I have read so many relationship books that I can’t remember where I read this or if it is an amalgamation of many books, but this is one thing I’ve often recommended in the past for couples who came to me for counseling.
Create a list of 8 measureable things that you would like your spouse/partner to do for you. Being kind or listening more doesn’t count, it has to be something concrete and quantifiable – e.g. Empty the dishwasher every day without being asked or thanked - or let’s have a designated night in the week where we go out separately, with our own friends – a clear measurable task or event where everyone can know if it has happened or not.. Women often write about household chores, men often write about sex, but not always…
Then you read each other’s lists and each agree to do 3 things on it. People often find their partner’s list fascinating – so this is what you really want from me, right now…
If you can’t manage that, then the relationship is in a sorry state and you need quick intervention/counseling. But most couples can agree and it’s amazing how quickly they feel better about things, as these needs start to get met in a way they can both recognize.
Of the literally hundreds of relationship books that I’ve read, one that stands out and that I happily recommend is Getting the Love You Want, by Harville Hendrix
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