The problem with praise

I've been writing this blog for a long time now - I started in 2009.  And sometimes I write pieces I just love - like my recent one on the JoHari window,  which was an explanation of how I think the tarot can work  But it didn't get many reads.  And then I can write a more mundane one - like the one about the 7 of pentacles  - and it got three or four times as many hits.  And it's so easy then, to start writing ones that get more hits,  because obviously I want to be read.  But I also want to write things that are different,  that reflect me, that aren't cookie cutter.

And then I wrote a piece thinking about this and it immediately got destroyed as I clicked the wrong button, and deleted rather than saved it. So then I wonder,  what is the universe trying to tell me.  

And I think of the problem with praise,  with hits,  with attention,  is that you start doing more to get that,  whether is it what you want to say at this moment or not,  to get confirmation. 

I read the most beautiful,  sad and awful piece the other day - trigger warning, it involved the accidental death of a pet - and it was so real and true and I want to be that brave.  But you can only have that level of authenticity if you are not thinking about likes.  

It's a conundrum (love that word) 

We all want to be heard,  but we don't just want to say words that please others,  we want to speak about things that matter to us - and still be heard.   And that's something I struggle with, how to balance that.  And I don't think I'm the only one...