Every child is different

One of my favorite moments of being a mom in Tribeca was sitting in Washington Market park of an afternoon and bumping into other moms and having true and real chats with them.  One mother frankly told me that if her 4th child had been her first child,  she would not have had 3 more kids.  She thought she was a great mother,  and it turns out she had easy kids,  because when she got her tricky one,  she didn't feel so great at all! 

And I often get new moms coming to me,  full of anxiety for this new precious soul and fears that they will somehow destroy them.  So they read every book that comes out and some really work for them but some really don't.  And I say,  it's because every child is different.  Some will respond super well to gentle parenting and some will become fascist dictators under the same regime.  Some kids just jump into empathy and appeals to empathy really work with them, and some kids really don't care that yanking the toy away from their friend made that friend cry. 

So it's not that the advice is necessarily bad, it's just that it worked on many kids but is not working on yours.  Or that it worked on your eldest kid but really isn't working on your youngest.  Well, the environment is so different now - you were dealing with a single child,  now you are dealing with the third child.  There are many reasons why things that did work,  don't  now. 

So we calm down and stop blaming ourselves,  stop blaming the kids,  and look for new books,  new ideas,  new tools.  What we just need to remember is that most of us really love our kids and want the best for them.  

Drawing good cards

Had a funny moment with a client the other day.  

She is having difficulties with her ex husband and co parent, and wanted to know more about it. Her ex and his new girlfriend and expecting a new child and she is worried about how that will impact their son,  who is six.  But the cards show he will continue to engage with his son,  which she is ambivalent about.  But we both acknowledged that it's healthier for children to have both parents involved in their lives,  and it's never good to push the father away.  

She drew mainly positive cards around the situation and seemed annoyed that the cards were rosier than she felt. 

I said to her that sometimes anxieties can feel overwhelming in the moment,  but the cards are saying that big picture,  things are going to be okay.   Whilst she feels like the Page of  Swords reversed today,  her outcome was the Queen of Pentacles - grounded,  down to earth and doing well financially.

She took that onboard and said she felt better after the reading... 

Failure to Launch

My latest readings have had the same difficult theme.  Mother's coming to a tarot reading, not to talk about themselves,  but to talk about their anxieties for their young adult children.  Kids either not going to college,  just out of college and not looking for jobs,  or looking furiously for jobs,  but not finding them as their degrees start to get stale. 

It's a crazy market out there right now.  I've talked to people about finding jobs and career paths for over 30 years and this is one of the stickiest, worst markets I've seen.  The combination of AI,  world events and post Covid anxiety,  means that many young adults are failing to launch.  And their worried parents come from such a different vantage point,  that most of their advice is no help at all. 

So we talk about executive skills,  we talk about finding work mentors.  We talk about the unspoken reality that a parents contacts can be one of the biggest levers a new graduate can access.  It's really,  really hard to get a job from the internet.  At the very least,  they need some sort of contact within the company or the field.  And luck.  It's not enough to have a degree right now.  They also need some random luck to get them in the door.  And we all know that luck is fickle and unreliable. 

I will warn them that most advice is outdated right now,  because AI is changing things as we speak,  and anyone who says they are an expert on the job market,  well they may have been an expert last week,  but this week conditions have changed.

I tell people to get their resumes looked at by a specialist,  who can put the right keywords in it.  I will also tell them to get their kids into as many networking events as possible (I know, it's effortless for some people and a horror show for others.)  And I tell the adults to look to their own network,  to see if they can get some help there. 

But just knowing that the difficulties are real,  their young adults are not exaggerating,  it's really weird out there, that can help.  I don't have a quick and easy answer,  but it is a numbers game and you have to keep slogging through,  till you get the response you want.  Also,  the first job may not be a perfect one,  but it's better than no job,  and it gets you into the world of work and from there,  you can keep looking.  

And we look for the Ace of Pentacles,  a yes to work and money,  and hope that it appears!

So one of my clients reached out after I published and recommended this book.  I haven't read it, but she rates it highly - Failure to Launch by Mark McConville   I'm always happy to take recommendations.  I hope this one helps! 

How to keep House While Drowning

A client came to me and talked about how ashamed she feels about the state of her apartment.  And I was so pleased to be able to give her this excellent line - "shame is the enemy of functioning" which comes from the very kind and gentle book,  How to Keep House While Drowning, by KC Davis

We often moralize over things that overwhelm us - so not sticking to a diet,  not keeping a spotless home,  not going to the gym - these aren't matters of life choice and scheduling, but instead feel like moral failures of the worst kind. 

So I'm here to tell you that you are not an immoral person for not doing these things. But if there are things you really want to do,  and you are not doing them,  then perhaps instead of judging and being mean to yourself,  you look for support.  And yes,  sometimes support looks like going to a tarot reader.  And often support looks like taking a helpful book out of the library.  And then scaffolding yourself (great phrase learnt from my son's preschool!) to help support this new habit you want to establish. 

So read this book - or any other that takes your fancy.  Grab the one or two sentences that help you,  and let yourself do a small helpful thing once a day,  until the mountain shrinks back to a molehill,  and it all feels more manageable. 

Revisiting Anxiety

I have written about anxiety before,  but we are living in anxious, 9 of swords times  and could do with some reassurance. 

One of my main defences against anxiety is to name it outloud to myself - I am feeling anxious and I need to do something about it.  So what do I do?  There are many studies that show that going into nature - walks,  swimming,  gardens - can definitely help.  Putting your feet into sand or grass,  into the water's edge or earth,  that can help ground you. 

But sometimes nature is far away,  and sometimes getting dressed to go out into nature feels a bridge too far.  

I have found guided visualisations enormously helpful.  I've been recommending Belleruth Naparstek for years! And I'm still happy to recommend her. 

