what do you really want...

I was talking to a client who is facing several life changes,  getting divorced,  finding a new place to live,  figuring out a lot of new stuff.  She said she went to her realtor and he was asking her what she wants,  and she told me that she couldn't actually answer him.  All her set answers were from the 'old' her - the married her,  the one who had to take her husband's views into consideration. When asked what she personally wanted,  her mind went blank. 

I smiled and said it was great she figured this out before buying a new place!  Now that she doesn't have to consider her previous restrictions,  let's look at what is important to her.

Sometimes you are so used to doing things one way,  it comes as a shock when you realize you can do it another way...  the old way no longer dominates and now you really have to think,  what if I have only myself to please,  what do I want then?  

She drew the Fool card,  not meaning she is being foolish,  but rather that she is starting on a new journey,  and she needs to walk out and see what happens... It's a great card for new beginnings. 

Temperance Reversed

My husband died in April and since then I have had my first at fault car accident in 30 years,  I spilt water on my computer and broke it, and I've knocked over more full cups of tea / water in the last six months than in the 10 years before.

Thinking about it,  my sense of balance is definitely off.  I draw Temperance reversed.  Things are not in the flow.  Emotions are spilling out,  the cups overflows but not in joy,  just in mess. And when I look at the card,  it's so obvious. Why would I be in the flow when such a jarring, life altering event has occurred?  Instead of wondering why I'm unbalanced,  I should be pleased that I am functioning at all!

And there is much to be grateful for,  but I do feel like I lost a limb,  and of course,  it will take a long time to restore balance.  But I always feel stronger when I've visualized the problem in a way that feels meaningful to me. 

So,  as I often say to my clients,  my homework tonight is to scour the net and find a version of Temperance that really speaks to me,  and meditate on if for the next week,  and see if that helps restore some balance. 

I like how I travel all around the net till I find one where we are making a fresh cup of tea,  and I let myself feel grounded in that. 

Life after 65

I don't get many people over 65 come in for tarot readings.  By then, most of the pressing questions have been answered.  Sometimes they come with concerns over their adult children or when the grandchildren will arrive,  but the most common issue that drives long term married couples to tarot readings is what to do with retirement. 

I meet so many women who come in and say,  I married him for better or worse but not for lunch,  and if I have to go on one more cruise with him,  I'll just leave him altogether! 

So when I read this online,  I immediately thought of them. 

One wise man was saying how he copes with retirement and he says he has 3 days,  which they rotate through the weeks.

One day is together - they do chores,  they go shopping, they have lunch together.  

Second day is apart.  They both leave the house and do their own thing,  golf,  friends,  family,  and the come home in the evening and have new things to talk about.

Third day is no plans.  They hang around the house, not necessarily in the same room,  until one of them is bored and finds a solution. But it gives them slow, sunshiny days as well.

I liked this advice.  Too much togetherness is awful. And him asking what's for lunch/dinner every morning is exhausting. 

This gives them some structure and some loose time and some time apart,  which is what most couples really want.  

Stress and Rest Cycles

As a society,  the US is great at optimising stress,  but terrible at allowing for rest.  

Yes,  revving yourself to get up and go can lead to achievement.  But not giving yourself downtime to recover,  can lead to burnout. 

Stress and Rest is a term that health advocates use often.  You want to stress your body (exercise) or stress your mind (challenging work)  but our rest options are often not really rest - we drink and smoke,  to relax,  but they are not true relaxants.  Or we pride ourselves on only needing 6 hours sleep,  never really giving our bodies a chance for true rest/recovery. 

If you are tired/exhausted but unable to sleep,  if you feel jittery and distracted,  it means that you are not getting enough rest.  I don't say that to stress you out more! But to give you some focus.  Don't reach for more stress,  instead start focusing on what rest works for you.  For some it's walks in the park,  or listening to an audio book,  journaling or laughing with friends. 

Whatever works for you, prioritize it more and your rest cycles will become more nourishing. 

Daylight Savings

I was going to write up my  thoughts on daylight savings but then came across this video,  and she articulates my thoughts so well,  I thought,  let's just share her piece! 

I didn't realize that only 1/3 of the world does daylight savings.  It really is such an odd custom.  And it's more recent than I thought,  only really established during World War I.  

I love Hannah Fry and am always happy to find a good video of hers!   

Every child is different

One of my favorite moments of being a mom in Tribeca was sitting in Washington Market park of an afternoon and bumping into other moms and having true and real chats with them.  One mother frankly told me that if her 4th child had been her first child,  she would not have had 3 more kids.  She thought she was a great mother,  and it turns out she had easy kids,  because when she got her tricky one,  she didn't feel so great at all! 

And I often get new moms coming to me,  full of anxiety for this new precious soul and fears that they will somehow destroy them.  So they read every book that comes out and some really work for them but some really don't.  And I say,  it's because every child is different.  Some will respond super well to gentle parenting and some will become fascist dictators under the same regime.  Some kids just jump into empathy and appeals to empathy really work with them, and some kids really don't care that yanking the toy away from their friend made that friend cry. 

So it's not that the advice is necessarily bad, it's just that it worked on many kids but is not working on yours.  Or that it worked on your eldest kid but really isn't working on your youngest.  Well, the environment is so different now - you were dealing with a single child,  now you are dealing with the third child.  There are many reasons why things that did work,  don't  now. 

So we calm down and stop blaming ourselves,  stop blaming the kids,  and look for new books,  new ideas,  new tools.  What we just need to remember is that most of us really love our kids and want the best for them.  

New (to me) words

Around 2 years ago I started adding something new to my blog.  Not only thoughts about tarot,  but also thoughts about new (to me) ideas.  I made it a New Years resolution to read something new and perhaps unusual every month,  and then write it up, so we could share these ideas and new (to me) knowledge.  I've written about a variety of things - the Ruby Payne Chart, the Dunning-Kruger effect, Just in time vs Just in case - as well as others. I've enjoyed doing this and am continuing my learning journey. 

So todays thoughts are about the concepts telic and atelic. 

Telic activity is goal oriented,  atelic activity is for the moment,  with no goal necessary (also,  weirdly can mean revolting and disgusting - so activity with no goal becomes repulsive.  How's that for a twist!)  I walk to increase my step count (telic) I walk to wander in the woods (atelic).  My goal is to read 2 books a month (telic).  I just like to read  (atelic) 

If we become too goal oriented,  we lose sight of just being in the moment.  If we read 2 books but didn't like either of them,  what have we accomplished?  If we read one book over 2 months,  but we just love it,  is that enough?

Philosopher Kieran Setiya writes about the problem with telic activity,  especially as it pertains to aging. If you 'fail' at the goal (your walking/counting of steps didn't lead to weight loss) then the entire activity is a failure.  You have no satisfaction from the action,  only from the outcome.  Whereas atelic activities have no goal,  it's impossible to fail at them,  and you are doing them for the here and now.  I like walking,  I am walking,  walking is a pleasure for me.  No pressure and no purpose.   

It's akin to my problem with monetizing all our hobbies.  If you do something with no financial outcome - quilt,  make jewelry, write fanfic - people quite often will tell you you are wasting your time and should be out selling/marketing/promoting it to get ahead.  But all this goal oriented purpose driven activity can be crushing.  Let's just sit for a minute,  watch the birds,  see the fire crackle, walk the dog,  and let ourselves return to our bodies and get some peace.