Getting lost in the surface, or not feeling valued

A woman in her late thirties came to me,  all upset because her husband had bought her the $4,000 handbag when clearly the $8,000 one was so much better.  And now she was expected to be happy, but she hates the bag,  and feels ripped off.

To let me feel empathy,  I had to remove all costings and bag labels and just think about asking for something you really want and feel like you deserve and then getting something less than,  and being forced to have performitive feelings for it.  

So we began talking about communication (the cards were not good,  all upside down) and why did she need him to buy the wrong bag,  why couldn't she go with him,  how did she express all this and also,  because we are in the real world,  could he afford it?  Maybe $4,000 was as far as he could go... 

And it gave me a minute of gratitude. That I am not in her headspace,  that this is something I would never want,  but also,  compassion,  because she was so stressed and disturbed by it,  so upset with no where really to go.  It's the feeling of not being heard and not being valued.   But also,  not being able to compete,  and all the other women knowing exactly what she was given and what it meant to them. 

So I encouraged her to go back to her husband to have a real conversation,  but also,  think about how this plays out with her social circle,  and why her female friendships feels so competitive and judgemental.  She was surprised at that,  she thought all female friendships were like that. So that was a start.  Hopefully she will go into the High Priestess (her outcome card) and start to think about her life more intuitively,  rather than skating on surface impressions.  

For my own amusement I selected bags from the internet - 

The first one was a Louis Vitton retailing for approx $4,000

The second one was a Bulgari bag,  retailing for approx $8,000

The third one was a valextra bag,  retailing for approx $7,100

and the last one was a Hermes bag,  retailing for approx $35,000!!

(click away, I will not get a cut if you buy one of these bags!)

Personally,  I would not be able to tell one bag from the other,  but it was fun looking them up... 

Spread Positive Gossip

So a client came to me for a reading and told me how depresssed and stressed she is about everything right now,  and frankly,  I felt who could blame her. The news is screaching, the election is just over the top,  there are hurricanes and world news is even worse!

But then I was reading (I'm always reading!) about one way to deal with all the negativity that seems to be seeping around us,  and it was "spread positive gossip."  When funny,  charming,  hopeful things pass by,  grab them and share them.   So you have stories to counter the tough ones. 

It's not that you don't listen to your friends about their worries.  And it's not that you are some blithe hey, let's be happy while Rome is burning person.  But rather,  in a very real way,  what you pay attention to,  what you repeat to others,  affects your outlook.  So start paying attention to things that lighten you,  give you hope,  give you joy.  And acknowledge the difficult times that are occuring all around us,  but spread some positive gossip as well. 

I remember clearly last year,  after the horrors that were happening in the middle east,  I was telling a friend that for personal and world reasons,  it was a tough year.  And he replied, it's been the best year of my life.  He had a baby with his girlfriend and then married her when the baby was 5 months old.  They were all glowing in the photos.  

And I thought to myself,  I have to remember this.  I've been in a dark bubble,  but he was in a joyous one,  and I let his joy enter in and lighten me.  So now,  when I read articles about good goings on,  I repeat them in casual conversation.  And when good things happen to my friends,  I repeat that too,  so we spread a little light. 

Emotional attachment

 

"When you lose your emotional attachment to them, you begin to realize how ordinary they are and that it was your love and energy that made them unique"

Apparently this is an internet quote.  I'd not heard it in this precise way before,  but I see so often that people fall in love with what they want to see,  and when they finally disengage,  they can see that it was just another human in front of them... not a demi god or a monster.  We give them our power and they become powerful.  When we detach,  we take back our power and amazingly,  they can become powerless for us. 

And it reminds of a piece I put up a while ago.  (Just did the search and I wrote it in 2013!) with a quote from Gone with the Wind.  I called it Loving what we want to see

“I loved something I made up, something that’s just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.”  Scarlett in Gone with the Wind.

People come and tell me things like this all the time (though not always with Scarlett's hard won awareness) 

It's so important to see the person as they truly are,  and not put your own suit on them, or give them all your power.

Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor

I was talking to a client about how our difficulties serve to give us more depth, and she came out with "Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor."  

I loved it!  I'd never heard it before and she couldn't remember who said it,  but her father used to quote it often.   So after she left I looked it up.   Most commonly attributed to Franklin D Roosevelt,  32nd President of the United States,  who lead the US during WWII.

And there is always the idea that we don't want to battle difficulties - that we want smooth sailing,  we want things easy,  of course we do!  But our greatest life lessons,  they come from the difficult times,  and they test and temper us,  forging our steel to strength and sharpness.    Easy to say after the battle is over and the lesson learnt.  Harder to see while the storm is raging.  But also good to remember while the storm is raging -  life is change and the better I get at sailing through it,  the better my life will become. 

