Teapots

Last year I did a blog about a woman and expensive handbags.  I had fun trolling the internet for handbags to show as examples.  Then recently I wrote about things I'm not buying today,  and how I create Pinterest files about things I love,  and yet am not buying just yet.  

This reminded me of my love of teapots.  I love tea,  drink it all day every day.  I can do a coffee once a week,  but I have tea three times a day.  So I made the fatal error of looking at my teapots Pinterest folder,  and now I am longing to own more teapots.  I have seven.  I mean,  how many teapots can you justify owning? Especially as I drink from tea bags.  (Marks and Spenser Blue box, Bright and Malty - just perfect!) 

So in order to curb my lust,  putting them in the Pinterest folder is not not enough,  I'm now copying them to a blog piece here. 

My current favorite tea pots,  which I am not buying.  Or at least not all of them! 

Ruby Payne Chart

So I'm wandering around the internet and I see this cute chart and it's talking about socioeconomic guidelines and it says that poor people care about quantity of food,  middle class people care about quality of food,  and the rich care about presentation. 

I take that away and mull over it for a while and decide that I agree with that,  and wonder what else was in that chart.  And do you think I can find it?  I search every which way for an hour,  give up,  try the next day.  I never found that cutesy chart again.  But I did find this:

And it's the same information,  but more formally presented  (the chart I saw was definitely more cutesy,  visually friendly, more my speed frankly.) 

Turns out that Dr Ruby Payne has been writing about class, poverty and education for some time, and has all sorts of interesting and deeply considered opinions.  I fell into a rabbit hole of information about her! 

Each day I've been reading a line from this chart and thinking about whether I agree with it,  if it feels true to me,  what resonates.   It's part of my new year's resolution to keep broadening my interests. 

Find the good stuff

"When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life, for there is in London all that life can afford." So said Samuel Johnson, man of many literary accomplishments, including writing the very first dictionary.

Sometimes I feel like that about the internet - there are so many jewels,  so much wit,  so many clever thoughts!  And also, so much nonsense,  so much actual awfulness,  so much stupidity.  So while it's hard to be bored,  it can also feel hard to be engaged.  

I'm reading so much enraged triggering stuff - it's like people want to be enraged and triggered.  And then I read fabulous pieces - by Lane Anderson at the Matriarchy Report,  and or at  the Great Perhaps by Kim Foster  and I feel so happy and engaged and provoked out of my comfort zone but in a thoughtful and enriching way.   

So I guess like London,  the internet is full of jewels and wonders,  and full of sewerage and idiots,  and it's up to us to find the good stuff... 

Get It in Writing

So a client was talking to me about her work dynamics and she said something so clever I have to repeat it here.

Every time she has an important conversation with management,  or a client,  she writes a thank you email.  Something like - thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me about X today,  your insights were really helpful.  I've clarified that I need to do Y and Z.  I'll start doing that today.  

Or simple words to that effect - which get a written, time stamped confirmation of the talk,  and in effect,  'get it in writing'.  Most times she just gets a 'glad I could help', sometimes she gets further clarification. It's never back fired on her,  but it's a graceful way to get the conversation confirmed in writing.

They're always telling us to get everything in writing.  Here's a simple and elegant way to do so! Also - send that email to your home email as well, so you have access to it even after you leave work... 

Gift of Aging

Most of my clients are under 40.  I'm definitely older.  But there are benefits of aging,  and sometimes I say to them things I wish were said to me,  when I was their age.

In my youth I was so aware of what other people thought or did, and if I fit in and how I fit in, and if they would think I was weird and what it all meant.  So easy to overthink,  and quite exhausting! 

Now,  far less pretty but much more assured,  I'm just me.  I don't care what others think,  and if someone has something to say about my behaviour,  I listen but don't take it on board if I don't agree.  And I can take things on board if I do agree.  It's a gift to know that you don't have to know everything;  that you can give yourself permission to grow and learn and that you know,  deep in your bones,  that you are not perfect and that it's okay. 

