36 Questions

These are questions to facilitate and increase intimacy.

They were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, who wrote them for a study about falling in love.  I like them as a list of questions,  to ask yourself,  to ask a current friend/lover,  or to ask a new friend/lover to see if the relationship is worth deepening.   After the questions,  Aron advocated looking into each other's eyes for four full minutes (long time!)   

Try it and see what works for you:

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

These questions were referenced in the New York Times article - To Fall in Love with Anyone,  Do This  The article in the New York times found the silent glance at the end,  the clincher for 'falling in love'.

 

I just read the laugh out loud rebuttal from New York Magazine,  To Fall Out of Love,  Do This.   It felt so true,  and so funny...

A young man's experience

Recently I stumbled across this article.  In 2011 I did a reading for this young man, and this is what he wrote

“Liat Silberman, an Australian expat who reads fortunes in TriBeCa, wasn’t sketchy at all. She charges 100 bucks per reading*, is often booked months in advance, and does her tarot-card deciphering in upscale cafés. She was pleasantly matter-of-fact as she laid out a “Celtic cross” arrangement of cards and told me what she saw: I was low on money, anxious and uncertain about the future and not making enough time for friends – if I continued this way I might fall into repetitive, materialistic patterns of addiction, represented by a suitably ugly Devil card. She saw two women in my future, but – she turned over a card featuring a guy facedown with a mess of swords in his back – things weren’t going to turn out well with either of them.

Either she was more psychic than the storefront Gypsies or she was way better at bullshitting. But whatever the case, as I spread out my problems before her she reminded me that I was in my 20s and everyone in their 20s feels this way when they’re trying to figure stuff out. It’s no big deal. Her advice was to have some fun, enjoy the city, grow and adapt – the stuff I know but still need to hear again and again, because I’m an idiot – and she delivered it in the manner of that kindly, unhip aunt whom you feel comfortable discussing your drug use with…”

So there you have it,  I’m the kindly unhip aunt,  with whom you can feel comfortable discussing your drug use…    


*I’m charging $120 per reading now.