Cultural values

When you meet someon new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and sometimes you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad. 

Giving yourself some time and space

I had a reading where a woman in her 50's came in.  She had some hard cards.  She was trapped by the Emporer and had Justice Reversed in her hopes and dreams.   It turns out she had returned home to help her aging father who had alzheimers. (Best description of an Emperor/ Justice reversed  situation I've heard in some time!) 

Looking after him had turned her wands cards upside down, all her energy was going into keeping him safe and stable, but it left none for her.  

We had a long talk about caretaker burnout and compromises on her care,  to give her some space for self care.  But I was reassured by seeing the Magician as her outcome card.  She will mange to pull a rabbit out of her hat,  and it will be okay. 

Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in are just hard,  and there are few shortcuts.  Going to tarot card readers,  talking with friends,  having some fun - helps us remember the lives we can have.  It's always important to make time and space for relaxation and happiness. 

Great novels

I read a lot,  but never the books you'll find in book clubs.  I read romance,  science fiction,  post apocolypse and fantasy.  I read a lot and most of it is pretty good.  Books I'm happy to pass the time with,  books that I smile on rereading.

I read The Space Between Worlds when it first came out and really enjoyed it.  A lot of science fiction has superior writing - think of Ursuala le Guin or Margaret Atwood.  I hold Micaiah Johnson up to those standards.  The writting is excellent,  but what I reallly loved is what she did with the notion of the multiverse and how it works.  

I didn't know she had written a sequel,  I just stumbled across it on amazon.  So I reread The Space Between Worlds - love rereading! - then started the new book - Those Beyond the Wall.   Set in the same universe,  ten or so years later,  with some familiar characters but introducing the amazing Mr Scales.  I loved it even more.  

I don't want to give spoilers,  but I do want people who may be on the fence about science fiction or just buying a new book today a gentle nudge - go get this one.  Or at least read the reviews which are deep and thoughtful and show why you should immerse yourself in this gorgeous writing and fierce ideology today! 

Leonard Cohen

To celebrate Leonard Cohen's 90th Birthday (had he made it that long) we went to see a supremely talented Kletzmer fusion band, Monsieur Camembert perform his songs.  

It was just wonderful!  It was like being in a sound bath of gorgeous music (amazing interpretations!) and extraordinary singing.  And then there were the lyrics and Cohen's web of words that just spin you into another world. 

If you don't know his work,  he's one of a kind. Try this atlantic article for starters - The Anti Rockstar.  Dark, sad,  gorgeous,  self indulgent,  seeking,  pessimistic,  desiring contact and connection to the point of desperation.  Just amazing! 

I consider him a poet as much as a song writer and often love covers of his songs more than his orginals,  but he's a wonder and I'm glad he was in the world,  to give us his light to shine in the dark... 

Observe, don't Absorb

I know, I'm doing  too many catch phrase blogs lately - but catch phrases are so helpful!

I was talking to a woman who was being triggered by her family.  They've been dysfunctional for a long time and keep trying to drag her back into the game.  She is already low contact,  and doesn't want to cut them all off altogether. So I said,  you can observe their behaviours but you don't have to absorb their energy.  An invitation can be declined - they invite you into their dramas,  you observe but not absorb.  

She seemed to really like that,  so I'm offering it to you here - you don't have to absorb everything that is thrown at you.   I'm a great believer in energy work,  and this is a great description of how to deal with energy that is being thrown at you - you can observe it,  but don't take it on board and you definitely don't have to take it personally or feel that only you can fix it! 

Thinking about Loneliness

I came across this article - about an  interview between Elie Weisel and Oprah Winfrey in 2012. 

PROF. WIESEL: Sometimes [students] ask me, "What should we take away from your classes?" And a few times, I came up with a formula, which I'm not sure is always good. I said simply: "Look, whatever you do in life, remember: Think higher and feel deeper. It cannot be bad if you do that."

OPRAH: Mmm... that will be with me for the rest of my life: "Think higher." ...And what is it you most want the world to know?

PROF. WIESEL: That if there is one person on the planet who still is suffering from loneliness and from pain or despair, and we don't know about it, or we don't want to know about it, then something is wrong with the world.

OPRAH: And each of us, through our wanting to know and wanting the other person, whomever that is, to not feel alone.

PROF. WIESEL: That's exactly it. I cannot cure everybody. I cannot help everybody. But to tell the lonely person that I am not far or different from that lonely person, that I am with him or her, that's all I think we can do and we should do.

Here's more from both of them on Oprah's site

Sometimes I do readings for people who feel profoundly lonely and alone in their loneliness.   The tarot is about commonalities,  the threads that tie us all together.  In their readings, I try to emphasize those threads. 

