Christmas and New Years

Wishing all who celebrate a warm and happy Christmas.  

And to all those who don't,  to still let some of the magic seep in... 

Useful feedback

Sometimes we are going about our lives and one of friends says something to us,  about how we are managing ourselves,  and it's not complimentary!   Often that doesn't feel nice at all.  People come to me and ask if they should stop being friends with this type of person. 

My question is,  was the information useful?  Did it show things in a new light?  

Sometimes we don't see our situation as clearly as an outsider might.  Sometimes our friends are looking out for us.  Of course it could be that some of our friends are awful people and we should find new ones - but if we're not in middle school,  I hope that's not the case! 

So maybe this friend was clumsy,  and maybe they are just more conservative/ less conservative,  more adventurous / less adventurous than we are. So we can look at the information and factor that in too.  But I look at things through several lenses - were they saying this to be helpful?  Do they believe it?  Have others said something like it?  Are they kind friends?  I always look to see if the feedback could be useful to me.  It might just show a new perspective on things,  it might be really helpful. 

Sound Bath

All my life I've been very receptive/ sensitive to sound.  The right music can just lift me up and completely change my mood,  and the wrong music just jars on me and I can't bear it.  

Lately I've been putting in the words Sound Bath to apple and spotify,  or youtube and listening to what they conjure up.  Lots of it doesn't work for me,  but I've found things that are just wonderful!  Sound Baths are healing vibrational sounds  - gongs, bells,  singing bowls, chimes etc..  often with music, rain sounds, sometimes on their own,  that are meant to resonate through you and work on your harmonics. 

If you are seeking some refuge,  something different,  try listening to new music.  Most sound bath music does not have lyrics,  but often does have spoken visualizations over it.  Some of the spoken stuff does not work at all for me,  some of it is soothing,  some of it I never hear,  because I've fallen asleep by then.  But a lot of it really relaxes me.  

My most recent find is Dr Ramdesh.  You may not like her, don't worry if you don't,  but find someone that does work for you. If you are troubled with anxiety or racing thoughts,  try finding some new guided visualizations, or meditations.  I find they help enormously. 

Green flags

We all know about red flags.  Here's a lovely list of green flags,  to help us know what healthy support looks like,  both to give and receive:

Sometimes it feels hard to be Grateful

I love Thanksgiving.  A festival that involves food,  is non demoninational, gets friends and family together around the theme of Gratitude?  It's like it was made for me!

But sometimes we have so much going on,  or things are so not going our way,  that it can be hard to celebrate. It can feel like one more task,  one more demand.  And our family may not appreciate our efforts,  or rush off early to another commitment,  or watch TV and not talk. 

And I think we need to hold space for both - for the chance to honor Gratitude and the emotional cost of putting on events that may not be appreciated. 

One client came to me and told me that she hated Thanksgiving becuase her mother used to do it all,  and now that her mother can't,  it has become her job and it's just too much.  Even with other family reluctantly bringing a dish,  even with her kids dragooned into helping, it's too much work.  

So make it less work,  I said.  Don't do 12 different dishes.  Do only what works for you,  have a potluck,  go to a restaurant,  change it all together.  But do do something that allows for a sense of gratitdue.  It's the feeling,  not the food that is important.  If no one can make it on the day,  then have it the weekend before,  or the Saturday after.  

This year we are having a Friendsgiving on Sunday.   Everyone is brining something.  I had over committed myself,  and then realized I couldn't do that much.  My friend graciously rang me and said,  I know you're going through a lot,  my son's friend will make the pies.  I felt such relief!  I'm doing brussel sprouts and asparagus,  I'm meeting with good friends and their extended families.  It's been a tough year,  but I am letting myself be grateful... 

The Secret of Kindness

I was talking about the kindness of strangers recently and my upset client asked what kindness! And I said,  sometimes you can help someone who you don't know and won't get to know - in the supermarket,  in the post office,  filling out a form,  and it's nothing for you but eases their day... and then sometimes someone will do it for you.  When you are stressed and tired and they smile and help and you feel,  wow,  there are humans out there after all.  

