Job Interviews

I was reading a kerfuffle on line about people being judged for bringing iced coffee into job interviews.  Around 2004 I got a job in an office in New York. I had worked in recruitment in Sydney and part of my job was interviewing applicants.  I was surprised (not shocked, not offended but surprised) when candidates came in with their own water/coffee.  Not everyone,  but I would say at least a third of applicants did so. That would never have happened in interviews in Australia.  But I took it as a me issue,  me not being familiar with the New York norms.  And I guessed it was about self sufficiency.  We didn't have to offer them anything,  they were ready to go. 

Now people are saying that iced coffee is a no go.  The cups sweat,  they may leave marks on the furniture,  they make your hands cold and damp for the handshake,  you might forget it in the room and leave trash. In a tight market (which it certainly is for people I speak to in NYC) anything that is not a positive,  is a negative.  So if I notice and think about your coffee, or anything about you that isn't relevant to the job,  then you are standing out in the wrong way.  It's not about the coffee,  iced or not,  it's about what are you bringing into the room with you. 

I talk to applicants about having job interview outfits that are more conservative and bland,  because you don't want them thinking about your clothes,  you want them thinking about your thoughts.  I never wear skirts,  so I had a nice pair of black pants that I would wear to give presentations.  And a top that did not draw attention to my ample decolletage, because I did not want them to think about that either! Also,  I have a clean and easily accessible bag.  I don't want to have to hunt through it to get anything necessary out.  I want everything easily to hand. 

I remember going to a presentation where the woman who was in her 40's was standing in a very short skirt on the stage in front of us,  and when she sat down,  she had to wriggle several times to adjust herself.  That was not a good look. If you are going to sit higher than your audience,  you don't want a mishap!  

So it's not to squash your individuality,  or to make judgements about your beverages.  It's just you want to make an impression of how you will fit into the company,  and in the first instance,  it's better to err on the side of professionalism.  My suggestion - don't bring in the iced coffee. 

When the cards don't like your boyfriend

Had a regular and she came for 3 readings over 3 years and drew the same Devil card around her boyfriend,  who really wasn't very nice to her.  We had long discussions about it,  but the Devil has his charms and she stuck with it.

In our last reading,  she came and finally,  they were having a break.  So maybe,  finally she was over Daniel (not his real name) whom the cards never liked.

But what I find interesting is that she came to me and the cards had been shuffled by hundreds of people between readings,  or even a new deck had been introduced,  and she still drew the Devil card around him.  That's what convinces me that the tarot is real. 

Nowadays you are using your own deck*,  so I do recommend very thorough shuffling between readings,  to keep the energy clean.

* The way I read the cards,  the magic is in the shuffling.  So even when I do readings on line,  I need you to shuffle the cards.   I then talk you through the initial layout (Celtic cross,  pictured above) and we do the reading.  Without you doing the physical shuffling,  all I get is mud.  But with you shuffling,  I can read for you  no matter where you are in the world. 

Freezing Your Eggs

The last post on fertility reminds me of a conversation I often have with women in their late 20's/early 30's.  I ask them if they have $10K to spare and they look at me warily,  is this the beginning of some complicated scam?  And then I talk about freezing their eggs.   It's just that I speak so many,  many women in their late thirties in panic mode around fertility. If they had their own eggs from years earlier,  they would have been so grateful. 

Having a child is one of the most profound and emotional decisions you'll ever make.  But wanting a child and not getting pregnant can be a heart rendering pain that women just don't expect. They spent all those years avoiding it and now it just doesn't happen?! Feels very unfair.  Freezing your eggs gives you some choice and ability to plan,  when everything else feels uncertain. 

The technology on egg freezing has gotten better over time.  But still about 50% of eggs don't work.  So if you get 15-20 eggs frozen,  you have a excellent chance of a thawed egg providing a child. 

Please do your own research,  but I've had lots of clients have good success with this.   I think of egg freezing as insurance - when you have it you often don't need it,  but if you need it,  you are so grateful to have it! 

Will I have a baby soon?

People have different strengths and weaknesses.  I'm not good at looking at future health issues,   they just don't sing out to me.   Except for fertility.  Because of my own,  long ago but long lasting,  fertility issues,  I'm super sensitive to it. I have received lots of feedback about being accurate.  (I tried for 7 years in the 1990's to have a baby,  and nothing happened.  Only when I gave up on treatment and on the possibility of motherhood, on the 8th year,  did I conceive,  naturally.)

So if you are trying to conceive,  or wondering about it,  drop me a line,  and we'll see if we can conjure up the beautiful Inner Child World card,  or the positive Empress card (who is often shown pregnant!)

Legion

I watched Legion with my son and I really think it's a disturbing work of genius.  Visually stunning and chaotic,  and Dan Stephens,  who frankly I didn't rate much in Downton Abbey,  was absolutely superb here. 

