The journey and the destination

I remember talking about this when I was an addiction counsellor.  If you are driving somewhere and miss your turnoff (or turn off too early) you don't go all the way home and start over again.  You get to the next ramp and start from there.  If you fall off your goal,  you're not a zero,  you are at 100 days minus one - you are at 99 days and then start counting.  

It felt much kinder and also truer,  to do that rather than rachet you back to zero.  

And life is so much about the journey,  rather than just reaching an arbitrary destination. So if it took you 370 days to get to a year's sobriety,  then take those extra days,  those wrong turns,  and try not to do that again. But don't put yourself back at day 0.  You are so much further ahead than that! 

Wishing us all well,  on all of our journeys... 

Raising children into today's world

I just had a deeply concerning reading for a woman whose child is addicted to youtube kids videos.  I had never seen such videos (they sound benign on the face of it,  kids playing with toys,  kids opening toys)

And then,  the very next day,  I see this article in the New York Times - When a Child's Life Becomes the Family Business.  It was like it was explaining the other side of the reading. 

I do think many of us are too connected to our phones (and I'm in there with the 'us'.)   And I know kids can be annoying and irritating and demanding,  and giving them access to a youtube station by kids and for kids can feel like a safe fix.  But everyone's brains are developing in this scenario and kids watching other kids getting avalanches of toys can make them feel a) less than and b) want more and more. 

So my suggestions are to go slow and limit screen access, encourage real world connections, and talk to your kids.  Get them to help with cooking - a real world activity with the benefits of creating dinner! I know this takes energy, and the kids themselves may fight you on this,  but if we give them good enough alternatives,  then the fighting eases.  Also if none of this works,  please do some research and go and see a professional!  

I don't think there is a simple answer. Even my son says he is grateful he isn't 12 today.  The world is complex and changing more than we realize and we have to tread carefully...  

A life with out...

Like most people I was very sad to hear of Philip Seymour Hoffman's death. For a 46 year old,  with children and a stable relationship and a hugely successful career, the thought that drugs could mean more to him than family,  fame,  fortune,  it boggles the mind.   Russell Brand, a comedian and writer in the UK (known mainly in the US for having briefly married Katy Perry) wrote this really moving piece about addiction,  and his feelings, despite being 10 years clean,  that it really is a day at a time.

Recovery from anything - addiction, death of a loved one, the loss of the future you planned for yourself -  can be brutally hard and often involves relapses (that's my years as an addiction counselor speaking.)  But by slogging it out,  one simple, single day at a time,  recovery can build,  and then feel firmer. 

I spoke to a client the other day who was battling with being bipolar. She said she would feel better and then think she no longer needed her medication and then stop taking it and spiral out of control.  Recovery is sometimes understanding our limitations as well as our strengths,  and staying on course,  even though we think we might not need it any more. 

My best wishes to Philip's family,  and Amy Whitehouses' family,  and your family,  if this is an issue you are dealing with,  and my blessing,  to take it one day at a time, and let the time grow.