What to do with rage

I did a reading recently for a woman who just had some severe betrayals in her life - her husband slept with her sister.  But she didn't want to talk about him or even her.  She wanted to talk about what to do with her feelings of rage, which feel all consuming to her. 

Of course she is right to be enraged.  Anyone would be in her circumstances.  But it is also right that she sees that being consumed by rage is not helpful to her.  So in the first instance I said she has to stop focusing on them,  and on their actions, and just focus on her,  on what she is going to do.  

But the second thing I said to her was far more helpful (as she said to me.)  I said that anger/rage is just energy and as she knows what caused it,  it's like an alarm shrieking, making her unable to think clearly,  so now it's time to turn off the alarm and deal with the issue.  

But how to do that?  If  anger/rage is energy,  she has to dissipate that energy.  Go to the gym,  do some kickboxing,  do some anger workshops (beating a pillow with a soft bat,  I've run those workshops,  it really does help)  Don't try to calm yourself without letting go of the energy.  Do furious dancing,  leaping,  running.  Let the energy out.  And then,  only then,  can you think of the next steps. 

She said I was the only one who gave her something she can use.   So I'm happy for that.  I told her to come again in 6 months and we'll see what the future will bring.  In the meantime,  we have to deal with the present,  and get that energy out, so she can fight for herself cleanly and sanely.  

Maternal Ambivalence

I went to a talk recently by Dr Margo Lowy,  about her book,  Maternal Ambivalence,  the loving moments and bitter truths of motherhood.  She discussed how mothers are portrayed as endlessly giving and loving,  and any disappointment or rage or ambivalence that she may feel is immediately discounted or judged severely.  

And it got me thinking about ambivalence in general.  We want to be entirely positive or entirely negative about things.  Seeing shades of grey are not often permitted in our culture.  Something is unequivocally good,  or unremittingly bad.  But of course,  life isn't like that at all.  And the closer we are to someone,  the more we depend on them,  the more expectations we have,  the greater the capacity for disappointment and rage.  And if you are raging against a baby,  it's easier to talk yourself down - the vast majority of women are being the best parent they can be,  and though the level of best varies hugely,  very few women are actually careless and evil with their babies (some are,  of course,  but the vast majority are definitely not!)

But with adult relationships,  it's easier to rage,  and harder to talk yourself down.  I'm reading and seeing so much dysfunction in committed relationships lately,  and it's becoming so easy to walk away,  and it worries me.  Any long term married person will tell you there were ebbs and flows in the marriage,  good times,  even great times,  and bad times,  even awful times.  And they worked through it and now the marriage is much more good than bad.  But fewer are working through it, and maybe they shouldn't be worked through, maybe marriages should be allowed to fray.  

But I feel like we are losing something precious,  when we don't let ourselves feel ambivalence, or don't let ourselves know that all relationships,  including parent child relationships,  will have good times and bad,  and that if we work through the difficult,  boring,  enraging times,  we can come to something very good indeed. 

Emotions are Energy

One of my regulars came to me and said since her last breakup (he was unfaithful multiple times,  she caught him by seeing his phone) she's just full of rage and doesn't know what to do about it.  I said that Anger is Energy,  she needs to find a way to dispel it. 

When I'm furious,  yoga doesn't work for me. All that controlled breathing and slow movement just makes me more agitated.  But a good long fast walk,  by the Hudson river, could work wonders. If you are feeling overwhelmed,  you need a way to displace that energy -  I find dancing gives me joy,  so a good zumba class,  can leave me smiling.  

Find some movement you love,  that makes you feel empowered,  then go do that.  I often suggest kick boxing to (younger,  fitter) women.  And I get lots of feedback that it helped.  Get sweaty,  move about,  and then the anger burns itself out.  Then jump to the beat,  give yourself some joy,  and let the happiness come back in.