I know that loneliness can lead to despair,  that despair can lead to hopelessness.  It's so important to challenge our feelings of loneliness,  to find where we connect to others,  to reach out.  Yes,  some people may disapoint us,  but not all...  and where there people with the wisdom and stature of Eli Wiesel around,  they can make us brave,  and we can feel that reaching out is worth the risk. 

We all react in our own ways...

 

I was scrolling around and came across this saying, purportedly originally Russian -   The same boiling water that softens the potato will harden the egg. 

Sometimes something happens to us, and the person next to us is a potato,  but we are an egg. Who is repsonding best? There is no answer to that,  we are responding according to our essense.  There is no shame in hardening when you are in a boiling situation if you are egg like;  no shame in softening if you are more potatoish..  What matters is that you don't judge others for their reactions if they differ from yours.  

The one I always look at sideways is when older adults say,  I was hit as a child,  nothing wrong with me,  and so they should be able to hit their grandchidren.  Well, even if it was true,  and we could argue otherwise,  just because you went through bullying or cruelty,  and grew stronger,  doesn't mean that the next person will.  And I like the egg and potato example,  because the situation that was meaningful to you might be devestating to others,  and vica versa. 

So learn about your qualities - what triggers you,  what gives you hope.  And know that others are also triggered and encouraged but it may be by very different events. And neither of you are wrong. 

So then what happened?

I had a reading with a new client.  She found me via this blog.  She read about the woman whose second boyfriend,  while superficially different to the first,  was just the same devil in disguise.  

So what happened with them? she asked.

I don't know.  The woman hasn't come back yet.  

And she was disappointed,  like the tv series had cut short too soon.  (I always change a few details,  to keep anonymity.  People don't even recognise their own stories in the blog!)

I often feel like that too.  People come to a reading,  I see all about their lives,  and then they disappear and I don't get to see what happened next.  That's why I love repeat clients.  Even years later,  they come back and we see how the story continues... 

Celebrity divorces

There are some people you follow,  and after a while,  they've been in your life so long,  they feel like old acquaintances - someone you went to college with,  someone who was in a group you were in once...  You don't even have to like them,  you just sort of keep tabs on them.   I don't love Jennifer Lopez.  And I really don't love Ben Affleck.  But I sort of liked them getting back together again,  after all these years.   Little facts tweaked me,  like that they didn't sign a prenup.  I really hoped they would make it this time. 

But as they song says,  everywhere you go,  you take the weather with you (Crowded House)  And Ben took the weather with him.  Him looking despairing at yet another awards ceremony,  so awkward,  so not wanting to be there.  Her looking impeccable,  as always.  And I sighed.  I knew that they were on different trajectories and unless he really pulled hard,  they wouldn't make it.  It's okay for one half of the couple to be more social and appearance driven,  especially if it's the woman and if she can leave her other half at home.  But if all she does is get 20 questions about where is he,  and 20 articles about the state of her marriage every time she goes out without him,  well then she starts dragging him along. And boy did he look dragged.  

So I wasn't surprised at the news that she filed for divorced,  or that she was the proactive one to do the filing.  But I was sad for both of them.  They were honestly fighting for the dream and I was honestly hoping it would work,  and I'm on no one's team here (ok,  I'm a little more on Jennifer's team,  but not 100% more like 55/45) and I wish them both well in the future...  

Read this article in the New York times,  comparing J.Lo to Elizabeth Taylor - and wishing for her to be remembered not for her relationships,  but how she wanted to change the world,  and fought so hard for a cause that she made a real difference.  Now that's a blessing to take with you. 

Your Brain Under Pressure

Sometimes things build to a crescendo in our lives,  the list is too long,  the noise is too loud,  and we can't get it done.  

If the pressure is too much,  I can literally feel my brain fill with fog,  and I find it hard to think.  I really advocate taking a moment for a time out,  just to give your brain a chance to reset.  

My go to is the beach - I go to Maroubra and watch the waves crash and catch my breath. 

Of course,  if you are in NYC,  there are fewer waves to watch,  but find your corner,  whether walking by the river,  or watching the dogs at the dog park,  where you can just let go for a minute and let yourself reset.   It can make such a difference... You can always try these places

David Whyte, poet

 A friend recently introduced me to a new (to me) poet.

I really loved this one:

Sweet darkness

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love.

The dark will be your womb
tonight.

The night will give you a horizon
further than you can see.

You must learn one thing.
The world was made to be free in.

Give up all the other worlds
except the one to which you belong.

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloneness
to learn

anything or anyone
that does not bring you alive

is too small for you.

From The house of Belonging,  poems by David Whyte