Adult Friendships

I've met quite a few women going through divorce (perfect time for a tarot reading!) who talk about friendships.  They were part of a couple,  and knew other couples,  and now they are single and they don't fit as comfortably with their old couples,  some of whom are still seeing the ex,  and what do they do?

I agree that it's hard to maintain friendships after a big life change - you get divorced,  your couple friends still see him and the new partner (even worse if she was the affair partner!) 

It all depends on how much work you want to put into it. 

I have changed countries three times,  each time having to build an entire new friendship network,  under very different circumstances,  so I know how tricky it can be. 

I think we need all kinds of friends.  People with whom we can be deeply emotionally intimate, who know our history.  People we see daily,  often at work,  who we can rely on or who make the day more fun (huge bonus if they are both!)  People we see at the gym and have coffee with afterwards.  People who will go with us to our obscure interest.  People who go dancing with us. 

Having only a few friends to meet all of our myriad needs can be too straining for them and for us.  I have quite a few,  distinct circles of friends and acquaintances.  This allows me to balance out my needs and shift with them.  I have dog walking friends,  I have gym buddies,  I have work friends,  and distant cousins who are always good for some gossip!  I have friends I tell my secrets to and others to discuss politics.   Sometimes I can meet their needs,  sometimes they can meet mine,  and together we can swim through our days - which is what we need friends for! 

Friendship is important to me,  so I've put time and energy into it, and in the 7 years since I've returned to Australia,  I have built some solid, fun friendships.  It's not instant,  but it definitely flowers over time. 

Halloween

I have really fond memories of Halloween in Tribeca.  The entire neighborhood flung itself into the festivities.   We would accompany our younger kids as they trooped all over,  collecting huge amounts of candy from local stores.  Later,  as they got a bit older,  they would race into the apartments of friends and tear through the floors.  Some kids had actual pillow cases full of candy.  And when the parents were completely knackered, the kids would very seriously and quietly sit in a circle and trade candies for ones they liked better.  Sweet times.

Since we moved to Sydney,  especially this quieter suburb of Sydney,  Halloween has been quieter.  My son is much older.  So I decorated our ground floor balcony and bought loads of candy. And only 2 batches of goblins came!  I did like the blow up costumes which seemed to be the trend this year,  especially the girl with the octopus legs all around her (the image is the store sample.)   But I was sad at how few trick or treaters we served.  Especially because I bought so much candy!  They are going to cling to my hips over the coming months... 

Blog pieces

In September I wrote two blogs back to back  - one on mismatched sex drives,  and one on sleeplessness.  And the sleeplessness one out performed the sex one by 2:1

Made me smile.  Clearly we need more sleep before we can think about getting more sex! 

Lily Allen

 I saw Lily Allen once in NYC,  and she was great.  I love her witty,  wordy songs and sly light tunes.   I lost track of her a while ago,  and didn't give it much thought,  but now her new album is out  - West End Girl,  it's so strong and real, raging and present, and achingly sad.  

Madeline is just a brutally honest, angst filled,  beautiful song and as I listen to it, I just think,  honey,  you should have left him the first time you had doubts.  This just drove you crazy!  Clearly open marriages are complicated things,  and once trust is gone,  there isn't much there holding it together. 

Hope she feels better after getting this all off her chest.  I wish her joy and simplicity.  

What a wonderful idea!

So there's this ap,  where you can write yourself an email and select a future date,  and it will send you that email on that date.  So you are in today,  writing to future you.  It's called FutureMe. 

Also, you can nominate the letter be published on their site,  public but anonymous. So that's a fun rabbit hole to fall into.

 I just love this idea!  

You can look at what was so important for you 5 years ago,  and see where it sits with you today.  And I hope you can see how far you've come. 

What about the readings that don't work?

Someone said to me that all my reports on my readings are positive,  and why don't I comment on the negative ones?  And I said,  well the negative ones don't usually give me any feedback,  I don't see them again,  so I don't know where or how I went wrong.   I have read for many people only once.  I don't know if it didn't work for them or worked so well that the issue was resolved!  Of course some people expect real magic,  when all they are getting is discussions of the here and now and lots of people want to know 'when' something is going to happen to them without doing the work to get it. So those people are definitely going to be disappointed by any reading. 

I think one thing I have learnt is the more I manage my expectations,  the happier I am - in Tarot but also in life. 

I have had readings where my clients have been disappointed with the outcomes they drew.  That's not at all unusual.  But then the reading is all about how to change the outcome (hard work,  changing what you are doing,  moving out of your comfort zone.) If you don't want to do all the hard work, then it's not going to change.  And that is annoying and disappointing.  I get it.  I've lived it myself.  

