Resilience

A lot of people come to me,  because they've had a set back or a loss,  and they find it hard to bounce back.  So I read a lot about resilience,  for them and for myself.  

I read an interesting article in the Washington Post recently that concluded that we need to give children more opportunities for independent,  unsupervised play,  and that is what has been missing these past 30 or so years,  and that contributes to feelings of being overwhelmed or anxious. 

And I agree - independence,  negotiating your place with low stakes outcomes,  living in your own imagination, creative play - all these have been part of the human condition for millennia,  and suddenly,  over one and half generations,  they are if not gone,  they've been minimized. 

But I'm not talking to children,  I'm mainly talking to young adults - people in their 20's and 30's.  How does this help them?

Well,  I guess,  you need to find places where you can be a bit independent,  take some low stakes risks,  allow yourself failure.  Allow yourself to feel bad,  and disorganized and even chaotic,  and then still do the laundry and get to work.  I'm a big believe in functioning - that it leads to more functioning which leads to some better sense of self.  Of course some of us over-function,  but I would give them different advice but the same idea - take some manageable,  low stakes risks and let yourself fail occasionally. 

I say this often - don't let the perfect get in the way of the good.   And now I've added,  don't let the imperfect get in the way of the good either.   Just let yourself see the good around you.  Once you look for it,  you'll see more of it.  And the virtuous circle commences... 

Art by Yvonn Zuback, Saatchi Art

Heavy Heart

I have such a heavy heart.  I was traumatized by the attack on Israel,  it was diabolical and evil.  And now I'm so worried for the poor people in Gaza,  who are caught up between the wrath of Israel and the cruelty of Hamas.  I can feel quite overwhelmed by it all.  Worse,  I feel powerless.  

So I force myself to stop doom scrolling,  and just check in once a day to get facts.  Today I listened to Tibetan singing bowls,  just letting the sounds ring through my body; and tonight we sat and ate ice cream at Maroubra beach,  watching the dusk come in. 

And now,  that self care, just seems worse,  when real horror is continuing to unfold.  But I don't know what else to do.  I hate it when it feels like evil is triumphing - when Russia marched into Ukraine,  when girls can't walk home from parties alone lest they be raped,  when people don't feel safe in their own homes,  with their own families. And the secret is not to look away,  but to look clearly.  And take what steps we can to help.  

Rabbi Tarfon wrote: the day is short, and the work is plentiful, and the laborers are indolent, and the reward is great, and the master of the house (God)  is insistent.  It is not your duty to finish the work, but neither can you avoid it.  (from the Pirkei Avot, the Ethics of our Fathers,  2:16)

I love that sentiment - I don't have to finish the task,  but I can't ignore it either.  I must do what I can to bring light and good into the world.  No more and no less.  I'm not going to bring world peace,  but I can bring some peace to my corner,  and I try very hard to do that.  And small deeds,  done with great love,  well that's all we have,  all we can ask for really.  So I am praying for peace in the middle east,  and working for peace in my neck of the woods and hoping for peace for all who read this.  I hope we find moments of Grace,  and I hope we share them,  and the darkness ebbs... 

 

New Mantra

I was reading somewhere (I flit though so many websites,  I can never recall where I read what)  and the phrase "Love people, use things" caught my eye.

I think we get so out of shape in our Western society,  when we do the opposite - love things and use people.  Using people is terrible,  it belittles them and us.  And when work places and culture treat people as disposable,  as gadgets that can be swapped in and out with no thought or compunction,  that's when we get our societal ills.  And when we add to that,  that so many people love things - clothes, cars,  money,  houses,  more than they love the people in their lives,  that's also when everything can go wrong.

So appreciate the things in your life,  the joy of collecting,  the ease of ownership.  But don't love them.  Love the people and animals you chose to bring into your daily life.  Love people,  use things.  It's a great mantra. 

While I was looking for images for this piece,  I realized that this mantra is a book title - Love People,  Use Things,  by Joshua Fields Millburn and Ryan Nicodemus.  I haven't read the book,  but I love the title!