Fiction tell us truths

Here's how I love to watch TV - one episode a night,  till it ends.  None of this waiting all week for a new episode to come out,  but none of this watching 8 hours in one day either.  No,  I like to pace myself. So this is why I come to shows a bit late - I wait for all the episodes to come out before I even start.

We are watching Andor right now.  I just finished the arc about Ghorman.   I am moved by the TV show and the characters but I'm devastated by how it resonates with the world today. I actually feel a bit shaky about how bad the news is,  how people  then gaslight us,  telling us we are are making it sound worse than it is, and how evil wins when truth dies.  Which brings me to Mon Motha's powerful speech: 

It feels like people are creating a truth optional world,  where people believe their alternate facts,  and we can't even agree on the very basics.  Feels dangerous to me. And I'm sorry that this is our present state of reality. 

Telling your truth

One thing I always recommend to people is to speak their truth.   You don't have to tell the whole truth to people,  but don't lie.  

If I am feeling depressed and anxious and sad,  and the cashier at the supermarket asks "how are you?"  I say "tired."  Not the whole truth,  but a truth.  And often I would get a slip of the mask and a human looks back at me and they answer "God, me too!"  And even that bit of congruence makes me feel more real,  more connected.

So it's not that I have to tell all my secrets to the universe,  or be rude or even say things that make me feel over exposed.  It's just that I have to be congruent.  And that really does help. 

When I first came to NYC,  way back in 2002,  I had a really rough first year,  which is not uncommon for people coming to such a busy, humming place.   I felt lost and isolated.  In the middle of the worst of it,  I just began saying things that were true - even at parties.  How are you?  I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed, I would reply.  I can't tell you how many people said,  oh,  the first year is the worst,  and shared their experiences.  And it got better.  Me being real,  allowed others to be real and that helped ground me. 

So speak a truth,  doesn't have to be all of it,  but whatever you say has to be real,  even if it's "I don't have the bandwidth for that right now." which I have found myself saying from time to time. 

Being congruent helps.  

Ahead of her Time

Sinead O'Connor saw clearly. She saw what the Church was doing in Ireland and she brought light on it - and frankly,  they tried to crucify her for it.   There's something so powerful when someone can see a cultural disease and clearly speak to it.  

But she saw other things clearly too. How the music industry wanted her to be pretty,  and she shaved her head;  how they wanted her to be docile and she rebelled;  how they wanted her to be overawed by them and she said she never wanted to be a pop star in the first place.  She saw herself so clearly - a protest singer who shone a light.  

I love the quote - in Rememberings, "A lot of people say or think that tearing up the Pope's photo derailed my career. That's not how I feel about it," she wrote. "I feel that having a No. 1 record derailed my career and my tearing the photo put me back on the right track."

I know she is a complex being and not everything she did made sense. But she came from a pure place,  and it took a few decades for us to catch up with her,  and see that most things she said were absolutely true and right.  I am grateful to her,  for the risks she took,  and for how hard she struggled to show us Truth. 

Virtual Realities

Next time I see a friend put up amazing photos of their lives on Facebook for a few months in a row,  I’m going to pm (private message) them and ask if everything is ok.  Lately I’ve had 3 acquaintances, whose lives I’ve been mainly following on facebook, meet with me and break down and cry about how difficult their marriage/kids/work life is right now.  The disconnect between what they say to me and what they are presenting on fb is just huge, I really thought things were never better for them (of course if I had been seeing their cards, I would have seen things far more clearly!) 

I remember when I was starting therapy and realized that my social, outward face and the feelings I had inside were worlds apart and how much energy it took to keep the façade going.  Nowadays, I always tell a truth – not the truth, not all of it, not everyone needs to hear that – but if I am feeling awful and miserable and hating my life, I won’t say great, or even fine.  I’ll say a truth: I’m tired, which resonates with my bigger truth.  Sometimes people smile and say me too, and go on to humblebrag about how amazing their lives are with all the wonderful things they are doing which tire them out (a real New York sport) and sometimes people respond with something genuine.  But what matters to me is that I am genuine, to others and more importantly, to myself.   Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram - for some people they’ve become the facades that must be kept in perfect order, to cover what hides beneath.  The older I get, the more I value that which is real, even if it is ugly, because reality has a true beauty that these fake representations can never have.

The truth should be enough

So I came across this lovely article on face book, and was thinking of making it a topic for my blog .

Here are Regina Brett’s terrific words of wisdom -

May 28, 2006

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me.

It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift..

Now isn’t that terrific?  And isn’t it enough?  But in the strangeness of the internet,  the original article I saw thought that having a 50 year old woman write this was not sufficient,  so they made her 90.

 

And then they put a photo of a really fabulous looking 90 year old next to it. But my fashion savvy friends recognized the photo and said that’s not Regina, it’s Iris Apfel,  New York Fashionista.

And I thought about the vagaries of the internet,  how it finds something perfectly good and then to dress it up more, covers it in tinsel and makes it false.   

We have to live in a world where a good truth is good enough,  otherwise we turn into Brian Williams (whom I admired) who took perfectly good truths and then dressed them up to such an extent that they became false.    We have to avoid that impulse.

Seeing the Truth

I read this fascinating article the other day -  about a writer’s experience with a con man/murderer and how he heard the wrong notes of the story but ignored them, and then felt so betrayed at the end, when the truth came to light. 

I remember doing a reading some time ago with a young woman, in her early twenties, talking about life and job choices,  the usual questions. But when she asked about her future she drew these cards –

Devil / Emperor / 8 of swords 

I suppose I could have lied and made up some story but the cards made no sense to me in the context we had been talking about,  and I said as much to her.  I described them in detail – addictive/negative patterns, a dominating, controlling man/situation, a strong sense of being trapped, but if she was willing to see clearly she could find a way out. 

And then she told me that she had lied to me, she was not a student,  but rather a call girl,  and those cards described how she was feeling perfectly.  I had not suspected her of lying, I had no cause to, but the cards… they see the truth even when I don’t. 

After that truth was revealed, the reading became far more productive.  
 
I was reminded of this when I saw this other piece in the New York times -  Chicago University is asking us if we can spot the liar through body language…   Can you?

Rules for Being Human

Following my ramblings on life lessons,  I thought this piece would work well.  I don't like the word 'Rules' - that can press my buttons,  but if I think of it as Truths,  Truths about being human,  I can take it all in.  I came across it when I was working as a therapist in an addiction clinic,  and it still holds true,  all these years later...

The Rules for Being Human

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant and stupid.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial and error, experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.

5. Learning lessons does not end. There is no part of life that does not contain its lessons. If you are alive there are lessons to be learned.

6. "There" is no better than "here." When your "there" has become a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."

7. Others are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.

8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.

9. Your answers lie inside you. The answer to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.

10. This will often be forgotten, only to be remembered again.

(Cherie Carter-Scott)

I just love no. 10 - because it is forgotten but lingers,  and once you know it,  you can draw on it again.  Very nice piece,  glad to remind myself of it.

And now for the swords...

We leave the water based cups and now move on to the swords, cutting through the air. When I think of swords, I think of cutting through complications, sharp edged and smart. The swords deal with the mind, both rational and irrational. The swords are intellectual and want to learn but emotionally they often learn through pain. I associate Swords with strength, defenses, conflict, anxiety, and ambition, but above all, swords seek the truth, and how valuable that makes them!