There is one snippet which I think explains some of the craziness I see going on today.  

They explain the contagion of bad ticks and ideas,  and the Nocebo effect (the opposite of placebo)  And it just explains how people can somehow catch hysteria from each other,  in ways that are not easy to fix.  

It's not just that they are watching too much strange news.  It's how they believe the news and how they then filter all information through this new weird lens.  People get so committed to their ideas that they will not notice if/when they are proven wrong. They won't adjust. They will just reshape the information they receive,  so that only information that verifies their beliefs make it through.  Those are dangerous notions.  If you can't verify your ideas or ignore facts that don't fit the theory you are doing bad science and boxing yourself into a belief system that will ultimately let you down,  badly. 

Gloria Steinem 1934 -2026

I just read that Gloria Steinem died today. She's been famous all my life,  striding forward and bringing us all along with her.  I've always admired her courage and her fortitude.  

Here are some of my favorite quotes of hers:- 

The truth will set you free,  but first it will piss you off.  Isn't that a truth! 

We are the women our parents warned us against, and we are proud.

We’ll never solve the feminization of power until we solve the masculinity of wealth. That's such a profound thought.  Until women own 50% of the world's wealth,  it will be very hard for us to get to 50% of the world's power. 

The first problem for all of us, men and women, is not to learn, but to unlearn. That's such an important one.  We have so much to unlearn,  and in order to do that,  there has to be a great willingness to look at what we have been taught and examine it critically. 

I'm glad we had her and she will be sorely missed.  

Vale Gloria,  it was glorious to have you! 

Teenagers!

Had a few readings recently about teenage angst dominating the household.

I often refer to How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.  Looking it up now,  I realize it's over 20 years old!  But I've been leafing through it all that time and it has always felt helpful to me.  They have one for teens as well.

A client said she was reading Feeding the Mouth that Bites You,  and I just love that title!  With older teens especially,  it can definitely feel like those snapping jaws may hurt you! They also have a podcast 

I almost forgot one of my favorite books,  which is written for toddlers but actually can help spark some self awareness in teens, and they can talk to each other about it - TA for Tots.  It went out of print for a while and I was clinging to my old tired copy but then it came back and I bought a new one.  I think they also have a TA for kids.  It's easy to read and can give kids things to think about. 

Here's another book I read back in the day,  which I'm happy to recommend.  Just loved the title,  it so encapsulates the see-sawing energy between mother and teen! 

Teens acting out is a long known tradition,  but when it happens in your home,  it can feel both terrifying (real,  horrible life consequences) and isolating.  Try to avoid the perfect life social media and find some real messy life pages,  and you'll see that many people are trying to cope with this.  And read widely.  I always say,  even if you get just one sentence from a book,  that's a good ROI (return on investment)

Dolly

Some people really do shine in this world. 

Imagine you had had real,  unbelievable success in your chosen field.  You have made millions from it,  and had influenced everyone else in your field.  You had won every possible award.  Your voice had been heard by millions.

And when you die,  people barely mention that.  Instead everyone,  regardless of politics or age,  mourns your kindness,  your vivacity,  your heart.  They talk about your charity work,  your clever one liners,  your amazing energy.  

She really lived the truth that people don't always remember what you said,  but they will definitely remember how you made them feel.   She made us feel important,  she made us feel seen. 

Her memory is a blessing and we were blessed to know her. 

Rest in Power.

Kindness

Years ago,  when I was first thinking of getting a tattoo,  I decided that I would get the Jewel quote,  In the end,  only kindness matters.  Because,  actually,  when you get into the depths of it all,  that's what I believe.  It's a choice we make,  as a person,  as a culture.  And we don't hold it to high enough value.  In the end, only kindness matters.  

So much is luck,  and you never know which end of the stick you will be - and as long as the world is kind,  then it really doesn't matter,  you'll survive anyways.  But of course,  the world is not kind.  So we have to remind each other about kindness and it's essential importance.

Then I was clicking around youtube and some woman was reading poetry,  not well.  And I thought,  surely there are better readers out there!  So I randomly typed in Emma Thompson reading poetry,  because I just love her voice.  And I came across this:

And here is more to fundamentally agree with.  Didn't know the poet Naomi Shihab Nye,  but isn't this beautiful.  Let's sit with it for a while,  and breathe better... 

Skinship

I came across the term skinship recently,  and I really love it.  It's a portmanteau word connecting skin and kinship,  ie non sexual touching. Touching for connection or comfort.  Like holding hands or hugging or just sitting very close and feeling the other person beside you - like you would with kin.  

As a culture,  we've become obsessed with sexual touch and are losing other forms of touch.  I often think about men who come on so strong sexually,  wondering if they have just touched someone recently, in a non sexual way,  or if they only way they get connection is through sex,  and how limiting that can be.