Maternal Ambivalence

I went to a talk recently by Dr Margo Lowy,  about her book,  Maternal Ambivalence,  the loving moments and bitter truths of motherhood.  She discussed how mothers are portrayed as endlessly giving and loving,  and any disappointment or rage or ambivalence that she may feel is immediately discounted or judged severely.  

And it got me thinking about ambivalence in general.  We want to be entirely positive or entirely negative about things.  Seeing shades of grey are not often permitted in our culture.  Something is unequivocally good,  or unremittingly bad.  But of course,  life isn't like that at all.  And the closer we are to someone,  the more we depend on them,  the more expectations we have,  the greater the capacity for disappointment and rage.  And if you are raging against a baby,  it's easier to talk yourself down - the vast majority of women are being the best parent they can be,  and though the level of best varies hugely,  very few women are actually careless and evil with their babies (some are,  of course,  but the vast majority are definitely not!)

But with adult relationships,  it's easier to rage,  and harder to talk yourself down.  I'm reading and seeing so much dysfunction in committed relationships lately,  and it's becoming so easy to walk away,  and it worries me.  Any long term married person will tell you there were ebbs and flows in the marriage,  good times,  even great times,  and bad times,  even awful times.  And they worked through it and now the marriage is much more good than bad.  But fewer are working through it, and maybe they shouldn't be worked through, maybe marriages should be allowed to fray.  

But I feel like we are losing something precious,  when we don't let ourselves feel ambivalence, or don't let ourselves know that all relationships,  including parent child relationships,  will have good times and bad,  and that if we work through the difficult,  boring,  enraging times,  we can come to something very good indeed. 

What does success look like

Did a tarot reading for a woman recently who asked me with tears in her eyes 'what does success look like?'  It's such a personal question.  Success can be anything,  depending on where you are coming from.  But many people read their success from the opinions of others - family and friends,  but also strangers.  Why are we giving people such power in lives?  People we may never meet,  people we actually don't like,  and somehow their opinion colors us. 

There's a wonderful card in the Tarot - the last card of the Major Arcana,  called the World Card.

When you draw it,  I say that you are not the center of the world, but the center of your own world,  you are comfortable in your own skin,  you feel you are in the right place at the right time. 

The world card,  that's what success looks like! 

Things I am not buying today

I read something on threads where a woman was saying how she fills her shopping cart and then never buys it.  I know how she feels. What I do is have a pinterest page called Things I am not buying today - and if I see something I like,  I grab that image and save it to that page.  And then a while later I look at it and see if I still need it. So often they go stale as they sit in the folder,  and it's easy to delete them.  Sometimes they don't,  and then I do the math and see if it's time to buy them.  I also have pinterest pages for other things I like to collect,  like teapots, or shoes. 

This works for everything except beads.  I can buy beads every day.  I don't,  but the desire never leaves. I have a  pinterest page of bead designs that excite me,  and I really do love it! 

Another thing is,  when you collect beads,  sooner or later you do have to do something with them and then one day you wake up and realize you have 57 necklaces,  and really, no one needs that many necklaces. Moving to creating bracelets does not help long term.  So I give them as birthday gifts.  Personal,  with the colors you love,  for an outfit I know.  And some people ask me why I don't sell them,  and I say,  you don't have to monetize everything.  Some things you can do just for love/joy.  

So let yourself go wild with a pinterest page of things you are not buying today,  it really does help,  and clients have fed back to me that it did make them feel less deprived and they really didn't need to buy most of it a month or so later.  And let yourself do crafts/ bake/ make - just for the sake of making. Share what you love,  and don't feel guilty if you are not hustling to make it something bigger.  Keeping you creative is big enough! 

Money Secrets

People will happily talk to friends about dating disasters,  sexual disasters,  embarrassing moments and that weird thing that happened when they were in the changing room at Nordstrom.  But what they rarely talk about is money. 