Even with Tarot,  even with Magic, there is a limit to the shortcuts you can take.  If you are not getting what you want in life,  there are two questions - are your wants reasonable?  Are you doing all you can to make them happen?  I remember when I was struggling with infertility - all I wanted was a baby.  A completely reasonable want.  Most humans can have a baby if they want.  And I  had done all I could,  been to specialists,  had procedures.  And still the baby didn't come.  After seven long years (such a biblical number!) I finally gave in.  No baby.  So if not a mother,  then what was I going to do?  And about 6 months later,  with no treatment,  I became pregnant.  One miracle child. When people asked me if I would try for more,  I said,  I would take all the miracles I could,  but I wasn't going to chase any of them.  So I've had just the one,  and he was enough for our family. 

Sometimes you have to let go before something can arrive (and isn't that a hideous life lesson to learn!)  sometimes you have to jump the fences and try everything.  Tarot helps you to see which approach will help you more at this point in time. 

Chat GPT

I have had so many discussions about Chat GPT or AI generally lately,  it's astonishing.  Very much in the zeitgeist.   And while I have used AI generated images (my post for Pan Narrans was only AI plays on paintings)  I've never used it for writing or editing my blog pieces.  

I find there's something bland or featureless about the AI summaries.  If I read the AI summary for all the product reviews,  it just feels like mush.  I still don't get a sense of why the product is good or not (Most people liked using X,  a few commented that it didn't work as well after a few months,  but most people didn't have that problem. - meaningless!) I love reading the quirky reviews which sound like a friend has written it - OMG,  I used this knife on a picnic and I will use no other ever again.. - comments like that,  vivid, personal often funny but even serious ones that give you a sense of why someone did something and how - that AI can't capture - yet. 

I would caution against too much AI in important documents - for example some people are writing cover letters for job interviews entirely by AI and I think they sound both bland and insincere.  Of course,  the first read through is by AI - so it has to have all the key words the computer wants,  but when the final 5 or so get to a human - then it has to have something that would catch a human's eye.  By no means a simple feat! 

Just a warning - just as you can sense that something has been written by AI,  so someone can sense something you have presented is also AI.  While it's still in its teething stage, make sure you cast a stern eye over anything you ask it to write! 

Saying of the week

I love this saying and use it often:

If you want to go fast,  go alone.  If you want to go far,  go together

It is so much easier and faster to do things by yourself.  But if you always doing things by yourself,  it can get exhausting and lonely.  We can do it for a bit,  but I certainly couldn't do it for long.

To get far,  you need some support,  you need people on the journey with you.  So find your tribe,  and get going!

(of course finding your tribe can be a whole 'nother story. I'll do a seperate blog about that,  in the meantime you can read this one about friendship.)

Crying and feeling healed

I'm meandering through the internet,  as I often do.  I have a big family event on soon and am taking a break from the relentless planning and doing.  It's all on my shoulders,  as things often are of late.  So I'm a little resentful,  even though the event will be wonderful.

So I'm reading a bit here and there and come across this column from Dear Sugar: The Obliterated Space,  written in 2012. 

And now I'm crying,  and I'm emptied from my petty resentments and I'm aware of things much bigger than me, much better than I'll ever be,  and I'm comforted and hurting and in pain and calmer. 

The article is about grief around death - for one a mother who only lived to 45 and the other a son who only lived to 22. So be prepared for that.  So you'll cry.  But it's also beautiful.  What do we do with pain and grief and rage and loss and how do we live with it.  It's like a soft acid bath that burns away the dross and leaves you with gold.  

This is what the internet is really for - for reaching out and connecting and seeing situations and people in new lights,  seeing yourself in a new light.  

Before taking on commitments ask these 3 questions

When someone asks you to do something for them,  ask yourself these three questions:

Can I do it?

Am I willing to do it?

Will I feel resentment if I do it?

I think these questions are so important.  There are things I can't do,  things I can do but am not willing to do,  things that just make me feel resentful. If I feel resentful or not willing,  is the outcome worth it?  

Recently I did a complicated government form application,  which relied on me having done several other simpler government form things earlier in the year.  I had to do it, there was no one else who could do it for me.  So I broke it into the smallest possible tasks and started with them.  As things grew more complex,  at least I had all the simple stuff done and accurate.  It took me over 6 months,  and then it was done.  I did feel exhausted and resentful during the process,  but then afterwards,  I felt overwhelmingly grateful that it was done,  done well,  done successfully.  

Sometimes people ask for help and I have to say,  I'm so sorry,  I just don't have the bandwidth for that now.  Sometimes people ask for help,  and I say,  sure,  let's do it now.  But I do ask myself these three questions.  And if I will feel resentment,  I ask myself what other options do I have?  Can I deal with this feeling? Is the end result worth it?  If it's not,  then don't do it!

All images from the wonderful This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rothman

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind

I'm always happy to read Brene Brown.   She says she originally heard it the line in a 12 step program,  but she's adopted it in her own inimitable way. 

