All too real

My husband has been ill for many years now.  It was a slow progressive illness which kept branching off into new and terrible complications.

He died last Wednesday,  April 1st,  Erev Seder in the Jewish Calendar.

I veer between calm and sadness,  between acceptance and grief. 

Or all at the same time,  sadly calm,  acceptingly grief struck.  I cry a lot and then just as suddenly stop,  like a tap that doesn't know whether it's off or on. 

Just want the universe to know,  what a magical man he was,  and how sorry we all are to lose him.  He was much loved. 

His memory is a blessing for us.

Current favorite poem

I revisit this poem from time to time.  The first time I read it,  I was still menstruating and I kind of smiled at it.  But having reached menopause some years ago,  this poem grows stronger for me each passing year.   I think this is why we need poets to write about our own experiences.  Otherwise we just miss their amazing perspective and reframing of our lives... 

To my Last Period

by Lucille Clifton

well girl, goodbye,

after thirty-eight years

thirty-eight years and you

never arrived

splendid in your red dress

without trouble for me

somewhere, somehow

now it is done

and i feel just like

the grandmothers who, after the hussy has gone,

sit holding her photograph and sighing,

wasn't she beautiful?

wasn't she beautiful?

Adulting

Things just go in waves around me. I read something online and the next day someone talks about exactly the same thing in a reading. 

So this weeks theme is Adulting.  Who's good at it,  who isn't,  what does it even mean?

Online a person was upset that all their friends appeared to be moving forward career wise,  while they weren't.  During the reading my client didn't get into the MA course she really wanted,  while her friend got into hers.  

And I said that the old saying - Comparison is the thief of joy - is just so true!  Of course we don't know what else is going on in the other person's life,  but I like to mention Bob Fosse, who after winning both an Oscar (for Cabaret) and a Tony (for Pippin) in the same year (!) had a small nervous breakdown afterwards,  because who could ever follow that up again?  

So try not to let your own or other people's successes overwhelm you.  Try to  find joy in the small moments and let yourself breathe.  It's tough out there and contentment is a real gift you can give yourself. 

Self Help books (or videos)

I often encourage my readers to get self help books.  For a minimal cost, if you get just one sentence out of it,  it's a fabulous payoff. 

I watched a video (of course it's about Heated Rivalry,  but the topic is much broader than that) about facing your worst fears.

And the one sentence I took away is Self judgement doesn’t debate, it stamps a verdict.

And that is so true. I meet people for tarot readings and their self judgement so often puts them in a corner that they can't seem to find way out. And the cards are often so clear for them. And kinder to them than they are to themselves.

Self judgement feels like facts, like reality. If you can give yourself a bit of space from these core self judgements (eg I'm a loser, I always pick the wrong guys, I'm bad with money) you can start to see that they are not reality, and you can shift them. Hard work but so worth it!

Current favorite poem

 

Isn't that just perfect?  Poetry,  like a great song,  can just lift me to a different place.   By the wonderful Wendy Cope

Going in the wrong direction?

I had a conversation with a client the other day and it reminded me of an old post I had written some years ago.  I looked up that post,  The Universe Hates Me, and it was from 2012,  so I think I can repeat it now!

Sometimes we are really struggling to find something - a new job,  a new friendship,  a new anything,  and it feels like all the winds of chance are blowing against us.  It's uphill and difficult and successes are few and far between.  A real 10 of wands feeling. 

So one question we have to ask ourselves  is - are we walking in the right direction?  My 2012 article was about work - he hated work,  and it hated him back.  To me,  it was clear that he was in the wrong job,  and it was time to move on. 

With love,  sometimes people want an idealized figure to give them status,  or to make them feel better about themselves or fill something up inside them.  They are looking for something a loving relationship really isn't meant to give,  and so they can't find it.  All those young men who want a gorgeous,  submissive perfect woman,  without thinking about what a real relationship looks like,  well they don't find it.  And that's because they are looking in the wrong direction. 

Life,  fate,  karma,  whatever you call it,  has very strong lessons for us.  And if we don't listen the first time,  it comes back with reinforcements!  So if the wind is blowing really strongly against us,  is the wind wrong or maybe we should turn around and let the wind give us momentum. 

Want a cookie energy

Recently a client used a phrase I hadn't heard before and I just thought it was perfect.  She was complaining about her husband and said he just has this 'want a cookie' energy.  She caught my puzzled look and said,  every time he does anything,  just normal adult stuff,  like unload the dishwasher or move clothes into the dryer,  he acts like he should get a cookie/reward for it.  (paraphrasing,  but that's the gist of it)  She's tired of him wanting praise and cookies for just doing basic stuff,  while not giving the same back to her. 

That was a really good observation and one hard that's hard to fight. It's hard when things feel unbalanced.  Her 2 of cups was reversed  and the 5 of swords was hovering.  We had a serious talk and I recommended counselling. These feelings can so easily lead to contempt,  and contempt is the marriage killer. 

But I loved the phrase.