I never knew that there was a special tax exemption on financial gifts to adult children,  so you can give them $18,000 a year,  every year,  without incurring tax implications.   But I certainly learnt about it in New York.  I did know that a lot of my TriBeCa friends and clients were definitely getting help from family,  especially when it came to their or their children's school fees. 

So if you are struggling with money and wondering how your friends are making it better than you,  don't beat yourself up,  just know that they are getting family help.

And I'm not judging or being mean about family money.  A safety net is a glorious thing.  You can make better decisions,  have better choices, and have some breathing space with a good safety net.  It's sometimes, if you don't have that safety net,  you can wonder what it is you are doing wrong.  I'm here to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.  Everyone has their path,  some people have it easier in one respect,  others have it easier in another.  But no one has a completely easy path.  So don't let yourself get overwhelmed by what other people do or do not have (so easy to do in a city like New York.)  And try to see where you have it easy,  so you can have some gratitude around it (a healthy body,  a curious mind,  some grounded friends,  a loving companion - animal or human.)  Everything is easier with genuine gratitude. 

The Overton window

I came across a concept that I had thought about but never had put into words,  and this did it so elegantly.

So here it is for you - the Overton Window.

The Overton window looks at how ideas in society change over time,  from unacceptable to normal to affecting politics and changing laws.   

For example - a clear one is working women.  Of course women have always worked, a small group of women did not work and that is because they were very  wealthy. Most women worked but it was hidden - they would take in washing,  they would grow and sell vegetables,  or sew, or make beer.  They would do all sorts of side businesses, whether they were married or not. But during the World Wars,  while millions of men were deployed,  someone had to  work for the countries to run.  And suddenly there were women,  single and married, no longer working in side or home businesses, but actually in the factory,  in the stores.  And once they were out of the house,  it wasn't long before some were in colleges,  then not just doing 'women's work',  they were lawyers and accountants,  judges and surgeons.  Then all these working women began to change policies,  they now had bank accounts in their own names,  they could create business and serve on boards.  The Overton window had shifted on the issue of women's work,  from unacceptable to radical, then somewhat acceptable in special circumstances and now it's normal, popular and affected lots of policies and laws. 

For the longest time everyone believed in the divine right of Kings.  Kings were appointed and anointed by God.  Watching the coronation of King Charles III, I was struck by how medieval the whole ceremony was.  But then the window started to move,  and now,  very few if any - in the West - believe that Kings are anointed by God and the best and only way to rule a country.  So even though that belief was very strongly held by lots of people for the longest time,  and absolutely affected the law, it is now almost completely out of the Overton window. 

But this idea,  that our opinions can shift and change not only our own individual lives but our cultures as well, that's a very powerful concept.    And the window is moving all the time.  Shifting around sexuality,  around gender,  around education,  around trust in institutions.   And knowing that,  enables us to see the shifts and protect what is important to us.  Things won't stay in the window just because they have been there for some time.   

This is just a really interesting way of looking at how ideas change and shift over time,  and a way of looking at your own personal ideas and seeing where they fit in the window,  and if you care or not.  Some mainstream beliefs,  once challenged,  are easy to let go of.  Others you may find really difficult to let go of.  Just because something is popular,  doesn't mean it will be popular for ever,  doesn't mean it's right.   Just means its the norm for society now.  

I sense that the Overton window is moving very rapidly in the US right now,  and people should be looking at it closely -  what is acceptable now,  that wasn't acceptable even a decade ago. What is done now that wasn't done in the recent past. And what are our opinions on these shifts. 

Best Easter Bonnets

These are all from the New York Times -  New York doing what it does best,  doing something completely over the top and giving us something to smile about... 

Happy Easter,  Hope yours was full of Chocolate and rabbits and good times... 

Trending posts

Every so often I look at my stats and see an old post trending.  A post that was written years ago.  Recently the old post was the 10 of swords. Even though I wrote it in 2010,  for some reason people were looking it up this week. 

