Is he the one?

Did a reading a while ago for a girl from Brisbane.  She had a significant love affair but it didn't work.  It wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, but he had just opened a new business and all his energy was there and the timing was wrong.  I said to her that he was one of 200 men she could possibly meet and marry and maybe it did work in another time line,  but in this time line it didn't and she can't go back,  she needs to move on. She liked the alternate time line option, sometimes you really can see a future with someone but it just doesn't pan out... 

Now she is seeing a man 14 years her senior.  It won't go anywhere,  he's the Emperor, not flexible enough for her,  but the sex is great,  she drew the Queen of Wands.  She laughed and agreed. She's leaving Sydney at the end of the year and she's going to keep on seeing him,  because there's no point trying for something deeper when she knows she's moving.

Sometimes they are not the one,  and both parties know it,  but they are certainly good enough to be the one for right now,  and as long as everyone knows that's the plan (he knows she plans to move to Melbourne for work in 2027) then a very good time can be had in the meantime. 

Relationships require work

People often come to me in the early stages of dating,  asking me if this person is 'the one'.  And the cards are easy with that,  they read the energy really clearly. 

But they also often come and ask,  should I leave,  and one of the things I reply with is,  Relationships require work.   I see relationships fold, not because of infidelity or indifference, but because life has so many moving pieces,  and people often put the adult relationship at the bottom of the list as they focus on work,  kids,  family commitments,  sport etc...  And then you just look at the co parent,  co partner,  co whatever and think,  could it be better with another company? 

I often refer people to Harville Hendrix's Getting the Love you Want (what a great title, who doesn't want that?!) which is a very cheap way to get some really excellent advice.

One client told me that her marriage counsellor gave her these 3 questions to check in with each other every morning:

How are you feeling today?

What are you looking forward to today?

What are you worried about today?

So just feel that your person is checking in on you and you both know what's on the boil for the each other. 

When I give this kind of advice,  sometimes people's eyes glaze over. They don't want to do this,  they want the romance, limerence and excitement that was there is the early days,  when prioritizing each other was easy and they were excited at being in contact.  But all long term relationships require maintenance and just as we talk about self care,  and making sure you give yourself time to breathe and grow, so too, do you need to give time and attention to your primary relationship.  It's not easy and breathlessly romantic,  but it can ground and grow the love... 

Just after I wrote this piece,  the NYT ran this article about Terrence Real which speaks to much the same issues.