The Vampire Problem

Every so often I come across a new to me idea or approach,  and I  write about here a) so I don't forget it and b) when I inevitably mention it in a future reading,  I  have a good link to share. 

L.A Paul is a philosopher and she became famous writing about transformative experiences,  with having a child as a key example.   The you that you may become post child is unknown and unknowable to the you that is thinking about whether or not to have a child. The act of having a child is so transformative that the you that decided to have a child just could not formulate how much this would affect you and what it would do to your life. Even if you thought about it very carefully and rationally,  the unknowns are too unknowable in each particular instance,  that on some level,   you operate without truly knowing how this will impact you.

And the example she came up was the Vampire Problem.  Let's say you are debating whether to become a vampire.  You won't really ever know what it's like to be a vampire until after the event.  So all your foreknowledge or research is not really useful,  because the being that you are after the transformation may be so different to the one who made the decision and that being may have completely different values/agendas - because of the transformation that the old you decided!

What makes a transformative experience?

1.  The choice is irreversible - in the case of having a child,  it's probably one of the few one way doors in life (Love that phrase,  it comes from Sebasatiano Merlino on threads. )

2. There is an experience gap: It is impossible for you to know how the experience will impact you until you go through it.

3. It is transformative:  the you that is deciding is not the same you that will deal with the decision.

I like this.  It's just a way of look at transformative experiences and giving us some idea of how to think about them. 

I think I'm drawn to this right now because I am going through a transformative experience of my own - from wife of 38 years to widow,  and it soothes me on some level to know that it doesn't matter what I try to control now,  the me I'll be down the track may be so different,  that these decisions may have completely different resonances.  And that helps me to let go of anxiety.  I can't control for it,  I'm in the midst of it,  it is happening no matter what. 

quote of the day

I know the world is going crazy,  and so is my life. So to ground myself and keep my sanity,  I'm focusing on small,  clean moments.  

Here's Monica Barbaro's quote from Porter Magazine

“I want to stay hungry, but not in a way where I’m always chasing something I can’t quite grasp, telling myself my life will be better once I have ‘that thing’.”

It's so important to not be complacent but also let yourself be fulfilled.  Hard balance to strike.  To help,  I focus on the tarot card Temperance 

How to keep House While Drowning

A client came to me and talked about how ashamed she feels about the state of her apartment.  And I was so pleased to be able to give her this excellent line - "shame is the enemy of functioning" which comes from the very kind and gentle book,  How to Keep House While Drowning, by KC Davis

We often moralize over things that overwhelm us - so not sticking to a diet,  not keeping a spotless home,  not going to the gym - these aren't matters of life choice and scheduling, but instead feel like moral failures of the worst kind. 

So I'm here to tell you that you are not an immoral person for not doing these things. But if there are things you really want to do,  and you are not doing them,  then perhaps instead of judging and being mean to yourself,  you look for support.  And yes,  sometimes support looks like going to a tarot reader.  And often support looks like taking a helpful book out of the library.  And then scaffolding yourself (great phrase learnt from my son's preschool!) to help support this new habit you want to establish. 

So read this book - or any other that takes your fancy.  Grab the one or two sentences that help you,  and let yourself do a small helpful thing once a day,  until the mountain shrinks back to a molehill,  and it all feels more manageable. 

Revisiting Anxiety

I have written about anxiety before,  but we are living in anxious, 9 of swords times  and could do with some reassurance. 

One of my main defences against anxiety is to name it outloud to myself - I am feeling anxious and I need to do something about it.  So what do I do?  There are many studies that show that going into nature - walks,  swimming,  gardens - can definitely help.  Putting your feet into sand or grass,  into the water's edge or earth,  that can help ground you. 

But sometimes nature is far away,  and sometimes getting dressed to go out into nature feels a bridge too far.  

I have found guided visualisations enormously helpful.  I've been recommending Belleruth Naparstek for years! And I'm still happy to recommend her. 

But lately I've been listening to Kenneth Soares,  who I found on Apple. I mentioned to him to a client recently and she excitedly said she listens to him too.  We both discussed how we can't place his accent (he's definitely not Australian,  as some have suggested!)  I said how I found his comments that I don't have to relax at this moment,  just gave me permission to relax;  whereas others telling me to take a deep breath and commanding me to relax just made me more tense! (I'm so contrary,  I know.)

I always stress to people that I find the ideas of guided meditations very helpful,  but many individual speakers don't work for me at all. If you don't like these recommendations,  don't feel bad.  There is a whole world of guided meditations out there.  Find one that you do like,  and that should help soothe you. 

Grief is like a wave

Grief is such an odd creature.  It just swoops in, at unexpected moments,  to wash over you. 

And I guess I just have to remind myself that I'm on the beach,  and grief is a wave that sweeps in and splashes me,  and then sweeps out again.  And the next wave may contain joy,  or serenity,  or more grief,  who knows...  but the beach is a healing space for me and I like waves.  

Maybe I can step back a bit and not get splashed so much,  but what's the sense in that.  I always want to be in the mix of life,  so I just let the water flow... 

A step back to normality

I did my first tarot reading since my husband died and it was good to talk about something other than me!  It was good to feel competent and professional once more. 

One thing I find difficult in my life right now is that people don't want to talk about their realities, because mine is so pressing. But all of our realities are important to us,  and I want to share in other people's life and stories.  I can't bear it being only about me,  it's both too heavy and too boring!  So I'm happy to hear about my friend's family weddings,  meet a new grandchild,  see the photos from the zoo.   And I'm happy to hear from clients too!  I love tarot readings and doing them makes me feel more normal. 

So if you are thinking of getting a reading,  drop me a line,  or whatsap / text me and let's see what we can work out... 

Liat

+61 0477 043 555

tribecatarotreader@gmail.com

All too real

My husband has been ill for many years now.  It was a slow progressive illness which kept branching off into new and terrible complications.

He died last Wednesday,  April 1st,  Erev Seder in the Jewish Calendar.

I veer between calm and sadness,  between acceptance and grief. 

Or all at the same time,  sadly calm,  acceptingly grief struck.  I cry a lot and then just as suddenly stop,  like a tap that doesn't know whether it's off or on. 

Just want the universe to know,  what a magical man he was,  and how sorry we all are to lose him.  He was much loved. 

His memory is a blessing for us.