Teenagers!

Had a few readings recently about teenage angst dominating the household.

I often refer to How to Talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk.  Looking it up now,  I realize it's over 20 years old!  But I've been leafing through it all that time and it has always felt helpful to me.  They have one for teens as well.

A client said she was reading Feeding the Mouth that Bites You,  and I just love that title!  With older teens especially,  it can definitely feel like those snapping jaws may hurt you! They also have a podcast 

I almost forgot one of my favorite books,  which is written for toddlers but actually can help spark some self awareness in teens, and they can talk to each other about it - TA for Tots.  It went out of print for a while and I was clinging to my old tired copy but then it came back and I bought a new one.  I think they also have a TA for kids.  It's easy to read and can give kids things to think about. 

Teens acting out is a long known tradition,  but when it happens in your home,  it can feel both terrifying (real,  horrible life consequences) and isolating.  Try to avoid the perfect life social media and find some real messy life pages,  and you'll see that many people are trying to cope with this.  And read widely.  I always say,  even if you get just one sentence from a book,  that's a good ROI (return on investment)

Dolly

Some people really do shine in this world. 

Imagine you had had real,  unbelievable success in your chosen field.  You have made millions from it,  and had influenced everyone else in your field.  You had won every possible award.  Your voice had been heard by millions.

And when you die,  people barely mention that.  Instead everyone,  regardless of politics or age,  mourns your kindness,  your vivacity,  your heart.  They talk about your charity work,  your clever one liners,  your amazing energy.  

She really lived the truth that people don't always remember what you said,  but they will definitely remember how you made them feel.   She made us feel important,  she made us feel seen. 

Her memory is a blessing and we were blessed to know her. 

Rest in Power.

Kindness

Years ago,  when I was first thinking of getting a tattoo,  I decided that I would get the Jewel quote,  In the end,  only kindness matters.  Because,  actually,  when you get into the depths of it all,  that's what I believe.  It's a choice we make,  as a person,  as a culture.  And we don't hold it to high enough value.  In the end, only kindness matters.  

So much is luck,  and you never know which end of the stick you will be - and as long as the world is kind,  then it really doesn't matter,  you'll survive anyways.  But of course,  the world is not kind.  So we have to remind each other about kindness and it's essential importance.

Then I was clicking around youtube and some woman was reading poetry,  not well.  And I thought,  surely there are better readers out there!  So I randomly typed in Emma Thompson reading poetry,  because I just love her voice.  And I came across this:

And here is more to fundamentally agree with.  Didn't know the poet Naomi Shihab Nye,  but isn't this beautiful.  Let's sit with it for a while,  and breathe better... 

Skinship

I came across the term skinship recently,  and I really love it.  It's a portmanteau word connecting skin and kinship,  ie non sexual touching. Touching for connection or comfort.  Like holding hands or hugging or just sitting very close and feeling the other person beside you - like you would with kin.  

As a culture,  we've become obsessed with sexual touch and are losing other forms of touch.  I often think about men who come on so strong sexually,  wondering if they have just touched someone recently, in a non sexual way,  or if they only way they get connection is through sex,  and how limiting that can be.

Women often easily hug each other,  touch each other for comfort,  hold babies,  hold animals.  We're allowed to and encouraged to,  it's seen as feminine. 

Men are allowed to slap each other on the back, or yell and jump at each other when their team wins,  but aren't encouraged to have quieter skin connections.  

I think if you aren't allowed to touch anyone, you develop a skin hunger. I used to encourage people to go and have massages if they don't get touch from people often,  to just affirm their humanity and feel the comfort of a non sexual touch.   Pets are an amazing resource for this. 

FIRE vs FINE

How we spend our money says so much about us.  Are we generous to ourselves,  stingy to others?  Stingy to ourselves and others?  Buying others attention?  Spending more than we have? There are so many ways to live both within and outside of our means.

I've come across the FIRE system - Financial Independence,  Retire Early - quite a few times in my life.  Some of my clients have been fiercely dedicated to it.  Some have strained their marriages over it.  It's basically living way below your means and squirreling every spare penny away,  till you reach a magic number (different for every person) and then you can stop work and live very frugally on that.  

Conceptually it never worked for me.  I don't want to be that frugal and I didn't want to stop working at 40.  

