Self Talk

I have a friend who always calls herself an idiot - I'm such an idiot, she says,  easily and often.  And finally I said,  I can't let you talk about my good friend like that!  I won't hear it,  and it's not true.  

And she smiled at me.  You're right,  you're right.  And I know her self talk is entrenched and continues when I'm not there,  but when I am there,  she tries to speak more nicely about herself... and isn't that a good thing!

So watch how you talk to yourself.  And don't go badmouthing yourself!  Self talk matters.  

The parable of the Wolf

I've read this in numerous variations but it always resonates...

A young boy sat with his grandfather who told him,  in you,  and in everyone, there are two wolves fighting.  One wolf is good - he is honorable, and kind and seeks wisdom and justice.  The other wolf is bad,  he is vengeful, cruel and angry and wants power.

Which one wins? asks the boy.

The one that you feed,  he replies.

I love that answer.  It explains everything. Firstly, that all of us have these two wolves - don't feel bad or shame that you have an angry cruel wolf inside.  But secondly,  you can do something about it. And that is,  don't feed it! Give your energy and your time to the honorable kind wolf,  and that is the self that will win... 

It's always such a good question to ask yourself - which wolf am I feeding right now?

I have to update this because I read the funniest meme: - 

I definitely have both dragons inside of me! And I love museums and museum gift shops.   

Cultural Moments

I went and saw Lizzo recently,  on her tour of Australia.  I love her.  I love her lyrics,  I love her voice,  I love her message.  And then this weird news broke out - 3 back up dancers were suing her,  for sexual harassment?  How could that be?

My husband has worked in theater for a long time.  And I've seen stars go out after a show,  wired and needing to decompress.  And I can see how easily Lizzo,  on tour,  no friends around,  says to her homies,  let's go out.  But she's wearing two hats here:  friend/fun girl and boss.  But she only sees the one hat,  she doesn't see the Employer hat sitting so firmly on her head. So maybe her crew don't want to go out,  maybe they find it exhausting being windswept and interesting with their boss,  after work. But if they say no,  they are the boring ones,  the not fun ones,  and maybe that means they won't be rehired when this tour ends. So there is a subtle but strong pressure to go out.  I've seen it on countless nights. Also, the person inviting is also charismatic and interesting.  So you go.  But you can feel resentful and tired and somehow trapped.

And then,  because they are in Amsterdam or Paris and going out late,  after a show - well what's open?  And somehow,  she is inviting people to go out,  but not to a regular nightclub,  but to a sex club.  That's a line you can't cross with your employees.  You cannot be taking them to sex clubs.  Even when you think they are friends,  even when you are just joking.  It's like all those salesmen who were taken to strip bars by their bosses in the 1980s,  and were unable to say,  hey,  this is unprofessional and frankly gross and I don't want to be here. But it's 2023 and she should absolutely know better.

What she should have said, what I would have advised her to say,  had she asked me,  is omg,  I'm so sorry.  I thought I was just inviting people to hang and totally overlooked that they were actually my employees and I may have inadvertently put them in uncomfortable situations.  I feel sick to my stomach now that I think about it. This is 100% not what I want people to feel.  I wish they had been able to say to my face that they didn't feel comfortable there, but I know that it's on me to prevent this stuff happening,  and trust me,  it won't happen on my watch again.  Again, I'm so sorry that these people felt the slightest bit coerced.  I think of them as family,  but I can see,  that I'm also the boss,  and I will never invite my employees to a sex club again.  

I still love her.  I hope she learns and grows from this incident.   

Disappointment

It is an absolute truth that everyone will disappoint you sometimes.  

Let's just sit with that for a minute.  Your mother,  your father,  at least once in your life,  they'll get it wrong,  and let you down.  Your sister,  your lover.  Won't hear, won't be there,  will let you down.  Hell,  even you,  yourself,  may disappoint yourself sometime...  I shouldn't have done that,  drunk that,  slept with him...

So everyone will disappoint you.  

But some people are worth it.  

