Raising children into today's world

I just had a deeply concerning reading for a woman whose child is addicted to youtube kids videos.  I had never seen such videos (they sound benign on the face of it,  kids playing with toys,  kids opening toys)

And then,  the very next day,  I see this article in the New York Times - When a Child's Life Becomes the Family Business.  It was like it was explaining the other side of the reading. 

I do think many of us are too connected to our phones (and I'm in there with the 'us'.)   And I know kids can be annoying and irritating and demanding,  and giving them access to a youtube station by kids and for kids can feel like a safe fix.  But everyone's brains are developing in this scenario and kids watching other kids getting avalanches of toys can make them feel a) less than and b) want more and more. 

So my suggestions are to go slow and limit screen access, encourage real world connections, and talk to your kids.  Get them to help with cooking - a real world activity with the benefits of creating dinner! I know this takes energy, and the kids themselves may fight you on this,  but if we give them good enough alternatives,  then the fighting eases.  Also if none of this works,  please do some research and go and see a professional!  

I don't think there is a simple answer. Even my son says he is grateful he isn't 12 today.  The world is complex and changing more than we realize and we have to tread carefully...  

Current favorite poem

I'm so upset with the New York Times,  a paper I read daily,  which put up an article asking if Women had Ruined the Workplace.  And when they faced backlash over that,  changed the title to Did Liberal Feminism ruin the workplace?  And then,  when that didn't seem to fix the problem,  changed it to  What is toxic Femininity?   Just such an awful question,  which gave rise to lots of thoughtful articles debunking it! 

And in a perfect antidote to that,  I found this poem,  by a poet I have written about before,  Danielle Coffyn

If Adam Picked the Apple

There would be a parade,

a celebration,

a holiday to commemorate

the day he sought enlightenment.

We would not speak of

temptation by the devil, rather,

we would laud Adam’s curiosity,

his desire for adventure

and knowing.

We would feast

on apple-inspired fare:

tortes, chutneys, pancakes, pies.

There would be plays and songs

reenacting his courage.

But it was Eve who grew bored,

weary of her captivity in Eden.

And a woman’s desire

for freedom is rarely a cause

for celebration.

Late night sleeplessness

The New York Times and I are in perfect sync!  I'm sleeping really badly lately and I know my sleep hygiene is not good,  I'm reading too late,  I'm playing my stupid game. But my new bad issue is that I finally fall asleep,  and then I'm wide awake 2 hours later.  That's new and not good at all. 

So I just saw this article in the NYT on I can't Sleep.  Now What?,  which recommends 13 tips, all from experts.  I like the idea of flexing my toes.  Deep breathing never really works for me.  I feel someone else is controlling my breath and my agitation increases rather than decreases.  And listening to boring books/music - that really does work.  So I'm off to practice some new tips and hopefully will start sleeping through the night again.

Funny how something you used to do effortlessly is now hard and requires thought and action!  

Quick update - since writing this I remembered how I used to recommend Suntheanine from Natural Factors,  and it really does work for me.  I don't get a cut if you buy it,  it's just a recommendation.  I have tried other brands,  but the Natural Factors works best for me.  So sleeping better! 

Wishing you a good night's sleep too... 

Finding the Connections

As someone who  plays the New York Times words games daily,  I was delighted with yesterday's Connections game.  I immediately got the purple level -  the connection between Lover,  Magician,  Fool and Tower leaping to my eye.   

Tarot cards!   

Funny how easy it  is to see connections when you have some knowledge of the area... (the sports ones always trip me up! )

36 Questions

These are questions to facilitate and increase intimacy.

They were developed by psychologist Arthur Aron, who wrote them for a study about falling in love.  I like them as a list of questions,  to ask yourself,  to ask a current friend/lover,  or to ask a new friend/lover to see if the relationship is worth deepening.   After the questions,  Aron advocated looking into each other's eyes for four full minutes (long time!)   

Try it and see what works for you:

Set I

 

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

 

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

 

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

 

These questions were referenced in the New York Times article - To Fall in Love with Anyone,  Do This  The article in the New York times found the silent glance at the end,  the clincher for 'falling in love'.

 

I just read the laugh out loud rebuttal from New York Magazine,  To Fall Out of Love,  Do This.   It felt so true,  and so funny...