But now a new acronym has emerged - FINE,  Financial Independence,  New Endeavor.  Which doesn't make you retire once you hit your personal magic number,  but allows/encourages you to shift to a new idea/endeavor.  This seems more appealing,  though you still have to be very frugal to get to your magic number, but once there, you embrace new ideas or doing part time work,  or lower paid but more emotionally satisfying work. 

I do think that for many of us,  living that much below our income implies that there is some fat in our income and that is far from always the case.   And getting your nails done once a month shouldn't be seen as a shameful luxury. 

So as with everything,  I advocate moderation.  Spend moderately,  but also save moderately.  Try to live within your means,  don't get the maximum mortgage,  see if you can find something cheaper a little further out,  give yourself some breathing room.  And take a holiday.  Holidays are joy. And if camping gives you joy,  go camping.  But if going to Paris gives you joy,  don't force yourself to camp and resent your choices. 

Another great tarot deck!

I've seen these cards around and even used a few of them in my blog posts,  but never saw a cohesive view of the deck before. 

It's called The unveiled tarot by Jesse Lonergam.  They are eye catching and so clever and I'm happy to share them here.  

I've said this before but I just love that there are so many new and interesting tarot decks around.  Each deck can give you a thoughtful new insight into familar cards.   I often give my client 'homework' to scour the net and find a version of an important card from the reading,  to keep close to them.  Because there are so many versions out there,  and some will definitely speak more clearly to you than others. 

Is he the one?

Did a reading a while ago for a girl from Brisbane.  She had a significant love affair but it didn't work.  It wasn't her fault, it wasn't his fault, but he had just opened a new business and all his energy was there and the timing was wrong.  I said to her that he was one of 200 men she could possibly meet and marry and maybe it did work in another time line,  but in this time line it didn't and she can't go back,  she needs to move on. She liked the alternate time line option, sometimes you really can see a future with someone but it just doesn't pan out... 

Now she is seeing a man 14 years her senior.  It won't go anywhere,  he's the Emperor, not flexible enough for her,  but the sex is great,  she drew the Queen of Wands.  She laughed and agreed. She's leaving Sydney at the end of the year and she's going to keep on seeing him,  because there's no point trying for something deeper when she knows she's moving.

Sometimes they are not the one,  and both parties know it,  but they are certainly good enough to be the one for right now,  and as long as everyone knows that's the plan (he knows she plans to move to Melbourne for work in 2027) then a very good time can be had in the meantime. 

Grief poems

I've been so sad lately,  and it's hard to know what to do with all that feeling.  I am being good - seeing friends,  going to the gym,  talking to a therapist,  talking to family,  talking to strangers.

And I have good moments,  or even good days.  But then the sadness rushes in again,  like it's apologizing for leaving me for a minute,  and settles in,  and then pulls out again,  like the tide. 

I came across the simple,  beautiful poetry of Sara Rian.  And she makes me weep,  but she's so alive in her depictions of grief.  I cry reading her works,  but I agree with everything she says,  and that helps.

The journey and the destination

I remember talking about this when I was an addiction counsellor.  If you are driving somewhere and miss your turnoff (or turn off too early) you don't go all the way home and start over again.  You get to the next ramp and start from there.  If you fall off your goal,  you're not a zero,  you are at 100 days minus one - you are at 99 days and then start counting.  

It felt much kinder and also truer,  to do that rather than rachet you back to zero.  

And life is so much about the journey,  rather than just reaching an arbitrary destination. So if it took you 370 days to get to a year's sobriety,  then take those extra days,  those wrong turns,  and try not to do that again. But don't put yourself back at day 0.  You are so much further ahead than that! 

Wishing us all well,  on all of our journeys... 

Today's Poem

Today's poem is by Khalil Gibran and a fragment from his longer piece,  On Houses,  in his book,  The Prophet.  

what have you in these houses? 

And what is it you guard with fastened doors?

Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power?

Have you rememberances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind?

Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone to the holy mountain?

Tell me, have you these in your houses?

Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master?

Actions speak louder

I have lots of regular clients.  I've been seeing one woman every year or so,  she comes in July around her birthday.  This reading was her 10th.  So I've seen her through quite a few dates and some longer term boyfriends and now she is living with a man she met two years ago. 

She said I was the first person who told her that "if he wanted to,  he would."  She and her friends would analyze each and every comment a guy made,  and then she met me and in our very first reading,  that's what I said to her, and that's why she's been coming back. 