It's important to remember that everyone around us is living out their life,  like we are,  having good and bad days,  as we are,  and if we can help them,  and they can do the same for us,  it makes a real difference to our shared reality. 

Of course,  some days I'm sad, mad or anxious one,  unable to give kindness,  no one can do it every day.  But every day that I can,  is a better day for me. That's the secret of kindess - in the giving,  you get to feel better... 

Sometimes it takes a crisis

Sometimes you need a crisis to see a solution.  Sometimes you put so much energy into keeping the status quo,  that it's only when it (you) break that you can find a different way of doing things.

People come to me to find solutions but often, sadly,  the cards say if you keep doing what you are doing,  you're going to keep getting the same results.  If you are looking for love,  sometimes I can pull 10 cards and not find a relationship card there.  Then I say,  we have to do something different.  And we talk about what you are doing,  and what you won't do,  and what needs to be done.   And it can be a different doing for each person that comes to the reading.  Some people are too swift to cut their losses,  some people date for 6 months when they knew on the second date this wasn't going to be what they wanted.  

So if you come and feel a crisis brewing,  that may not be a bad thing - a crisis can give us the energy to change... 

Let me intoduce myself

Every so often I do a reading and realize that my new client knows nothing about me and found me by pure chance.  So that's when I do a small blog piece about who I am and how I read.

Actually, to tell how I read,  just browse this blog - which I started in 2009,  but I had already been reading tarot cards for strangers for about 20 years by then.  So it's the job I've had the longest.  But in between I've done more professional things - worked in offices as a recruitment consultant, worked in a modelling agency as a booker,  worked in a dating agency,  then completed my second degree and became a group analytic psychotherapist,  and specialized in addiction.  Always working with people,  always interested in what motivates and sustains us; why we succeed,  where we stumble.  Always reading tarot cards.  But in 2009 my son was in school,  I wanted part time work I could control,  and I dropped all the other gigs and focused solely on tarot.  

I've been reading for strangers weekly since then. 

When we moved back to Australian I changed my format a little bit.  You see,  the magic for me lies in the shuffling - you have to move the cards,  you have to pick them,  your energy is what makes it work.  So I do readings via zoom,  facetime,  whatsap,  you name it,  but you need to have the cards in your hands.  Most of my regular clients were fine with this,  they bought a deck,  shuffled it in the week preceding our reading,  and I would tell them how to lay them out 

We always start with a Celtic Cross - you will lay out 10 cards into this shape.  Then I talk for 7 or so minutes,  I encourage people to record these readings,  it's a lot of information.  Then we talk together and you can usually get 3 or so questions answered on top of the intial reading during the hour. 

It's worked very well.  If I haven't read for you in the past,  just buy a deck and we will set up a time.  You read in the privacy of your own home,  I'm seeing you from Australia so usually your evening to my morning.  And you get to see a snap shot of where your energy is now. 

I look forward to reading for you,

warmly,

Liat

Getting lost in the surface, or not feeling valued

A woman in her late thirties came to me,  all upset because her husband had bought her the $4,000 handbag when clearly the $8,000 one was so much better.  And now she was expected to be happy, but she hates the bag,  and feels ripped off.

To let me feel empathy,  I had to remove all costings and bag labels and just think about asking for something you really want and feel like you deserve and then getting something less than,  and being forced to have performitive feelings for it.  

So we began talking about communication (the cards were not good,  all upside down) and why did she need him to buy the wrong bag,  why couldn't she go with him,  how did she express all this and also,  because we are in the real world,  could he afford it?  Maybe $4,000 was as far as he could go... 

And it gave me a minute of gratitude. That I am not in her headspace,  that this is something I would never want,  but also,  compassion,  because she was so stressed and disturbed by it,  so upset with no where really to go.  It's the feeling of not being heard and not being valued.   But also,  not being able to compete,  and all the other women knowing exactly what she was given and what it meant to them. 

