I've lived in London and New York. Last night I dreamt that I was in midtown, NYC, and trying to get back down to Tribeca but I was walking through all these weird neighborhoods and couldn't figure out where I was. In the dream I realized I was in Bond St and didn't know where that was in relation to Tribeca. I was becoming increasingly agitated, and then tried texting my husband to ask him the name of our hotel, so I could give up on walking and just cab there, and then I remembered he was dead.
That jolted me so much, I woke up. And awake, I said to myself, you were in London, silly, that's why you couldn't find Tribeca. Then I was asleep again, and still looking to get to Tribeca while in the middle of London, and still confused and very upset that my husband couldn't help me anymore.
Then I woke up again, fully this time. There's nothing wrong with being in London, it's a fab city. But if you are searching for New York landmarks, you won't find them in London. Widowhood is so disorienting, all the familiar landmarks gone, and the person you used to text for help and advice, well, you can't reach him anymore.
I guess I just have to accept that I can't go back to the past, I have to make my way forward. But I do so miss him. I'm grateful that I have someone to miss, that we had such a good life together. I also feel for dream me, lost in the wrong city, unable to sort myself out. Luckily awake me can see things a bit more clearly...