The 10 of swords is a very strong card.  You don't need to be a tarot card reader to understand it,  it's one of the more visceral cards. 

However,  no matter the pain or the despair,  where there is life,  there is survival.  And where there is survival,  there is hope. 

We may feel like there are 10 swords in our back,  betrayed and abandoned.  But in the traditional tarot,  a streak of dawn shows.  The worst is over,  now we can recover,  and one day we'll be able to look back and see that we survived. 

Some weeks are harder than others,  and maybe that's why people are drawing and then looking up the 10 of swords.  If this is has been your card this week,  I wish you well.  

If you want to talk about it, please email (tribecatarotreader@gmail.com) ,  whatsap (liatsilberman) or text me, (+61 477 043 555) and we can set up an appointment. 

Sonder, a poem by Danielle Coffyn

I follow Danielle Coffyn on Threads,  and so far I've loved everything she's written. 

Here is a poem of hers about I concept I think about often - Sonder.  Danielle Coffyn describes Sonder as the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.

Sonder

the woman who took your parking spot just lost 

her job & the boy howling because there are no 

more croissants is overwhelmed by the noise

& your colleague is bursting with excitement

because she is expecting but its too soon to tell

& your sister decided now is not a good time to be

a mom & the neighbor who hasn't mowed the lawn

in weeks is struggling to find a reason to get out 

of bed & your mother is celebrating ten years

of quiet sobriety & the man buying whiskey just

put down his dog & your best friends is planning

to propose to the love of her life & you are lost

in your own to-do list but all these lives

are important & brutal & beautiful & true.

Let's just sit with that for a moment.  

Isn't it exquisite...

Niche Interests

So this podcast just covered all my favorite niche interests - Medieval England,  Kings,  Tyrants,  Rule of Law and how to stop tyranny.  (I know,  were you expecting that list from me?)  Most times I just read long fantasy novels to get my fix and a satisfying outcome. (Currently reading the Age of Madness series,  set in universe mirroring revolutionary Europe,  and very much enjoying it!)    

Here Michael Goldfarb  and Dr Helen Castor talk about how Trump is more a bad medieval king than anything else.  

One of the most interesting facts Dr Castor mentioned was that  Richard II was a legitimate king,  heir from a legitimate king,  so overthrowing him without being a treasonous traitor, was very hard.  But when the king broke the rules of inheritance, to steal Henry Bolingbrokes' (his enemy and possible claimant to the throne,) that's when the nobles left him.  After all,  Richard's claim to the throne was also only through inheritance and if he broke those laws,  then how could he keep his claim? 

When Trump breaks the rules that got him into power,  they will come for him,  and he will either break the pattern or be dethroned. 

Fascinating. 

And baby makes three

So many women come to me when they are trying to become pregnant (we all agree, that 'fall' is such a dreadful term when you are doing everything you can and it's just not happening.) 

But many women also come to me once the baby is born,  and nothing is like they expected/ hoped for. 

When we move from a dyad - two people forming a pair bonding - to a triad - three humans forming a bonding,  all sorts of weird and wonderful things can happen. 

Dyads are easier,  because there is only you and one other to take into account.  Threesomes (those kinds as well) are much harder.  If we square 2,  we get 4.  But if we square 3 we get 9.  Many more possibilities.

And if the new human is tiny and demanding and frankly unreasonable,  it can upset the original dyad catastrophically. 

So when you have a baby,  lots of things change.  Not only the obvious,  but also the subtle interactions of the Dyad now rarely exist.  The Triad now dominates even if only 2 of them are in the room.  So the parent with the baby (most often the mother) can get resentful of the missing parent.  And even if both parents are together and the infant is with a trusted sitter,  the existence of the third,  still impacts the pair,  even when not present. 

Sometimes just pointing this out can help.  They can see the triangulations going on,  can catch the dynamics before they start splintering things.  

As always,  a little self awareness can go a long way...