Women often easily hug each other,  touch each other for comfort,  hold babies,  hold animals.  We're allowed to and encouraged to,  it's seen as feminine. 

Men are allowed to slap each other on the back, or yell and jump at each other when their team wins,  but aren't encouraged to have quieter skin connections.  

I think if you aren't allowed to touch anyone, you develop a skin hunger. I used to encourage people to go and have massages if they don't get touch from people often,  to just affirm their humanity and feel the comfort of a non sexual touch.   Pets are an amazing resource for this. 

FIRE vs FINE

How we spend our money says so much about us.  Are we generous to ourselves,  stingy to others?  Stingy to ourselves and others?  Buying others attention?  Spending more than we have? There are so many ways to live both within and outside of our means.

I've come across the FIRE system - Financial Independence,  Retire Early - quite a few times in my life.  Some of my clients have been fiercely dedicated to it.  Some have strained their marriages over it.  It's basically living way below your means and squirreling every spare penny away,  till you reach a magic number (different for every person) and then you can stop work and live very frugally on that.  

Conceptually it never worked for me.  I don't want to be that frugal and I didn't want to stop working at 40.  

But now a new acronym has emerged - FINE,  Financial Independence,  New Endeavor.  Which doesn't make you retire once you hit your personal magic number,  but allows/encourages you to shift to a new idea/endeavor.  This seems more appealing,  though you still have to be very frugal to get to your magic number, but once there, you embrace new ideas or doing part time work,  or lower paid but more emotionally satisfying work. 

I do think that for many of us,  living that much below our income implies that there is some fat in our income and that is far from always the case.   And getting your nails done once a month shouldn't be seen as a shameful luxury. 

So as with everything,  I advocate moderation.  Spend moderately,  but also save moderately.  Try to live within your means,  don't get the maximum mortgage,  see if you can find something cheaper a little further out,  give yourself some breathing room.  And take a holiday.  Holidays are joy. And if camping gives you joy,  go camping.  But if going to Paris gives you joy,  don't force yourself to camp and resent your choices. 

Another great tarot deck!

I've seen these cards around and even used a few of them in my blog posts,  but never saw a cohesive view of the deck before. 

It's called The unveiled tarot by Jesse Lonergam.  They are eye catching and so clever and I'm happy to share them here.  

I've said this before but I just love that there are so many new and interesting tarot decks around.  Each deck can give you a thoughtful new insight into familar cards.   I often give my client 'homework' to scour the net and find a version of an important card from the reading,  to keep close to them.  Because there are so many versions out there,  and some will definitely speak more clearly to you than others. 

Is he the one?

Did a reading a while ago for a girl from Brisbane.  She had a significant love affair but it didn't work.  It wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, but he had just opened a new business and all his energy was there and the timing was wrong.  I said to her that he was one of 200 men she could possibly meet and marry and maybe it did work in another time line,  but in this time line it didn't and she can't go back,  she needs to move on. She liked the alternate time line option, sometimes you really can see a future with someone but it just doesn't pan out... 

Now she is seeing a man 14 years her senior.  It won't go anywhere,  he's the Emperor, not flexible enough for her,  but the sex is great,  she drew the Queen of Wands.  She laughed and agreed. She's leaving Sydney at the end of the year and she's going to keep on seeing him,  because there's no point trying for something deeper when she knows she's moving.

Sometimes they are not the one,  and both parties know it,  but they are certainly good enough to be the one for right now,  and as long as everyone knows that's the plan (he knows she plans to move to Melbourne for work in 2027) then a very good time can be had in the meantime. 

Grief poems

I've been so sad lately,  and it's hard to know what to do with all that feeling.  I am being good - seeing friends,  going to the gym,  talking to a therapist,  talking to family,  talking to strangers.

And I have good moments,  or even good days.  But then the sadness rushes in again,  like it's apologizing for leaving me for a minute,  and settles in,  and then pulls out again,  like the tide. 

I came across the simple,  beautiful poetry of Sara Rian.  And she makes me weep,  but she's so alive in her depictions of grief.  I cry reading her works,  but I agree with everything she says,  and that helps.

The journey and the destination

I remember talking about this when I was an addiction counsellor.  If you are driving somewhere and miss your turnoff (or turn off too early) you don't go all the way home and start over again.  You get to the next ramp and start from there.  If you fall off your goal,  you're not a zero,  you are at 100 days minus one - you are at 99 days and then start counting.  

It felt much kinder and also truer,  to do that rather than rachet you back to zero.  

And life is so much about the journey,  rather than just reaching an arbitrary destination. So if it took you 370 days to get to a year's sobriety,  then take those extra days,  those wrong turns,  and try not to do that again. But don't put yourself back at day 0.  You are so much further ahead than that! 

Wishing us all well,  on all of our journeys...