The Harvard Study of Adult Development

Every so often I do a deep dive on a cultural study/ idea that catches my attention.

Today I'm going to look at Robert Waldinger's work.  It's the longest ever scientific study of happiness, staring in 1938 and is still running today (Waldinger is the 4th and current director of the study!) 

This video is short enough (12 minutes) and describes the studies work. 

I think we all know that fame and money isn't where it's all at,  but this study uses a longitudinal scientific study to confirm what we used to know but are somehow losing that grounded knowledge - that what matters to us, to our health,  to our cognition,  to our own measure of our happiness,  is the quality of our relationships. 

 

I always say that I am a herd animal.  It's not about being extravert or introvert,  but an acknowledgement that people and my relationships to them are inherently important to me.  

I often write about friendship but I think I need to focus on loneliness a bit more.  To be in a high conflict primary relationship - either at home or at work,  takes a long term toll on your health and cognition. 

Spending time on quality relationships or time making close relationships better,  helps you feel good, both in the present and in the long term. They are definitely worth investing in and pay off better than fame or extreme wealth! 

Which job to take?

A woman came to me,  she's just turned 32 and hasn't found her career stride yet.  She gets jobs but they aren't growth paths and a few years later she moves on to a new one,  but it's always at the same level and she feels herself stagnating. 

Then a friend of the family offers her a job.  She draws

5 swords Reversed / Ace of Swords Reversed / 10 of wands

She wants this to work,  because it's a real offer but the cards don't like it at all.  There's something unclear about his offer,  a sense of betrayal.  It doesn't cut through the confusion and she ends up more burdened than she was before.

Interestingly this news energizes her.  I knew it! she said.  Her grandmother is pressing her to take the job but her intuition is screaming otherwise. 

She has another job,  but he's new in town,  no one really knows much about his company which is from the midwest, but they are opening a branch in her east coast town. 

She draws

star / knight of swords / 4 of wands

She can get what she wishes for here,  she has to ride out,  take ownership,  and if she is trodden on, she will have to defend herself clearly and cleanly.  But if she does so,  she gets to stability,  she is a place she can stay and grow. 

She's really happy now.  She wanted this job but couldn't face standing up to her family without any real assurances.  But the cards show her that it's a post worth fighting for. 

She takes the second job.  When I see her recently,  nearly five years later,  she's still there, now in a management position.   (She came to ask about having children,  another matter about which the cards can be very accurate...)

My current favorite

I put poems and songs up all the time.  But everytime I see this image,  it just clarifies everything so well for me,  so I thought I would share it with you... 

Sometimes equality doesn't help at all,  or helps the already tall get taller but doesn't help you,  the smaller one.

And equity can feel unfair - why don't I get a box when that shrimp gets two,  but you can so easily see what's going when you look at it through this lens.

And finally,  why was there a fence there in the first place?  To protect the audience? to protect the game providers?  to keep people out?  Always good questions to ask... 

More thoughts on questions about love

Sometimes you don't need to be a tarot reader to understand the cards!  

A woman in her late 60's came to ask me about her lover/friend of several years, and whether he should move into her apartment.  She drew

10 swords / 9 swords / 8 swords.

And we just looked at each other. 

It's really not good and not going to get better,  I said.  The only good news is,  that you are not as trapped as you feel and you can get out of this situation. 

He was making her feel very guilty about not moving in together,  as his health deteriorated.  But that is exactly what she was afraid of.   They had never lived together,  more his choice than hers,  but now that he was frailer he wanted to move into her apartment.  Her adult children were vehemently against it and when she looked at the cards,  she could see that she didn't want it either. 

I hope she listened to her intuition and the cards and didn't let these swords continue to dominate. 

When you ask about love

Really,  asking about love is one of the most common questions I get,  and the cards are so accurate when it comes to feelings.   

I did a reading a while ago (I never give real times or names,  to protect your privacy,  but I do give the real cards)  and the woman drew -  

Wheel of Fortune / Queen of Cups / 6 of Swords / Ace of Cups

So there's a journey here.  She's spinning right now,  the wheel is moving,  it could stop anywhere,  but at least it's change.  She's not stagnating.  There is a warning about the Queen of Cups,  who can sometimes get lost in her own dreams/ desires and not look around clearly enough.  And then there is the sadness of the 6 of swords,  a moving on with sorrow.  No one wants these cards! But all this difficulty leads to the Ace of Cups,  the card she really does want,  a yes to love,  a yes to emotional intimacy. 

So the message for her was,  she needs to go on this journey,  she needs to let go of some of her dreams/ fantasies,  she needs to let go of her past relationship and really let herself move on.  I tell people that the 6 of swords is a moving on with sorrow,  but at least it's not being stuck with sorrow!  And then,  and only then,  once this hard work is done,  does she get what she really wants. 

People sometimes get upset with this kind of news - they want what they want,  but they don't want to do the hard work to get it.  And then it won't happen.  The cards and karma are relentless like that.  And she looked into my kind tired eyes and saw that there was no escaping the work of letting go of the Queen of Cups and the 6 of swords,  but it would be worth it.  And she sighed and agreed.  

(These disney tarot cards are cute,  but I wouldn't read with them,  they didn't feel serious/nuanced enough.  Though I did like Ariel as Queen of Cups,  a girl willing to give up her voice in order to get her legs,  is a girl who needs to look at the costs of her dreams!)  

Happy Mother's Day

This can be a wonderful, celebratory day,  or it can be something far more complicated. 

One mother of adult children came to me to tell me how distressed she was because her adult children have planned nothing special for her this weekend.  Another adult woman told me she hated this day since her mother had passed six years ago and her remarried father wanted her to celebrate it with his new wife. 

Like Christmas,  like Thanksgiving,  complicated family dynamics can make for a complicated festival.  If you are not getting what you want from the day,  try to sort out for yourself what it is that you need,  what can you do that will make it better for you.  Perhaps coordinate a hotel brunch with your adult children, perhaps tell your father that are busy today but will see them next weekend.  Perhaps go out with your childfree friends,  perhaps acknowledge that your adult children are celebrating with their children and this is a more young child's festival.  

But absolutely do something that gives you joy today. 

Small Triumphs

Some days are difficult,  some weeks are full of tasks that you don't want to do.  It can feel overwhelming.  The 8 of swords dominating. 

I really do feel that when these times happen,  lists are such a friend!  I write lists just for the joy of crossing things out.  I write lists so I have things timed and dated as to when I did something,  so if  need be I can look back and see how and when things were done.  I write lists because the edges of the notepad contain the anxiety I have,  and make it manageable.  Yes,  there might be 20 awful things on the list,  but if I do one a day,  then in 3 weeks,  it's done! 

For a minute there I felt like I was living in the world of "there's a hole in my bucket" (that reference was old in my childhood, I know!!  Also talk about weaponized incompetence, that song is dreadful!)  But slowly I got all my papers and everything I needed,  and now my tasks,  while annoying,  are doable.

So that's what I tell my clients when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Shrink each task into small manageable bites,  don't overcommit,  do a small bit every day,  and set yourself up to succeed - don't try to do C when you know you need A or B completed first.  Break it down so you know what you need and start with the simplest things and build upwards.  

Today I closed a foreign credit card,  I had all the paperwork in order,  I stayed on hold for 45 minutes,  and then,  voila,  it was done!  Small triumph but sweet indeed!  Use that Queen of Swords energy, and get things done!