Before taking on commitments ask these 3 questions

When someone asks you to do something for them,  ask yourself these three questions:

Can I do it?

Am I willing to do it?

Will I feel resentment if I do it?

I think these questions are so important.  There are things I can't do,  things I can do but am not willing to do,  things that just make me feel resentful. If I feel resentful or not willing,  is the outcome worth it?  

Recently I did a complicated government form application,  which relied on me having done several other simpler government form things earlier in the year.  I had to do it, there was no one else who could do it for me.  So I broke it into the smallest possible tasks and started with them.  As things grew more complex,  at least I had all the simple stuff done and accurate.  It took me over 6 months,  and then it was done.  I did feel exhausted and resentful during the process,  but then afterwards,  I felt overwhelmingly grateful that it was done,  done well,  done successfully.  

Sometimes people ask for help and I have to say,  I'm so sorry,  I just don't have the bandwidth for that now.  Sometimes people ask for help,  and I say,  sure,  let's do it now.  But I do ask myself these three questions.  And if I will feel resentment,  I ask myself what other options do I have?  Can I deal with this feeling? Is the end result worth it?  If it's not,  then don't do it!

All images from the wonderful This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rothman

And baby makes three

So many women come to me when they are trying to become pregnant (we all agree, that 'fall' is such a dreadful term when you are doing everything you can and it's just not happening.) 

But many women also come to me once the baby is born,  and nothing is like they expected/ hoped for. 

When we move from a dyad - two people forming a pair bonding - to a triad - three humans forming a bonding,  all sorts of weird and wonderful things can happen. 

Dyads are easier,  because there is only you and one other to take into account.  Threesomes (those kinds as well) are much harder.  If we square 2,  we get 4.  But if we square 3 we get 9.  Many more possibilities.

And if the new human is tiny and demanding and frankly unreasonable,  it can upset the original dyad catastrophically. 

So when you have a baby,  lots of things change.  Not only the obvious,  but also the subtle interactions of the Dyad now rarely exist.  The Triad now dominates even if only 2 of them are in the room.  So the parent with the baby (most often the mother) can get resentful of the missing parent.  And even if both parents are together and the infant is with a trusted sitter,  the existence of the third,  still impacts the pair,  even when not present. 

Sometimes just pointing this out can help.  They can see the triangulations going on,  can catch the dynamics before they start splintering things.  

As always,  a little self awareness can go a long way...