded me of this quote from Gone with the Wind...

 “I loved something I made up, something that’s just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.”
Scarlett in Gone with the Wind

People come and tell me things like this all the time... it's so important to see the person as they truly are,  and not put your own suit on them...

Fourth Year Anniversary

I've been writing this blog for 4 years now.  It's been a source of real joy for me. Initially I wrote it to show people that I am informed about the tarot. And indeed, I’ve gone through every single tarot card (just type the card you are interested in the left hand corner near the B, blog symbol and it will come up.) 

I’ve gone through the layout I use – Celtic Cross,  I’ve gone through the numbers,  what does it mean if you get lots of Aces etc…   I’ve written about issues as they have come up  - fertility, love,  what the cards reveal.  I’ve had people write to me that they dipped in for a minute and stayed for 20, which gives me great pleasure. 

Tarot is not a tool to say that on March 23^rd you are going to meet a talk dark handsome stranger. It doesn’t ever claim to be able to predict in that way.  Tarot is a tool to see where your energy is strong and where it is stickier.  Where you can easily crest the wave (it’s a good time to look for new work /new opportunities at the existing work place right now) or where you need to shift (whatever you are doing to find a new job, it’s not working; it’s time to rethink and re-strategize your plans.)

If you come to me we always start with a cold reading, where I know nothing of you and just tell you what the cards tell me.  And then we analyze those cards – where do they work for us, where do we need to change, what’s not going to happen, what are we willing to do… 

Very pleased to have reached this point and looking forward to writing up the fifth year anniversary too… 

I hope the cards are wrong…

One of my regulars who comes and sees me every 5 months or so, bounded in last time, so happy about this new boy that she had met.  I was so glad to see her happy and I wanted it to work, but when I looked at the cards, they were clearly not encouraging: 5 pentacles / 6 swords / 6 cups / 10pentacles.   The cards saw her feeling out in the cold, moving on with sorrow, needing to see things clearly and him having family issues or complications. 

And when she came this time I said, as I always do, don’t tell me anything let me see what the cards say. And the first card was the 10 of swords and I looked at her, and said, it didn’t work with him did it?  I had so hoped the cards would be wrong!  And she laughed at me and replied you know the cards are never wrong…

It turns out that this was a good learning relationship, she set clear boundaries, and she felt good about the breakup.  And we are hopeful for the next relationship (though that 6 of cups keeps popping up.  It’s so important to let go of the rose tinted glasses and see clearly…)  

I always differentiate between what I see and think/want and what the cards say.  If we ever disagree, the cards and I, I always give them more weight…

What the cards tell me...

Here is a sample of how I work.  A client asks me about a man she is seeing, I quickly tell her to give me no details, just tell me his name and shuffle the cards, thinking about him.

She draws:  9 wands / tower / ace pentacles / 5 swords / 10 wands

I said it was a struggle all along, but you were doing ok and then it was the tower, something terrible, destructive, he was unfaithful.  Now he is offering a fresh start, trying to make her buy in, but if she does, he will let her down again and eat her energy.  She looks at me, and said:  That’s exactly what’s happening. 

So the cynical amongst you could say, well everyone coming to you has that sort of problem.  So here are the cards for the next reading when a different woman asked about her relationship:-

 

She draws King of Pentacles / Sun / 10 cups reversed. 

And I said, he’s a good man,  a stable man, a good husband,  you are happy,  warm in the sun, but there is a pang at the end,  the happy ever after, you,  2 kids, the rainbow,  it’s upside down.  And she said, you are right, we are happy, he is good, but he doesn’t want kids.  If he wanted kids I’d have them, but I’m okay with his choice, I’m happy with him, but there is that twinge…

I didn’t know anything about either woman; I just read the cards they drew…

Unequal Loving

When people ask about love, the card they want to see is the Lovers card.  But the love card I like best is the 2 of cups.  Sometimes when we are young, to feel safe, we want the other person to love us more than we love them; or to feel that this is a grand experience, we want someone to adore. But a mature love is when both people put the same amount of energy into the relationship, which is what the 2 of cups symbolizes for me.