So I encouraged her to go back to her husband to have a real conversation,  but also,  think about how this plays out with her social circle,  and why her female friendships feels so competitive and judgemental.  She was surprised at that,  she thought all female friendships were like that. So that was a start.  Hopefully she will go into the High Priestess (her outcome card) and start to think about her life more intuitively,  rather than skating on surface impressions.  

For my own amusement I selected bags from the internet - 

The first one was a Louis Vitton retailing for approx $4,000

The second one was a Bulgari bag,  retailing for approx $8,000

The third one was a valextra bag,  retailing for approx $7,100

and the last one was a Hermes bag,  retailing for approx $35,000!!

(click away, I will not get a cut if you buy one of these bags!)

Personally,  I would not be able to tell one bag from the other,  but it was fun looking them up... 

Spread Positive Gossip

So a client came to me for a reading and told me how depresssed and stressed she is about everything right now,  and frankly,  I felt who could blame her. The news is screaching, the election is over the top,  there are hurricanes and world news is even worse!

But then I was reading (I'm always reading!) about one way to deal with all the negativity that seems to be seeping around us,  and it was "spread positive gossip."  When funny,  charming,  hopeful things pass by,  grab them and share them.   So you have stories to counter the tough ones. 

It's not that you don't listen to your friends about their worries.  And it's not that you are some blithe hey, let's be happy while Rome is burning kind of  person.  But rather,  in a very real way,  what you pay attention to,  what you repeat to others,  affects your outlook.  So start paying attention to things that lighten you,  give you hope,  give you joy.  And acknowledge the difficult times that are occuring all around us,  but spread some positive gossip as well. 

I remember clearly last year,  after the horrors that were happening in the middle east,  I was telling a friend that for personal and world reasons,  it was a tough year.  And he replied, it's been the best year of my life.  He had a baby with his girlfriend and then married her when the baby was 5 months old.  They were all glowing in the photos.  

And I thought to myself,  I have to remember this.  I've been in a dark bubble,  but he was in a joyous one,  and I let his joy enter in and lighten me.  So now,  when I read articles about good goings on,  I repeat them in casual conversation.  And when good things happen to my friends,  I repeat that too,  so we spread a little light. 

Emotional attachment

 

"When you lose your emotional attachment to them, you begin to realize how ordinary they are and that it was your love and energy that made them unique"

Apparently this is an internet quote.  I'd not heard it in this precise way before,  but I see so often that people fall in love with what they want to see,  and when they finally disengage,  they can see that it was just another human in front of them... not a demi god or a monster.  We give them our power and they become powerful.  When we detach,  we take back our power and amazingly,  they can become powerless for us. 

And it reminds of a piece I put up a while ago.  (Just did the search and I wrote it in 2013!) with a quote from Gone with the Wind.  I called it Loving what we want to see

“I loved something I made up, something that’s just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.”  Scarlett in Gone with the Wind.

People come and tell me things like this all the time (though not always with Scarlett's hard won awareness) 

It's so important to see the person as they truly are,  and not put your own suit on them, or give them all your power.

Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor

I was talking to a client about how our difficulties serve to give us more depth, and she came out with "Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor."  

I loved it!  I'd never heard it before and she couldn't remember who said it,  but her father used to quote it often.   So after she left I looked it up.   Most commonly attributed to Franklin D Roosevelt,  32nd President of the United States,  who lead the US during WWII.

And there is always the idea that we don't want to battle difficulties - that we want smooth sailing,  we want things easy,  of course we do!  But our greatest life lessons,  they come from the difficult times,  and they test and temper us,  forging our steel to strength and sharpness.    Easy to say after the battle is over and the lesson learnt.  Harder to see while the storm is raging.  But also good to remember while the storm is raging -  life is change and the better I get at sailing through it,  the better my life will become. 

Cultural values

When you meet someone new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and occassionally you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad.