Life is a garden

I hate the garden metaphor!  I don't want life to be a garden.  I wanted life to be a marble statue,  once you had actually finished the difficult and terrible work,  and cleaned up all that dusty mess,  it would stay,  perfect,  in shape and timeless for centuries.  I want a Michelangelo statue of life. 

But life is a garden.  Endlessly growing and changing. You plant something,  it thrives,  you are happy.  You plant exactly the same plant,  in a slightly shadier corner,  and it dies.  You clean it, it's gorgeous.  You go away for a weekend and it's full of debris and two new plants - are they weeds that need to be uprooted or are the new plants that will give joy and beauty? And who decides which?

I hate gardening.  To me it's endless work and repetition.  But I love having friends.  I don't find the tending of friendships endless work.  I don't find our conversations repetition.  So in some cases,  I can garden.  I can even look after my dog,  who is a source of such joy for me.  I don't enjoy the cleaning up after him,  but it's a small price that I am willing to pay. 

So life is a garden (sorry!)  But in this garden, you get to decide what you are going to plant,  which plants matter and how often you need to weed/clean.  While I love an elegant French garden,  I think I'm just going to settle in to my wild English garden and relax... 

Failure to Launch

My latest readings have had the same difficult theme.  Mother's coming to a tarot reading, not to talk about themselves,  but to talk about their anxieties for their young adult children.  Kids either not going to college,  just out of college and not looking for jobs,  or looking furiously for jobs,  but not finding them as their degrees start to get stale. 

It's a crazy market out there right now.  I've talked to people about finding jobs and career paths for over 30 years and this is one of the stickiest, worst markets I've seen.  The combination of AI,  world events and post Covid anxiety,  means that many young adults are failing to launch.  And their worried parents come from such a different vantage point,  that most of their advice is no help at all. 

So we talk about executive skills,  we talk about finding work mentors.  We talk about the unspoken reality that a parents contacts can be one of the biggest levers a new graduate can access.  It's really,  really hard to get a job from the internet.  At the very least,  they need some sort of contact within the company or the field.  And luck.  It's not enough to have a degree right now.  They also need some random luck to get them in the door.  And we all know that luck is fickle and unreliable. 

I will warn them that most advice is outdated right now,  because AI is changing things as we speak,  and anyone who says they are an expert on the job market,  well they may have been an expert last week,  but this week conditions have changed.

I tell people to get their resumes looked at by a specialist,  who can put the right keywords in it.  I will also tell them to get their kids into as many networking events as possible (I know, it's effortless for some people and a horror show for others.)  And I tell the adults to look to their own network,  to see if they can get some help there. 

But just knowing that the difficulties are real,  their young adults are not exaggerating,  it's really weird out there, that can help.  I don't have a quick and easy answer,  but it is a numbers game and you have to keep slogging through,  till you get the response you want.  Also,  the first job may not be a perfect one,  but it's better than no job,  and it gets you into the world of work and from there,  you can keep looking.  

And we look for the Ace of Pentacles,  a yes to work and money,  and hope that it appears!

So one of my clients reached out after I published and recommended this book.  I haven't read it, but she rates it highly - Failure to Launch by Mark McConville   I'm always happy to take recommendations.  I hope this one helps! 

Healthy Habits

All of a sudden,  with no conscious input or decision making,  I am drinking more water.  Of course,  I've known that I,  and probably you too, should drink more water.  And it's not that I disagreed with the science or had a good reason not to.  I just wasn't in the habit of it,  and days could go by and I realized that I really hadn't drunk enough liquids.

And then, one day last week, just before I sat before the computer,  I grabbed a large glass of water.  Now I'm drinking 2 - 3 of those large glasses most days.

And I wonder,  why now?  I know this is good behaviour,  but why couldn't I do it earlier and why am I doing it now?

And sometimes you don't have to over analyse your new,  healthier habits.  Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way,  and don't crush this new pattern.  Now,  every time I go the computer,  I grab a glass of water with me.  Here's hoping to cement a new lifetime habit. 

The Harvard Study of Adult Development

Every so often I do a deep dive on a cultural study/ idea that catches my attention.

Today I'm going to look at Robert Waldinger's work.  It's the longest ever scientific study of happiness, staring in 1938 and is still running today (Waldinger is the 4th and current director of the study!) 

This video is short enough (12 minutes) and describes the studies work. 

I think we all know that fame and money isn't where it's all at,  but this study uses a longitudinal scientific study to confirm what we used to know but are somehow losing that grounded knowledge - that what matters to us, to our health,  to our cognition,  to our own measure of our happiness,  is the quality of our relationships. 

 

I always say that I am a herd animal.  It's not about being extravert or introvert,  but an acknowledgement that people and my relationships to them are inherently important to me.  

I often write about friendship but I think I need to focus on loneliness a bit more.  To be in a high conflict primary relationship - either at home or at work,  takes a long term toll on your health and cognition. 

Spending time on quality relationships or time making close relationships better,  helps you feel good, both in the present and in the long term. They are definitely worth investing in and pay off better than fame or extreme wealth! 

Which job to take?

A woman came to me,  she's just turned 32 and hasn't found her career stride yet.  She gets jobs but they aren't growth paths and a few years later she moves on to a new one,  but it's always at the same level and she feels herself stagnating. 

Then a friend of the family offers her a job.  She draws

5 swords Reversed / Ace of Swords Reversed / 10 of wands

She wants this to work,  because it's a real offer but the cards don't like it at all.  There's something unclear about his offer,  a sense of betrayal.  It doesn't cut through the confusion and she ends up more burdened than she was before.

Interestingly this news energizes her.  I knew it! she said.  Her grandmother is pressing her to take the job but her intuition is screaming otherwise. 

She has another job,  but he's new in town,  no one really knows much about his company which is from the midwest, but they are opening a branch in her east coast town. 

She draws

star / knight of swords / 4 of wands

She can get what she wishes for here,  she has to ride out,  take ownership,  and if she is trodden on, she will have to defend herself clearly and cleanly.  But if she does so,  she gets to stability,  she is a place she can stay and grow. 

She's really happy now.  She wanted this job but couldn't face standing up to her family without any real assurances.  But the cards show her that it's a post worth fighting for. 

She takes the second job.  When I see her recently,  nearly five years later,  she's still there, now in a management position.   (She came to ask about having children,  another matter about which the cards can be very accurate...)

My current favorite

I put poems and songs up all the time.  But everytime I see this image,  it just clarifies everything so well for me,  so I thought I would share it with you... 

Sometimes equality doesn't help at all,  or helps the already tall get taller but doesn't help you,  the smaller one.

And equity can feel unfair - why don't I get a box when that shrimp gets two,  but you can so easily see what's going when you look at it through this lens.

And finally,  why was there a fence there in the first place?  To protect the audience? to protect the game providers?  to keep people out?  Always good questions to ask... 

More thoughts on questions about love

Sometimes you don't need to be a tarot reader to understand the cards!  

A woman in her late 60's came to ask me about her lover/friend of several years, and whether he should move into her apartment.  She drew

10 swords / 9 swords / 8 swords.

And we just looked at each other. 

It's really not good and not going to get better,  I said.  The only good news is,  that you are not as trapped as you feel and you can get out of this situation. 

He was making her feel very guilty about not moving in together,  as his health deteriorated.  But that is exactly what she was afraid of.   They had never lived together,  more his choice than hers,  but now that he was frailer he wanted to move into her apartment.  Her adult children were vehemently against it and when she looked at the cards,  she could see that she didn't want it either. 

I hope she listened to her intuition and the cards and didn't let these swords continue to dominate. 

When you ask about love

Really,  asking about love is one of the most common questions I get,  and the cards are so accurate when it comes to feelings.   

I did a reading a while ago (I never give real times or names,  to protect your privacy,  but I do give the real cards)  and the woman drew -  

Wheel of Fortune / Queen of Cups / 6 of Swords / Ace of Cups

So there's a journey here.  She's spinning right now,  the wheel is moving,  it could stop anywhere,  but at least it's change.  She's not stagnating.  There is a warning about the Queen of Cups,  who can sometimes get lost in her own dreams/ desires and not look around clearly enough.  And then there is the sadness of the 6 of swords,  a moving on with sorrow.  No one wants these cards! But all this difficulty leads to the Ace of Cups,  the card she really does want,  a yes to love,  a yes to emotional intimacy. 

So the message for her was,  she needs to go on this journey,  she needs to let go of some of her dreams/ fantasies,  she needs to let go of her past relationship and really let herself move on.  I tell people that the 6 of swords is a moving on with sorrow,  but at least it's not being stuck with sorrow!  And then,  and only then,  once this hard work is done,  does she get what she really wants. 

People sometimes get upset with this kind of news - they want what they want,  but they don't want to do the hard work to get it.  And then it won't happen.  The cards and karma are relentless like that.  And she looked into my kind tired eyes and saw that there was no escaping the work of letting go of the Queen of Cups and the 6 of swords,  but it would be worth it.  And she sighed and agreed.  

(These disney tarot cards are cute,  but I wouldn't read with them,  they didn't feel serious/nuanced enough.  Though I did like Ariel as Queen of Cups,  a girl willing to give up her voice in order to get her legs,  is a girl who needs to look at the costs of her dreams!)  

Happy Mother's Day

This can be a wonderful, celebratory day,  or it can be something far more complicated. 

One mother of adult children came to me to tell me how distressed she was because her adult children have planned nothing special for her this weekend.  Another adult woman told me she hated this day since her mother had passed six years ago and her remarried father wanted her to celebrate it with his new wife. 

Like Christmas,  like Thanksgiving,  complicated family dynamics can make for a complicated festival.  If you are not getting what you want from the day,  try to sort out for yourself what it is that you need,  what can you do that will make it better for you.  Perhaps coordinate a hotel brunch with your adult children, perhaps tell your father that are busy today but will see them next weekend.  Perhaps go out with your childfree friends,  perhaps acknowledge that your adult children are celebrating with their children and this is a more young child's festival.  

But absolutely do something that gives you joy today. 

Small Triumphs

Some days are difficult,  some weeks are full of tasks that you don't want to do.  It can feel overwhelming.  The 8 of swords dominating. 

I really do feel that when these times happen,  lists are such a friend!  I write lists just for the joy of crossing things out.  I write lists so I have things timed and dated as to when I did something,  so if  need be I can look back and see how and when things were done.  I write lists because the edges of the notepad contain the anxiety I have,  and make it manageable.  Yes,  there might be 20 awful things on the list,  but if I do one a day,  then in 3 weeks,  it's done! 

For a minute there I felt like I was living in the world of "there's a hole in my bucket" (that reference was old in my childhood, I know!!  Also talk about weaponized incompetence, that song is dreadful!)  But slowly I got all my papers and everything I needed,  and now my tasks,  while annoying,  are doable.

So that's what I tell my clients when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Shrink each task into small manageable bites,  don't overcommit,  do a small bit every day,  and set yourself up to succeed - don't try to do C when you know you need A or B completed first.  Break it down so you know what you need and start with the simplest things and build upwards.  

Today I closed a foreign credit card,  I had all the paperwork in order,  I stayed on hold for 45 minutes,  and then,  voila,  it was done!  Small triumph but sweet indeed!  Use that Queen of Swords energy, and get things done! 

The Vampire Problem

Every so often I come across a new to me idea or approach,  and I  write about here a) so I don't forget it and b) when I inevitably mention it in a future reading,  I  have a good link to share. 

L.A Paul is a philosopher and she became famous writing about transformative experiences,  with having a child as a key example.   The you that you may become post child is unknown and unknowable to the you that is thinking about whether or not to have a child. The act of having a child is so transformative that the you that decided to have a child just could not formulate how much this would affect you and what it would do to your life. Even if you thought about it very carefully and rationally,  the unknowns are too unknowable in each particular instance,  that on some level,   you operate without truly knowing how this will impact you.

And the example she came up was the Vampire Problem.  Let's say you are debating whether to become a vampire.  You won't really ever know what it's like to be a vampire until after the event.  So all your foreknowledge or research is not really useful,  because the being that you are after the transformation may be so different to the one who made the decision and that being may have completely different values/agendas - because of the transformation that the old you decided!

What makes a transformative experience?

1.  The choice is irreversible - in the case of having a child,  it's probably one of the few one way doors in life (Love that phrase,  it comes from Sebasatiano Merlino on threads. )

2. There is an experience gap: It is impossible for you to know how the experience will impact you until you go through it.

3. It is transformative:  the you that is deciding is not the same you that will deal with the decision.

I like this.  It's just a way of look at transformative experiences and giving us some idea of how to think about them. 

I think I'm drawn to this right now because I am going through a transformative experience of my own - from wife of 38 years to widow,  and it soothes me on some level to know that it doesn't matter what I try to control now,  the me I'll be down the track may be so different,  that these decisions may have completely different resonances.  And that helps me to let go of anxiety.  I can't control for it,  I'm in the midst of it,  it is happening no matter what. 

quote of the day

I know the world is going crazy,  and so is my life. So to ground myself and keep my sanity,  I'm focusing on small,  clean moments.  

Here's Monica Barbaro's quote from Porter Magazine

“I want to stay hungry, but not in a way where I’m always chasing something I can’t quite grasp, telling myself my life will be better once I have ‘that thing’.”

It's so important to not be complacent but also let yourself be fulfilled.  Hard balance to strike.  To help,  I focus on the tarot card Temperance 

How to keep House While Drowning

A client came to me and talked about how ashamed she feels about the state of her apartment.  And I was so pleased to be able to give her this excellent line - "shame is the enemy of functioning" which comes from the very kind and gentle book,  How to Keep House While Drowning, by KC Davis

We often moralize over things that overwhelm us - so not sticking to a diet,  not keeping a spotless home,  not going to the gym - these aren't matters of life choice and scheduling, but instead feel like moral failures of the worst kind. 

So I'm here to tell you that you are not an immoral person for not doing these things. But if there are things you really want to do,  and you are not doing them,  then perhaps instead of judging and being mean to yourself,  you look for support.  And yes,  sometimes support looks like going to a tarot reader.  And often support looks like taking a helpful book out of the library.  And then scaffolding yourself (great phrase learnt from my son's preschool!) to help support this new habit you want to establish. 

So read this book - or any other that takes your fancy.  Grab the one or two sentences that help you,  and let yourself do a small helpful thing once a day,  until the mountain shrinks back to a molehill,  and it all feels more manageable. 

Revisiting Anxiety

I have written about anxiety before,  but we are living in anxious, 9 of swords times  and could do with some reassurance. 

One of my main defences against anxiety is to name it outloud to myself - I am feeling anxious and I need to do something about it.  So what do I do?  There are many studies that show that going into nature - walks,  swimming,  gardens - can definitely help.  Putting your feet into sand or grass,  into the water's edge or earth,  that can help ground you. 

But sometimes nature is far away,  and sometimes getting dressed to go out into nature feels a bridge too far.  

I have found guided visualisations enormously helpful.  I've been recommending Belleruth Naparstek for years! And I'm still happy to recommend her. 

But lately I've been listening to Kenneth Soares,  who I found on Apple. I mentioned to him to a client recently and she excitedly said she listens to him too.  We both discussed how we can't place his accent (he's definitely not Australian,  as some have suggested!)  I said how I found his comments that I don't have to relax at this moment,  just gave me permission to relax;  whereas others telling me to take a deep breath and commanding me to relax just made me more tense! (I'm so contrary,  I know.)

I always stress to people that I find the ideas of guided meditations very helpful,  but many individual speakers don't work for me at all. If you don't like these recommendations,  don't feel bad.  There is a whole world of guided meditations out there.  Find one that you do like,  and that should help soothe you.