Want a cookie energy

Recently a client used a phrase I hadn't heard before and I just thought it was perfect.  She was complaining about her husband and said he just has this 'want a cookie' energy.  She caught my puzzled look and said,  every time he does anything,  just normal adult stuff,  like unload the dishwasher or move clothes into the dryer,  he acts like he should get a cookie/reward for it.  (paraphrasing,  but that's the gist of it)  She's tired of him wanting praise and cookies for just doing basic stuff,  while not giving the same back to her. 

That was a really good observation and one hard that's hard to fight. It's hard when things feel unbalanced.  Her 2 of cups was reversed  and the 5 of swords was hovering.  We had a serious talk and I recommended counselling. These feelings can so easily lead to contempt,  and contempt is the marriage killer. 

But I loved the phrase.  

Relationships require work

People often come to me in the early stages of dating,  asking me if this person is 'the one'.  And the cards are easy with that,  they read the energy really clearly. 

But they also often come and ask,  should I leave,  and one of the things I reply with is,  Relationships require work.   I see relationships fold, not because of infidelity or indifference, but because life has so many moving pieces,  and people often put the adult relationship at the bottom of the list as they focus on work,  kids,  family commitments,  sport etc...  And then you just look at the co parent,  co partner,  co whatever and think,  could it be better with another company? 

I often refer people to Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love you Want (what a great title, who doesn't want that?!) which is a very cheap way to get some really excellent advice.

One client told me that her marriage counsellor gave her these 3 questions to check in with each other every morning:

How are you feeling today?

What are you looking forward to today?

What are you worried about today?

So just feel that your person is checking in on you and you both know what's on the boil for the each other. 

When I give this kind of advice,  sometimes people's eyes glaze over. They don't want to do this,  they want the romance, limerence and excitement that was there is the early days,  when prioritizing each other was easy and they were excited at being in contact.  But all long term relationships require maintenance and just as we talk about self care,  and making sure you give yourself time to breathe and grow, so too, do you need to give time and attention to your primary relationship.  It's not easy and breathlessly romantic,  but it can ground and grow the love... 

Just after I wrote this piece,  the NYT ran this article about Terrence Real which speaks to much the same issues.