Recently I had a reading where a good man loved my client, but she didn’t love him back, and the more he loved her, the less she could breathe.  I said that just because someone has feelings for you, you are not obligated to return them. You don’t have to love someone back.  What you do have to do is be kind, and treat them gently, but their feelings don’t make them deserve you. 

I’ve given several readings for people who have told me it’s easier to be the unrequited lover, than be the one who doesn’t love back.  If you are offering something beautiful and they don’t take it… then that’s their problem.  But what if someone is offering you something beautiful but you don’t want it… it’s hard to say no without feeling guilty. It’s hard to say no when they want it so much, but just because they want it, doesn’t mean it is right for you…

That’s why I find the Two of Cups so beautiful – when both lovers are putting the same amount of energy into the relationship, creating a perfect balance.

Last picture,  Blooming Wisteria, by Aida Markiw

Ritual of Burning

I hate to sound too new age, but sometimes we are just energetically entangled with someone or something and they are not giving us any energy back.  I’ve seen people who are energetically entwined with someone who is dead (e.g. - the person who is still furious and reacting against a parent who has passed).

I often read for people who are energetically entangled with a relationship that did not work.  The other person has moved on, may even be living with someone else, but the person in front of me just can’t seem to let them go.

So I suggest the Ritual of Burning.

Go and buy some expensive, beautiful paper – plain lined paper is not good enough.  Buy lots of it, 50 sheets at least, so you don’t have to have any anxiety that you might run out.  Then one day, when the apartment is quiet, turn off your phone, shut down the computer, take a sheet of that beautiful paper and start to write.  Write everything, good or bad that you have thought about that person – how much loved them, how much you hate them, your sorrow, your bad wishes, everything, without restraint.  Write until you’ve feel you’ve said it all, until your hand starts to cramp.  It’s okay to cry while you write. 

After you feel you’ve written enough - and this is really important,  you don’t want to keep that paper alive in your house -  you then put that paper in a fire proof dish and you set fire to it,  and watch it burn,  watch the words curl up and turn to ash,  watch the energy go up into the air.

You can do this as many times as you like – every night for weeks if need be (no one ever does that, but you have permission, if you want.) There is something about having that torrent of feeling/energy leaving you, going on to the containment of the page, and then being burnt, turning to smoke and ash, that just lets some of that energy go.

There will come a time when you just don’t feel like doing it anymore, where the need is not so intense… and that means you are not so energetically entwined with that person anymore.  Now you have space for someone new to enter your life…

Love shows us the way

The tarot cards are on a journey, each balancing or playing off the one before it. If the Hierophant was group rules and beliefs, the lovers are personal beliefs and commitments – it doesn’t get much more intimate than lovers!

People generally like getting this card, which I have found comes up in many more readings than other cards. Well, love, relationships, intimacy, it’s a core desire and one which brings many people to tarot readings, so it’s not surprising that it comes up often.

Also it’s an image and card that most people can interpret for themselves. The woman who recently separated from her husband gets the Lovers card upside down in her reading – you don’t need to be an exceptional Tarot reader to figure out what that meant…



Inner child card series represents the Lovers as Hansel and Gretel in the woods – and I like that image - sometimes when we fall in love, we feel so young and vulnerable, like we're lost in the woods. The card warns that there will be genuine obstacles in the way, that love can have weakness (the father who allows himself to be convinced to let the children go) as well as strength (the siblings who see each other through) and greed - shiny things (or candy) can distract us and lead us astray. But love, the intangible, can guide us and lead us to safety.


Love is also about choice – you chose one person to love, you give up all those other fish in the sea. The above image isn't a Tarot card, but I liked it because it shows that to chose Love, sometimes you have to turn your back on other options.

Sometimes the choice is not about a lover per se, but a very important aspect of your life – one girl got the Lovers card when she wanted to know if she should go to a better college far away or a less established one closer to her family. She saw it and immediately said, which one will I find my true love at? But I said, in this case it’s not about Love, it’s about choice. You are about to make a profound choice, the selection of which will bring certain options into your life and eliminate others. We hate that idea, that options are closing/leaving, but that is one of the aspects of love – I chose You, so I can’t have anyone else…