Cards read energy,  but energy without action is just air.  I really do judge on actions - words are easy,  but actions require thought and commitment.  And desire.  If he wanted to, he would. 

Her current beau shows up, makes plans,  follows through.  He wants to, and he does.  The cards show he's a keeper,  and she's very happy, and I'm happy to be with her during this reading! 

What's the best option

When people come to me with an important choice,  I like to know nothing more than the label - Plan A or Plan B.  That way,  my own biases don't come into play. 

So a woman in her late twenties comes to me with two work opportunities and and I say,  let's shuffle and think about Plan A.

She draws  4 wands / King of Swords / 8 of pentacles. 

And then we look at Plan B

7 pentacles reversed / hanged man / 7 of swords. 

Knowing nothing about either options, it's clear that Plan A is the better option - it's more stable,  it has a smart organized male energy and it gives career vibes.

Plan B was more hanging in the wind and betrayal. 

Turns out Plan A was moving to Canada and take a position there and Plan B involved staying the more familiar New Jersey.  She was scared of the big change of moving countries,  but she too could clearly see it was the better option.  Sometimes fears hold us back,  but with a little reassurance,  we can burst forward. 

Where the spirit meets the bone

I'm not a real swiftie.  I barely know who she dated (yes,  I know she just got married!) and I like her songs,  my car is almost permanently on Taylor Swift Radio,  but I don't know all her lyrics by heart or all her songs.

Then I started listening to the Swiftie and the Scholar,  on youtube.  It's a deep dive (about an hour an episode and each episode covers only one song) on random songs. 

I'm not listening to them in any order,  but I've been watching about one a week.  

Last one was about Ivy,  I song I realized I barely knew.  I had listened to it once or twice on Evermore,  but it hadn't gotten it's hooks on me, though some of the phrases I really liked. 

I had noticed the phrase,  where the spirit meets the bone,  it's so evocative.  And then the poetry professor tells us it's not unique to Taylor,  it comes from this poem:

From The Ways We Touch: Poems. 

Isn't that a beautiful phrase in a beautiful poem? And I love the song so much more now!  I didn't realize the Emily Dickinson connection and was fascinated to learn about it. 

So if you want to do a deep dive,  this is a fun away to while away an hour... 

Dreams

I've lived in London and New York.  Last night I dreamt that I was in midtown,  NYC,  and trying to get back down to Tribeca but I was walking through all these weird neighborhoods and couldn't figure out where I was.  In the dream I realized I was in Bond St and didn't know where that was in relation to Tribeca.  I was becoming increasingly agitated,  and then tried texting my husband to ask him the name of our hotel, so I could give up on walking and just cab there,  and then I remembered he was dead. 

That jolted me so much,  I woke up.  And awake,  I said to myself,  you were in London, silly,  that's why you couldn't find Tribeca.  Then I was asleep again,  and still looking to get to Tribeca while in the middle of London,  and still confused and very upset that my husband couldn't help me anymore.

Then I woke up again,  fully this time.  There's nothing wrong with being in London,  it's a fab city.  But if you are searching for New York landmarks,  you won't find them in London.  Widowhood is so disorienting,  all the familiar landmarks gone,  and the person you used to text for help and advice,  well, you can't reach him anymore.  

I guess I just have to accept that I can't go back to the past,  I have to make my way forward.  But I do so miss him.  I'm grateful that I have someone to miss, that we had such a good life together.  I also feel for dream me, lost in the wrong city,  unable to sort myself out.  Luckily awake me can see things a bit more clearly... 

saw this on line and it made me smile

 

We need more Women In STEM 

Sorcery

Tarot

Energy

Magic

Good fields to be in... 

My current favorite tarot deck

I frequently look at Tarot cards,  to find new variants,  to see if a new image will spark a deeper interpretation. 

And I just came across the marvellously named Fat Folks Tarot.  And it's true that tarot cards rarely have less than perfect figures on them,  unless they are trying to say something specific.  So it's great to see all the cards have these plump interesting figures in them,  and give us fat folk some representation. 

The Deck has a variety of artists who worked on them,  so they can look quite different.  Look them up on Instagram and see some of their variations. 

I particularly liked their version of the 5 of pentacles,  which shows such a beautiful and true way of feeling excluded and out in the cold...