Skinship

I came across the term skinship recently,  and I really love it.  It's a portmanteau word connecting skin and kinship,  ie non sexual touching. Touching for connection or comfort.  Like holding hands or hugging or just sitting very close and feeling the other person beside you - like you would with kin.  

As a culture,  we've become obsessed with sexual touch and are losing other forms of touch.  I often think about men who come on so strong sexually,  wondering if they have just touched someone recently, in a non sexual way,  or if they only way they get connection is through sex,  and how limiting that can be.

Women often easily hug each other,  touch each other for comfort,  hold babies,  hold animals.  We're allowed to and encouraged to,  it's seen as feminine. 

Men are allowed to slap each other on the back, or yell and jump at each other when their team wins,  but aren't encouraged to have quieter skin connections.  

I think if you aren't allowed to touch anyone, you develop a skin hunger. I used to encourage people to go and have massages if they don't get touch from people often,  to just affirm their humanity and feel the comfort of a non sexual touch.   Pets are an amazing resource for this. 

Better than human?

I had time to spare (better than time to kill) and randomly watched a TV show that I had no knowledge of - Dark Net,  episode one,  Crush.  It was about the influence of the internet on relationships, something that interests me greatly.

I was so struck by the one about Rinko,  the Japanese girl on Love Plus,  a dating game. It's a really basic AI, no where nearly as good as the one depicted on the movie Her.  But what happens is the same - the lonely man forms a relationship with the game that is far more important to him than any relationship he has IRL (in real life)  and starts to prevent him forming any potential relationship with a real life woman.  Why? Well, because humans are complex and difficult and require compromise. They aren't always available or receptive or interested.  Rinko is always there,  you have complete control in the relationship - switch it on, there she is, interested and pleased to see you,  switch it off and there she goes,  no complaints or needs of her own.  

It saddened me to see this boy chide his mother for delicately saying she hopes he meets a real girl sometime.  "Don't talk like that,  Rinko doesn't like it."  Of course games are easier than humans,  but these men are finding games more rewarding than humans - better to be in the fantasy world of Rinko's love than in the frustrating world of dating. 

I think humans are tricky - with opinions and actions that you don't always expect or like. The other story in the episode had a terrible tale of revenge porn that was genuinely frightening.  But still,  this stepping back into a fantasy world with a programmed AI did not feel like a solution,  but like another kind of problem. Intimacy takes work and risk,  but connection is part of our humanity and needs to be fostered.  

36 Questions

These are questions to facilitate and increase intimacy.

They were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, who wrote them for a study about falling in love.  I like them as a list of questions,  to ask yourself,  to ask a current friend/lover,  or to ask a new friend/lover to see if the relationship is worth deepening.   After the questions,  Aron advocated looking into each other's eyes for four full minutes (long time!)   

Try it and see what works for you:

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

These questions were referenced in the New York Times article - To Fall in Love with Anyone,  Do This  The article in the New York times found the silent glance at the end,  the clincher for 'falling in love'.

 

I just read the laugh out loud rebuttal from New York Magazine,  To Fall Out of Love,  Do This.   It felt so true,  and so funny...