But lately I've been listening to Kenneth Soares,  who I found on Apple. I mentioned to him to a client recently and she excitedly said she listens to him too.  We both discussed how we can't place his accent (he's definitely not Australian,  as some have suggested!)  I said how I found his comments that I don't have to relax at this moment,  just gave me permission to relax;  whereas others telling me to take a deep breath and commanding me to relax just made me more tense! (I'm so contrary,  I know.)

I always stress to people that I find the ideas of guided meditations very helpful,  but many individual speakers don't work for me at all. If you don't like these recommendations,  don't feel bad.  There is a whole world of guided meditations out there.  Find one that you do like,  and that should help soothe you. 

Four of Cups

Cards often come in waves,  and in decks across the world,  in my readings, the same card is being drawn more often.  This is a four of cups season for my clients.

Four of cups is a sense of not enoughness.   I have 3 cups before me,  but they are not the cups I'm dreaming of.  That fourth one,  out of reach,  in my head, maybe never ever real,  that's the one that has my focus/energy.

And isn't that the world today! The world of instagram and our friends endless holidays (someone is always in Italy and it's not me!) fabulous meals,  marvelous nights out...  It's easy to get dissatisfied with the 3 cups before you,  and yearn for that one out of reach.

But the three of cups is an amazing card,  of strong friendship and connection.

So if you are drifting into the four of cups,  I would encourage you to let go of that one mysterious missing cup and focus on the three cups that are actually there.  Drink your fill from them,  value what you have that's real,  and let the chimeras go... 

Sound Bath

All my life I've been very receptive/ sensitive to sound.  The right music can just lift me up and completely change my mood,  and the wrong music just jars on me and I can't bear it.  

Lately I've been putting in the words Sound Bath to apple and spotify,  or youtube and listening to what they conjure up.  Lots of it doesn't work for me,  but I've found things that are just wonderful!  Sound Baths are healing vibrational sounds  - gongs, bells,  singing bowls, chimes etc..  often with music, rain sounds, sometimes on their own,  that are meant to resonate through you and work on your harmonics. 

If you are seeking some refuge,  something different,  try listening to new music.  Most sound bath music does not have lyrics,  but often does have spoken visualizations over it.  Some of the spoken stuff does not work at all for me,  some of it is soothing,  some of it I never hear,  because I've fallen asleep by then.  But a lot of it really relaxes me.  

My most recent find is Dr Ramdesh.  You may not like her, don't worry if you don't,  but find someone that does work for you. If you are troubled with anxiety or racing thoughts,  try finding some new guided visualizations, or meditations.  I find they help enormously. 

Anxiety

Anxiety - even the mention of the word can make us feel anxious.  Throughout the Covid years I was speaking to a lot of people with increasing issues with anxiety.  And somehow they all felt,  once Covid felt like it was behind us,  the anxiety would decrease.  But there is something about long exposure to anxiety,  it sensitizes us to it.  So the more you are anxious,  the more anxious you can become - feels terribly unfair!  

The best advice I've found for dealing with it, is getting out into nature - a walk in the woods,  by the river,  or the ocean -  works wonders.  But sometimes we are far away from nature,  and getting out of the house on our one day off and trying to find some nature just adds to our stress.  So... I've been recommending guided meditations downloads and aps.  

But first I'll start with a disclaimer.  I absolutely believe that these can help,  but I'm also incredibly picky.  One wrong detail and I'm out of there,  no longer relaxed and in touch,  but rather irritated and more anxious!  So I can reject then on the basis of accent,  of back ground music,  of one wrong word.  But I believe in them,  so while I am picky and reject far more than I accept,  I keep ploughing on till I find the one that works for me.  These have worked for me or been recommended by people I trust and have worked for them.  They may not work for you,  and that's not on you or on the product, it just didn't connect to you.  If they don't work, please just look for another one - and if you find one that really does work for you, let me know and I'll add it to my list of referrals.  

I've listened to literally hundreds of guided meditations,  and this is one of my favorite creators - Belleruth Naparstek. ,  she speaks so kindly and so wisely.   I also like the work by Andrew Weil, he writes a lot about food,  but his CD on music,  with Kimba Arem ,  was just so healing and calming. Also the very well named,  Anxiety Release app comes highly recommended.  

So take a deep breath,  and dive into that world and see what speaks to you... 

9 of swords

Here you are, sitting up in bed, unable to sleep; anxious, tense and troubled about either what has happened or what might happen. Here your problems are invading your sleep, you find it difficult to get rest, difficult to switch off and it’s hard to find an inner peace.

The Inner child cards show the anxiety as a dragon, trapping you in her sinuous curves, leaving you brooding and weak.

Often, fear and doubts makes us feel younger than we are, childlike in the face of these obstacles. I like this quilt image, because it shows how vulnerable you can feel when these emotions dominate. There is no way out but through, when we get these feelings, we have to address them head on, or they can swamp us.

One thing I frequently do when I see this card is ask about actual sleep patterns.  If you are having trouble sleeping, there are 2 things I recommend.  Firstly,  Belleruth Naparstek has a series of meditation CD's.  Her sleep one is highly recommended,  but if you don't like her,  find another one that speaks to you. Secondly,  I have found Tranquil Sleep,  by Natural Factors,  a Melatonin based chewable tablet very helpful for me and would happily recommend it on to others.

And now for the swords...

We leave the water based cups and now move on to the swords, cutting through the air. When I think of swords, I think of cutting through complications, sharp edged and smart. The swords deal with the mind, both rational and irrational. The swords are intellectual and want to learn but emotionally they often learn through pain. I associate Swords with strength, defenses, conflict, anxiety, and ambition, but above all, swords seek the truth, and how valuable that makes them!