The Tyranny of Small Decisions

Saw an interesting video about the Tyranny of Small Decisions.  It was originally posited by an economist,  Alfred E Khan. 

It's how small and seemingly inconsequential decisions can have huge or unintended outcomes.  The example given was how you might just pop into Starbucks one day and buy a coffee,  and then everyone around you is doing the same,  and then you are all sad that the charming local indie coffee shop has closed.  It was not your intention, but the ease of Starbucks lured you in,  and then your small inconsequential decision had an outcome you neither wanted or expected. 

It speaks to me,  because I have so many clients who come to me to talk about relationships that are failing,  where neither party wants it to fail,  but the tyranny of small decisions makes them both feel unheard and unloved.  It is possible to turn this around,  but it takes consciousness and purposefulness.  

Lots of women complain that he doesn't make enough effort.  And if you said to him,  every argument about chores is actually diminishing your relationship,  do you want that,  they would often say no.  But the tyranny of small decisions builds over time,  and then it seems,  the decision is made,  and it may not be the outcome either party wanted... 

Since I came across this I have referenced it three times already!  It's a really useful idea and explains a complicated notion really clearly. 

The Zeigarnik Effect

I was doing my monthly reading of a new and interesting way of looking at the world,  and came across the Zeigarnik Effect.  

It's basically about how unfinished tasks keep looping on,  in the back of your mind, and that can make your mind feel cluttered and unable to let go of these unfinished tasks,  whose lack of completion (as opposed to their factual importance) takes up memory and energy in your brain.  

Once you complete something,  your brain can let go of the details and let go of the loop.   So it's not how important the task is,  but how many 'tabs' you have open in your brain. 

This really goes to my list philosophy.  If I have a list,  the page contains the task,  it makes it less overwhelming.  A good list will put things in order - first do a) then b) and now c) is possible.  It gives me some structure and I don't need as much brain energy reminding me,  it's there in the list.  And then,  most importantly,  I tackle the list. 

Completing even small jobs releases memory and bandwidth,  which allows you to move on to the next task cleanly.  If you never complete anything then your brain just keeps looping back,  increasing your anxiety and lessening your bandwidth. 

So don't start doing 15 different things.  Write them down and do them one at a time,  to completion,  and you will feel calmer and more contained. 

Today's anecdote

I always love a Kurt Vonnegut story and he had so many of them!  This one comes from his 2005 essay and poetry collection A Man Without a Country and was shared during an interview with David Brancaccio on PBS's Now with Bill Moyers.

"I once told my wife I was going out to buy an envelope: 'Oh,' she said, 'well, you’re not a poor man…why don’t you go online and buy a hundred envelopes and put them in the closet?' 

And so I pretended not to hear her and went out to get an envelope because I have a hell of a good time in the process of buying one envelope. I meet a lot of people. And see some great looking babies. And a fire engine goes by. And I give them the thumbs up. And I’ll ask a woman what kind of dog that is. And, and I don’t know... 

The moral of the story is…we’re here on Earth to fart around. Of course, the computers will do us out of that. But what the computer people don’t realize, or they don’t care, is we’re dancing animals. You know, we love to move around. And it’s like we’re not supposed to dance at all anymore."

We are dancing animals.  What a beautiful and true perspective. 

Fear or Desperation

When I first arrived in NYC,  all the way back in 2002,  I was very unhappy.  New York is a hard city to crack,  I had a young child and a husband who was working every hour in the day and I was very lonely. 

A wise friend said to me I had to wait till my desperation outweighed my fear,  and then I would move forward.   I was indignant!  Why are they my choices?  Can't I have better options.  But he said I was so fear ridden,  I was paralyzed.  Only when I was more desperate than fearful,  could I move forward. 

In the way of super annoying dear friends,  he was right.  There came a time I was so unhappy that it overwhelmed my fear,  and I reached out and changed.  And then I really was in a better place.

When I talk to people nowadays,  I try to give them a  more palatable option.  Instead of fear and desperation,  I tell them if I was going to get 2 words tattooed on my wrists,  they would be life / change.   To remind me that nothing stays the same,  that life is ever changing and the more accepting I am of that fact,  the better I surf through life's vicissitudes.  

So you get somewhere good,  and things shift and if you don't shift with them,  then you go into paralysis and fear.  But if you know that change is inevitable,  that it's not a betrayal,  then you can manage it better.

This is the first time I've ever used AI directly myself,  not to write anything but to create these two tattoo images. 

what do you really want...

I was talking to a client who is facing several life changes,  getting divorced,  finding a new place to live,  figuring out a lot of new stuff.  She said she went to her realtor and he was asking her what she wants,  and she told me that she couldn't actually answer him.  All her set answers were from the 'old' her - the married her,  the one who had to take her husband's views into consideration. When asked what she personally wanted,  her mind went blank. 

I smiled and said it was great she figured this out before buying a new place!  Now that she doesn't have to consider her previous restrictions,  let's look at what is important to her.

Sometimes you are so used to doing things one way,  it comes as a shock when you realize you can do it another way...  the old way no longer dominates and now you really have to think,  what if I have only myself to please,  what do I want then?  

She drew the Fool card,  not meaning she is being foolish,  but rather that she is starting on a new journey,  and she needs to walk out and see what happens... It's a great card for new beginnings. 

Temperance Reversed

My husband died in April and since then I have had my first at fault car accident in 30 years,  I spilt water on my computer and broke it, and I've knocked over more full cups of tea / water in the last six months than in the 10 years before.

Thinking about it,  my sense of balance is definitely off.  I draw Temperance reversed.  Things are not in the flow.  Emotions are spilling out,  the cups overflows but not in joy,  just in mess. And when I look at the card,  it's so obvious. Why would I be in the flow when such a jarring, life altering event has occurred?  Instead of wondering why I'm unbalanced,  I should be pleased that I am functioning at all!

And there is much to be grateful for,  but I do feel like I lost a limb,  and of course,  it will take a long time to restore balance.  But I always feel stronger when I've visualized the problem in a way that feels meaningful to me. 

So,  as I often say to my clients,  my homework tonight is to scour the net and find a version of Temperance that really speaks to me,  and meditate on if for the next week,  and see if that helps restore some balance. 

I like how I travel all around the net till I find one where we are making a fresh cup of tea,  and I let myself feel grounded in that. 

Life after 65

I don't get many people over 65 come in for tarot readings.  By then, most of the pressing questions have been answered.  Sometimes they come with concerns over their adult children or when the grandchildren will arrive,  but the most common issue that drives long term married couples to tarot readings is what to do with retirement. 

I meet so many women who come in and say,  I married him for better or worse but not for lunch,  and if I have to go on one more cruise with him,  I'll just leave him altogether! 

So when I read this online,  I immediately thought of them. 

One wise man was saying how he copes with retirement and he says he has 3 days,  which they rotate through the weeks.

One day is together - they do chores,  they go shopping, they have lunch together.  

Second day is apart.  They both leave the house and do their own thing,  golf,  friends,  family,  and the come home in the evening and have new things to talk about.

Third day is no plans.  They hang around the house, not necessarily in the same room,  until one of them is bored and finds a solution. But it gives them slow, sunshiny days as well.

I liked this advice.  Too much togetherness is awful. And him asking what's for lunch/dinner every morning is exhausting. 

This gives them some structure and some loose time and some time apart,  which is what most couples really want.