When I first moved to NYC people warned me that they would be brusque and unhelpful,  but compared to Australians,  most American's,  even New Yorkers,  are more kind and evasive than clear and direct.  Especially corporate America.  All one thing to your face,  another once you've left the room.  

But I really value clarity.  I always say I'd like a hard truth than a soft lie.  At least there is something solid with the truth.  And you being clear,  that let's me know where I stand.  If you are unclear,  how am I to know what you mean?

I have so many women come to me for tarot readings asking about men they've dated.  Men who have been unclear to the point that the women have no idea what is going on.  It would be so much kinder,   had they been clear.  Unclear is definitely unkind for many people. 

So next time you avoid being clear,  remember this line - clear is kind,  it's better to have one uncomfortable conversation and see what's going on, than evade and never get to knowing. 

Mismatched sex drives

So readings come in waves for me.  Sometimes they are all about work.  This time,  they've been about marriages and mismatched sex drives.  I find it so interesting that people from all around the world can come to me with the same problems.

So I talk to them about appetites.  Imagine always being hungry,  you only get to eat once a week.  And even if the food is delicious,  you know you are not getting any more after that.

Or imagine always being overfed.  You are full,  you feel bloated,  and here is another meal - still delicious but now it feels nauseating.  You just don't want to eat! why can't they understand that.

When I put it into food,  people start seeing what I am saying.  There is nothing morally wrong or superior about being always hungry or always full.  It's just a different drive alignment.  The trick is how to handle it within the marriage.  

When I gave this analogy one client said,  yes,  he never lets me get hungry for it! If only I could have the time to get hungry,  we'd both enjoy it more.  And the other client said I always feel like I'm starving and I'm starting to feel resentful.  They could see the picture clearly. 

Now what to do?

Well,  that's a really complicated question and each couple has to come up with it's own answer.  I'm strongly against force feeding!  But some people correlate affection with sex,  and can't have one without the other,  which leaves everyone dissatisfied.  And I do want both parties within the marriage to be satisfied.  Sometimes just having non sexual terms to discuss the issue, makes it less heated and more objective.  Let's start with that and see what individual answers we can find,  without judgement or blame. 

Late night sleeplessness

The New York Times and I are in perfect sync!  I'm sleeping really badly lately and I know my sleep hygiene is not good,  I'm reading too late,  I'm playing my stupid game. But my new bad issue is that I finally fall asleep,  and then I'm wide awake 2 hours later.  That's new and not good at all. 

So I just saw this article in the NYT on I can't Sleep.  Now What?,  which recommends 13 tips, all from experts.  I like the idea of flexing my toes.  Deep breathing never really works for me.  I feel someone else is controlling my breath and my agitation increases rather than decreases.  And listening to boring books/music - that really does work.  So I'm off to practice some new tips and hopefully will start sleeping through the night again.

Funny how something you used to do effortlessly is now hard and requires thought and action!  

Quick update - since writing this I remembered how I used to recommend Suntheanine from Natural Factors,  and it really does work for me.  I don't get a cut if you buy it,  it's just a recommendation.  I have tried other brands,  but the Natural Factors works best for me.  So sleeping better! 

Wishing you a good night's sleep too... 

Retirement

People often come to me when they have times of transition.  One of the bigger transitions people can have is retirement.  All our lives we've had purpose,  reasons to be get out of bed and do things,  and all of a sudden,  we have choices.  For many of us that is unalloyed pleasure,  but for quite a few of us, that's a new and weird hardship.

I had a woman come to me,  she had been both a hard and smart worker,  she was divorced and wealthy with a really comfortable retirement and a paid off apartment.  But she was drawing the 8 of swords. She felt trapped and unhappy and didn't know why. 

She was tempted to go back to work,  but no one wanted to pay her what she felt was her due,  and she would not work for less.  

So we discussed hobbies and interests and giving it time.  But I also said,  people really need purpose. All her life she had been purposeful.  She had been in real estate,  which is a sharks game in New York City,  and had swum with those sharks!  But now she wasn't and that was pulling her down.  She didn't want to volunteer anywhere,  didn't want to do anything she felt demeaning.  

But then I said,  don't think of it as volunteering,  think of it as mentoring.  There are so many young women starting up in real estate,  who would so value an hour a week with you,  talking through their dilemmas,  listening to you.  You could be of real help to them.  And her face lit up.  Yes,  to be helpful, to feel respected,  to participate.  When framed the right way, she found she could volunteer and have purpose.  

I saw her quite a few years ago, and this year she reached out again,  unexpectedly.  She told me that she had given my name out to many, many people,  and that our reading had changed her whole attitude to retirement and given her a much better outcome than she had expected. 

So let yourself be open to new beginnings,  and to new purposes.