It helps not to expect or even desire perfection.  If they meet you half way,  if they don't want to disappoint you,  but life got in the way,  if they are trying.  And if on the good days,  you both laugh and laugh.  Or if they remember your secrets and never share them, or if they always speak their truth to you and let you speak your truth to them... then you can weather some disappointment.

(of course I'm not talking about major betrayals here. They get a lot more scrutiny and thought...) 

The scariest card

No one wants to draw the Death card.  Even if you know nothing about the tarot, one look at that card,  and you feel deep unease.

But Tarot is a subtle guidance,  and death doesn't mean death is coming for you.  It means change is coming,  deep change,  transformative change.  I wrote a blog on butterflies and change and the death card in 2012 (which just goes to show how old this blog is!) and now I'm thinking of it again.

I used to tell clients that I was thinking of getting a word tattooed on each of my wrists - the right would say LIFE and the left would say CHANGE.  Life, Change.  Life, Change.  Just to remind me and them that all life involves change.  And often is it the resistance to change,  as opposed to the change itself,  that can hurt us the most.  (I couldn't find images of that,  but I did find lots of heart beats,  whose very syncopation says that all life involves the heart moving and changing beat,  so I used that image.) 

If you draw the death card,  change is coming.  Now we can discuss how to deal with it,  see if we can modify it,  but mostly see if we can surf it to get to the shore safely.  Things never stand still,  life is always in motion, and if we can accept that,  then the Death Card need not be so scary... 

Ahead of her Time

Sinead O'Connor saw clearly. She saw what the Church was doing in Ireland and she brought light on it - and frankly,  they tried to crucify her for it.   There's something so powerful when someone can see a cultural disease and clearly speak to it.  

But she saw other things clearly too. How the music industry wanted her to be pretty,  and she shaved her head;  how they wanted her to be docile and she rebelled;  how they wanted her to be overawed by them and she said she never wanted to be a pop star in the first place.  She saw herself so clearly - a protest singer who shone a light.  

I love the quote - in Rememberings, "A lot of people say or think that tearing up the Pope's photo derailed my career. That's not how I feel about it," she wrote. "I feel that having a No. 1 record derailed my career and my tearing the photo put me back on the right track."

I know she is a complex being and not everything she did made sense. But she came from a pure place,  and it took a few decades for us to catch up with her,  and see that most things she said were absolutely true and right.  I am grateful to her,  for the risks she took,  and for how hard she struggled to show us Truth. 

Anxiety

Anxiety - even the mention of the word can make us feel anxious.  Throughout the Covid years I was speaking to a lot of people with increasing issues with anxiety.  And somehow they all felt,  once Covid felt like it was behind us,  the anxiety would decrease.  But there is something about long exposure to anxiety,  it sensitizes us to it.  So the more you are anxious,  the more anxious you can become - feels terribly unfair!  

The best advice I've found for dealing with it, is getting out into nature - a walk in the woods,  by the river,  or the ocean -  works wonders.  But sometimes we are far away from nature,  and getting out of the house on our one day off and trying to find some nature just adds to our stress.  So... I've been recommending guided meditations downloads and aps.  

But first I'll start with a disclaimer.  I absolutely believe that these can help,  but I'm also incredibly picky.  One wrong detail and I'm out of there,  no longer relaxed and in touch,  but rather irritated and more anxious!  So I can reject then on the basis of accent,  of back ground music,  of one wrong word.  But I believe in them,  so while I am picky and reject far more than I accept,  I keep ploughing on till I find the one that works for me.  These have worked for me or been recommended by people I trust and have worked for them.  They may not work for you,  and that's not on you or on the product, it just didn't connect to you.  If they don't work, please just look for another one - and if you find one that really does work for you, let me know and I'll add it to my list of referrals.  

I've listened to literally hundreds of guided meditations,  and this is one of my favorite creators - Belleruth Naparstek. ,  she speaks so kindly and so wisely.   I also like the work by Andrew Weil, he writes a lot about food,  but his CD on music,  with Kimba Arem ,  was just so healing and calming. Also the very well named,  Anxiety Release app comes highly recommended.  

So take a deep breath,  and dive into that world and see what speaks to you...