Leaving 2023

2023 has been a difficult year for me,  both personally and seeing how the world is trending.  So I can find it hard to find joy,  though I usually love Christmas time.  

I read this article by Anne Lamott in the Washington Post - The Dressing Room Encounter that made me get Real about Aging, and it really spoke to me.  She had a line in it - "love and service make us rich."  And it is just so true.  I find whenever I am feeling lost or tired,  being with people I love or serving the community in some way,  just makes me feel better.  

When I meet strangers of a certain age I ask them how many grandchildren they have.  Six one woman proudly replied.  You are so rich! I told her, and she beamingly agreed.  Not that you need grandchildren (or children) to have riches,  but you don't need money either.  You need a sense of place in the world.  Houses of Worship can give that to you,  but so can organizations that you value.  

I belong to the CWA - the Country Women's Association,  a group of practical, down to earth women who try to fix what they can and fundraise for issues they find important.  And they are so crafty!  I so admire a woman who can go to a 2 hour meeting and walk out with a crocheted hat.  It's like magic!  I am not crafty - but I can sell - so I help them get all their hats and aprons and Christmas ornaments together and sell them to others and give the money back to women in the country.   A virtuous circle.

So if you are feeling poor in time and energy,  I hold you in my heart.  It's been a tough year.  But one source of renewable energy for me,  is Love and Service.  Don't have someone to love? Go and give service.  I know it sounds strange but giving to others can fill you up and make you feel connected and then you feel richer in energy, and then you find love - maybe from a person, maybe from a dog,  maybe from a community.  

Wishing you a warm and safe Christmas and with Love and Service to make you rich... 

Notes to Myself, by Hugh Prather

I read this book,  Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather, way back when.  But the book I read was actually the 20th anniversary addition and it had been published in 1970! 

I was reminded of it during a tarot reading recently when a client was describing a book she had written and her desire to get it into print. 

Hugh had written:

After I had written this book I told several friends.  Their reaction was polite and mild.  Later I was able to tell them that the book was going to be published.  Most of them responded with the words "I'm proud of you."  Proud of the results but not of the action. 

Everyone but I must look back on my behavior.  They can only see my acts coupled with their results.  But I must act now, without knowing the results. 

I think we often praise the results,  rather than the effort.  You won an Olympic medal, so much more impressive than just being in the Olympics and coming 20th. But that's 20th in the world!  That's absolutely amazing! 

It is easy to look at the results and decide whether it was worth the effort or not. But we will never know the results beforehand,  and have to decide whether to go ahead or not,  without any assurances.  

All new activities follow the Fool card,  walking into the future, with a song in our heart,  not knowing what will happen, only what may,  what we hope for.  And then finding the purpose of the path only after we have walked it, seeing what it taught us. 

So my encouragement for all of us,  is to start a path,  put in the action,  and let the results come to us. 

7 of pentacles

I often use the phrase "happy with the fruits of your labor" when people draw the 7 of pentacles,  And then I came across this perfect card!

One thing that has definitely changed since I started reading (pre internet!) is the amount of fabulous decks around.   There are so many variations of cards.  Often, if you draw a card in an important position,  I give you homework, to look up other variants that might speak to you more clearly.  

I have loads in my Pinterest folders,  as well as just searching on line.   As I come across alternatives I like, I often add them here.  Keep looking for yourself,  you will be sure to find one that works for you!

Both fun and deep

One of my favorite clients said to me that she always likes our annual readings - they are both fun and deep,  she said.   Fun,  because we laugh,  a lot,  about life and the situations we finds ourselves in. Deep,  because she can be honest about what is actually going on,  and if she wants to know more,  well then the cards are there to shine a light.   

She's in a steady job and a solid relationship,  but she still likes to check in. "It's an hour to talk about myself,"  she laughed.  An hour to take stock.   Our reading didn't foretell anything remarkable.  More of the same,  steady as she goes, was the theme. But she took that with grace - after all,  that's exactly what she wants... 

Making a decision can make all the difference

Some time ago I did a few readings for a very sweet Chinese man.  He knew he was a little too sensitive and took romantic set backs a little too hard,  and he wanted to work on it.

At his first reading he had sad,  wishy washy cards,  where none of the answers were definitive or even illuminating.  I felt embarrassed! But he came back six months later, and his cards had completely changed,  far more energized and to the point.  

I asked him what had changed and he said that he had decided to return home - to China,  For some people,  being a migrant is too hard and they never really establish deep roots.  He had come to the US with a student visa,  but never really found his footing.

However,  the thought of going back,  gave him confidence and energy - which the cards matched!  In 6 months he moved from pages to kings.  At his very center he drew King of Swords x the 6 of Wands.  We were both very excited and pleased to see that.  He also drew the Ace of Swords,  cutting through the fog and confusion,  getting to certainty.  

I was pleased to see how coming to a decision had clarified and energized his cards so significantly.   Sometimes making a decision can make all the difference! 

Resilience

A lot of people come to me,  because they've had a set back or a loss,  and they find it hard to bounce back.  So I read a lot about resilience,  for them and for myself.  

I read an interesting article in the Washington Post recently that concluded that we need to give children more opportunities for independent,  unsupervised play,  and that is what has been missing these past 30 or so years,  and that contributes to feelings of being overwhelmed or anxious. 

And I agree - independence,  negotiating your place with low stakes outcomes,  living in your own imagination, creative play - all these have been part of the human condition for millennia,  and suddenly,  over one and half generations,  they are if not gone,  they've been minimized. 

But I'm not talking to children,  I'm mainly talking to young adults - people in their 20's and 30's.  How does this help them?

Well,  I guess,  you need to find places where you can be a bit independent,  take some low stakes risks,  allow yourself failure.  Allow yourself to feel bad,  and disorganized and even chaotic,  and then still do the laundry and get to work.  I'm a big believe in functioning - that it leads to more functioning which leads to some better sense of self.  Of course some of us over-function,  but I would give them different advice but the same idea - take some manageable,  low stakes risks and let yourself fail occasionally. 

I say this often - don't let the perfect get in the way of the good.   And now I've added,  don't let the imperfect get in the way of the good either.   Just let yourself see the good around you.  Once you look for it,  you'll see more of it.  And the virtuous circle commences... 

Art by Yvonn Zuback, Saatchi Art

Heavy Heart

I have such a heavy heart.  I was traumatized by the attack on Israel,  it was diabolical and evil.  And now I'm so worried for the poor people in Gaza,  who are caught up between the wrath of Israel and the cruelty of Hamas.  I can feel quite overwhelmed by it all.  Worse,  I feel powerless.  

So I force myself to stop doom scrolling,  and just check in once a day to get facts.  Today I listened to Tibetan singing bowls,  just letting the sounds ring through my body; and tonight we sat and ate ice cream at Maroubra beach,  watching the dusk come in. 

And now,  that self care, just seems worse,  when real horror is continuing to unfold.  But I don't know what else to do.  I hate it when it feels like evil is triumphing - when Russia marched into Ukraine,  when girls can't walk home from parties alone lest they be raped,  when people don't feel safe in their own homes,  with their own families. And the secret is not to look away,  but to look clearly.  And take what steps we can to help.  

Rabbi Tarfon wrote: the day is short, and the work is plentiful, and the laborers are indolent, and the reward is great, and the master of the house (God)  is insistent.  It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither can you avoid it.  (from the Pirkei Avot, the Ethics of our Fathers,  2:16)

I love that sentiment - I don't have to finish the task,  but I can't ignore it either.  I must do what I can to bring light and good into the world.  No more and no less.  I'm not going to bring world peace,  but I can bring some peace to my corner,  and I try very hard to do that.  And small deeds,  done with great love,  well that's all we have,  all we can ask for really.  So I am praying for peace in the middle east,  and working for peace in my neck of the woods and hoping for peace for all who read this.  I hope we find moments of Grace,  and I hope we share them,  and the darkness ebbs... 

 

New Mantra

I was reading somewhere (I flit though so many websites,  I can never recall where I read what)  and the phrase "Love people, use things" caught my eye.

I think we get so out of shape in our Western society,  when we do the opposite - love things and use people.  Using people is terrible,  it belittles them and us.  And when work places and culture treat people as disposable,  as gadgets that can be swapped in and out with no thought or compunction,  that's when we get our societal ills.  And when we add to that,  that so many people love things - clothes, cars,  money,  houses,  more than they love the people in their lives,  that's also when everything can go wrong.

So appreciate the things in your life,  the joy of collecting,  the ease of ownership.  But don't love them.  Love the people and animals you chose to bring into your daily life.  Love people,  use things.  It's a great mantra. 

While I was looking for images for this piece,  I realized that this mantra is a book title - Love People,  Use Things,  by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus.  I haven't read the book,  but I love the title! 

If the first tarot card reader doesn't say what you want to hear...

Sometimes a person will come to me,  and as I give them news they don't want,  they reveal that I am the third (or fourth,  or for one girl,  fifth!) tarot card reader they have seen recently and all of us said the same thing... but they don't want to hear it!

A while ago I had a very sweet Indian girl come to see me.  She was pale with shadows under her eyes.  She said that she had gotten drunk one night and said to her boyfriend that it was all too much,  but by the time she figured out she wanted back in,  he now wanted space.

She asked if they would get back together and drew

World Reversed / 5 swords / page wands Reversed / 6 swords

Even if she wills it and makes a reconciliation happen,  it won't last,  she's riding in the wrong direction,  it will end in swords (tears, pain,  moving on with sorrow, a hard learning experience)

Then she told me I was the fifth tarot card reader she had seen that month.  Fifth!  And all of us said the same thing,  it's not going to happen,  it's not going to work.  But she wants to find the one who tells her it will. This is why I believe in tarot.  Five total strangers,  five separate decks, none of us invested in the outcome and all of us see the same thing. 

So I said to her that she will do as she wants (of course) and she doesn't have to listen to us,  but she needs to listen to herself.  There was something wrong in the relationship which started her drunken ramble,  and she needs to find a way to resolve that. She said he was always distant and punishing (why want him at all?!?  The mysteries of the heart.)  And if she begs him to return,  then he can continue that pattern with impunity.  It's only if she backs away and puts herself first,  can she give him the space to see what he's missing and if he wants to move forward.  She nodded slowly.  He has to have some breathing room to see what you are bringing and you have to have some breathing room to see what he brings to you too.  I said words to that effect four or five times.

And then she agreed,  she would give him some space.  

Five months later she returned telling me he was talking to her and also to another girl,  what should she do. And she looked at me and started to laugh.  Of course I was going to tell her to let him go.  And she knew it was time. She really didn't want to,  the heart wants what the heart wants,  as the song goes.  But you can't will another person to want you back,  you can only torture yourself over it, until you are tired of the torture.  After 5 months,  she was starting to tire of the torture.   

Two years later she came to ask me about another boy altogether.  The cards were much happier with him and we both sighed with relief.  I haven't seen her again.  I can only hope they are still together.  

The Hermit

The hermit is always a tricky card.  Some people really don't like the idea of it - off on your own and introspecting,  a hermit hiding in a cave.  And the Rider Waite image can be a bit off putting

But I try to sway them to it - he's not passively waiting for answers to come to him,  he is actively looking, bringing illumination to dark corners. 

By chance I came across this card - 

And I just love it!  Such a beautiful,  feminine and easy to read version of the Hermit.  There she is, having walked into the woods,  built herself a fire,  and is now finding enlightenment, clarity, power in a very feminine witchy way.  This is the work of Deborah Blake, and her Everyday Witch Tarot

This is why I keep looking for tarot cards.  Sooner or later,  the perfect one that just explains everything for me,  just appears. 

outcomes

I did a tarot reading for a woman recently,  and her possible outcome was the 10 of swords.  No need to be a tarot reader to understand that card - it's more than one sword in the back,  it's despair and fear.  It's paralysis.  

But when she asked about how she would do,  if she separated from her husband,  she drew the 9 of wands.  Sure,  there is a struggle and a battle.  She has a bandage on her head.  But she is standing upright, ready to protect,  ready to defend and fully capable.  And it's wands,  energy, not swords,  a knife thrust. 

And I said to her,  the 10 of swords is her fear,  which keeps her passive and paralyzed.  But the 9 of wands is how she feels once she takes action,  once she moves on.  And she gave a huge sigh,  she can do it.  It will be okay,  she will survive it,  and she won't have any knives in her back,  she's stronger than that and can defend herself.  Her homework was to scroll the web and find a version of the 9 of wands that really speaks to her,  and keep it close - either as front page of her phone/computer,  or printed out by her desk - somewhere where she sees it daily,  and let that energy carry her. 

It was a good reading. 

