A rant on relationships

I've been reading a lot lately about historical marriages - mainly about the marriages of powerful people,  because they were the ones written about.  Romantic marriage is a very modern idea.  Prior to that,  you married who was your age in the village or who had the land next to yours,  or who you met in your very small circle.  Royals moved farther afield to marry,  but had no choice at all,  and often moved to places where they did not speak the language and had no idea of what was going on for a few years at least.  

It was awful for the women,  but frankly,  it was pretty dire for the men as well.  I know,  I know,  they had the option of mistresses and being mean to their wives.  But they didn't have choice.  They had to marry who their parents or their court or their country needed.  So when we talk about how awful marriage was for women,  and don't acknowledge that men were also not free,  it inflames the incels and makes us seem unaware that many men's situations were also fraught.  

One fact that caught my eye is that I read somewhere (I read so much,  I can never cite my facts,  sorry!) that the great grandchild of Dukes,  the highest rank under Royalty in Britain,  were often in genteel poverty.  So you were the third son of a Duke,  and if you didn't marry well,  your grandchildren would be teachers/struggling civil servants while your brother's grandchildren would be Dukes.   Trust me,  these third son's were very aware of their situations and had to marry well too.  

Of course, once married they could torment and abuse their wives in a terrible way.  I'm not saying it was easier on the women. It was definitely harder on them.  An awful, intolerable situation.   I'm just saying it was difficult for the men too,  even the powerful well born ones.   

Another book I read mentioned how when a man has a several wives (or a hareem),  it can be truly awful for the women there. But it also means,  from a plain mathematical point of view, that if one man has 4 wives,  that means 3 men get no wives.  None at all.  

I guess I just want to say is that both sides have had it tough.  Women spoke up and fought for their freedoms and bless them all for it,  I am the grateful recipient of their battles.  I have a university degree,  I have bank accounts,  I have a life I could not have had without them.  

But men had a struggle too and what they have seen is women become increasingly emancipated,  but they didn't feel the same rush of giddy power.  Instead they felt their world get smaller.  

What we want is peace and empathy between the sexes,  so that when we meet,  there is a chance for a genuine connection.  And we can't have that if we are both looking through our blinders and seeing only our point of view. 

Good advice from the internet

So many people come to me to talk about new love,  but just as many come to me to talk about established relationships that are going through a lull or bad patch. They want the cards to reassure them or to give them clarity.  And often the cards do, they have a deep perception about situations.

But people also come for some common sense.  And I have that too.  But I also collect what others say,  to add to my list of useful information.  

This came from a comments section in the New York Times from CarnW,  based in Switzerland:-

35+ years married. We learned a few things to keep us on an even keel...

1) decide if you want kids. Both really want them? Go for it. If either or both of you are undecided or reluctant, think long and hard. Kids are wonderful but also highly stressful. We both realized that we'd rather have dogs. 2) get a professional cleaner. Too many couples fight way too much over household chores, esp when both have full time jobs. A bi-weekly maid service can be better than counseling :-) 3) marriage is not a competition. Think "we" first, then "I". It's not always easy. Sometimes you do have to give way and your partner should do the same for you (but avoid score-keeping). 4) I don't recommend seeking this out but .... have a life-threatening event that shows you how stupid it is to sweat the small stuff. My husband was assaulted, sustaining a fractured skull & TBI: 4 months in hospital & neuro rehab. We hit the reset button big time, learning to dial back on minor things that can get easily blown out of proportion (the neuro rehab center provided counseling to both of us; it was very valuable). 5) pre-marital advice: be very careful about getting into a deep relationship with someone who has addictions: drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, whatever. Sadly, that's a relationship minefield.

All this is deeply practical and good advice.  I often tell people,  that if they can afford it, I recommend a cleaner.  That stops all sorts of arguments before they happen.  But the line about kids is the most important.  Most things are not irrevocable - you can move to different cities,  buy and sell houses,  change citizenship,  get married,  get divorced.  But you can't change the parent of your child. That's a life long commitment. Think very carefully before you have a child with someone, because that is an irrevocable decision.