Weak Ties

I read an article in the New York Times about how becoming a regular at a café can help lessen a sense of isolation.  When I first moved to New York,  I knew my husband, who was working 60-80 hours a week,  and my son, who was 4 years old.  It was just after 9/11 and the streets of Tribeca were relatively empty at the time.  I tramped all over them with my 4 year old in tow,  getting to know the faces that I passed regularly.  One day I walked by a restaurant I hadn't ever been to,  and the workers there wanted to know where my son was,  they were used to seeing the two of us together.  A small interaction like that can make you feel so happy,  so much more connected.   

I became very active in my son's school and was often speaking to large groups of parents,  so when I walked the streets of Tribeca people often smiled or stopped for a quick chat.  It made one of the busiest cities in the world feel like a warm and friendly village to me,  and that definitely helped! 

Though these connections are not strong or essential,  so sociologists call them 'weak ties', they are still very important.  When the guy at the counter knows your order,  when the florist smiles at you and says you always love the gardenias,  when the small conversations anchor you,  let them!  And notice the small interactions people have with you,  so you can be part of their web too.  

Self Talk

I have a friend who always calls herself an idiot - I'm such an idiot, she says,  easily and often.  And finally I said,  I can't let you talk about my good friend like that!  I won't hear it,  and it's not true.  

And she smiled at me.  You're right,  you're right.  And I know her self talk is entrenched and continues when I'm not there,  but when I am there,  she tries to speak more nicely about herself... and isn't that a good thing!

So watch how you talk to yourself.  And don't go badmouthing yourself!  Self talk matters.  

The parable of the Wolf

I've read this in numerous variations but it always resonates...

A young boy sat with his grandfather who told him,  in you,  and in everyone, there are two wolves fighting.  One wolf is good - he is honorable, and kind and seeks wisdom and justice.  The other wolf is bad,  he is vengeful, cruel and angry and wants power.

Which one wins? asks the boy.

The one that you feed,  he replies.

I love that answer.  It explains everything. Firstly, that all of us have these two wolves - don't feel bad or shame that you have an angry cruel wolf inside.  But secondly,  you can do something about it. And that is,  don't feed it! Give your energy and your time to the honorable kind wolf,  and that is the self that will win... 

It's always such a good question to ask yourself - which wolf am I feeding right now?

I have to update this because I read the funniest meme: - 

I definitely have both dragons inside of me! And I love museums and museum gift shops.   

Cultural Moments

I went and saw Lizzo recently,  on her tour of Australia.  I love her.  I love her lyrics,  I love her voice,  I love her message.  And then this weird news broke out - 3 back up dancers were suing her,  for sexual harassment?  How could that be?

My husband has worked in theater for a long time.  And I've seen stars go out after a show,  wired and needing to decompress.  And I can see how easily Lizzo,  on tour,  no friends around,  says to her homies,  let's go out.  But she's wearing two hats here:  friend/fun girl and boss.  But she only sees the one hat,  she doesn't see the Employer hat sitting so firmly on her head. So maybe her crew don't want to go out,  maybe they find it exhausting being windswept and interesting with their boss,  after work. But if they say no,  they are the boring ones,  the not fun ones,  and maybe that means they won't be rehired when this tour ends. So there is a subtle but strong pressure to go out.  I've seen it on countless nights. Also, the person inviting is also charismatic and interesting.  So you go.  But you can feel resentful and tired and somehow trapped.

And then,  because they are in Amsterdam or Paris and going out late,  after a show - well what's open?  And somehow,  she is inviting people to go out,  but not to a regular nightclub,  but to a sex club.  That's a line you can't cross with your employees.  You cannot be taking them to sex clubs.  Even when you think they are friends,  even when you are just joking.  It's like all those salesmen who were taken to strip bars by their bosses in the 1980s,  and were unable to say,  hey,  this is unprofessional and frankly gross and I don't want to be here. But it's 2023 and she should absolutely know better.

What she should have said, what I would have advised her to say,  had she asked me,  is omg,  I'm so sorry.  I thought I was just inviting people to hang and totally overlooked that they were actually my employees and I may have inadvertently put them in uncomfortable situations.  I feel sick to my stomach now that I think about it. This is 100% not what I want people to feel.  I wish they had been able to say to my face that they didn't feel comfortable there, but I know that it's on me to prevent this stuff happening,  and trust me,  it won't happen on my watch again.  Again, I'm so sorry that these people felt the slightest bit coerced.  I think of them as family,  but I can see,  that I'm also the boss,  and I will never invite my employees to a sex club again.  

I still love her.  I hope she learns and grows from this incident.