Self Talk

I have a friend who always calls herself an idiot - I'm such an idiot, she says,  easily and often.  And finally I said,  I can't let you talk about my good friend like that!  I won't hear it,  and it's not true.  

And she smiled at me.  You're right,  you're right.  And I know her self talk is entrenched and continues when I'm not there,  but when I am there,  she tries to speak more nicely about herself... and isn't that a good thing!

So watch how you talk to yourself.  And don't go badmouthing yourself!  Self talk matters.  

The parable of the Wolf

I've read this in numerous variations but it always resonates...

A young boy sat with his grandfather who told him,  in you,  and in everyone, there are two wolves fighting.  One wolf is good - he is honorable, and kind and seeks wisdom and justice.  The other wolf is bad,  he is vengeful, cruel and angry and wants power.

Which one wins? asks the boy.

The one that you feed,  he replies.

I love that answer.  It explains everything. Firstly, that all of us have these two wolves - don't feel bad or shame that you have an angry cruel wolf inside.  But secondly,  you can do something about it. And that is,  don't feed it! Give your energy and your time to the honorable kind wolf,  and that is the self that will win... 

It's always such a good question to ask yourself - which wolf am I feeding right now?

I have to update this because I read the funniest meme: - 

I definitely have both dragons inside of me! And I love museums and museum gift shops.   

Cultural Moments

I went and saw Lizzo recently,  on her tour of Australia.  I love her.  I love her lyrics,  I love her voice,  I love her message.  And then this weird news broke out - 3 back up dancers were suing her,  for sexual harassment?  How could that be?

My husband has worked in theater for a long time.  And I've seen stars go out after a show,  wired and needing to decompress.  And I can see how easily Lizzo,  on tour,  no friends around,  says to her homies,  let's go out.  But she's wearing two hats here:  friend/fun girl and boss.  But she only sees the one hat,  she doesn't see the Employer hat sitting so firmly on her head. So maybe her crew don't want to go out,  maybe they find it exhausting being windswept and interesting with their boss,  after work. But if they say no,  they are the boring ones,  the not fun ones,  and maybe that means they won't be rehired when this tour ends. So there is a subtle but strong pressure to go out.  I've seen it on countless nights. Also, the person inviting is also charismatic and interesting.  So you go.  But you can feel resentful and tired and somehow trapped.

And then,  because they are in Amsterdam or Paris and going out late,  after a show - well what's open?  And somehow,  she is inviting people to go out,  but not to a regular nightclub,  but to a sex club.  That's a line you can't cross with your employees.  You cannot be taking them to sex clubs.  Even when you think they are friends,  even when you are just joking.  It's like all those salesmen who were taken to strip bars by their bosses in the 1980s,  and were unable to say,  hey,  this is unprofessional and frankly gross and I don't want to be here. But it's 2023 and she should absolutely know better.

What she should have said, what I would have advised her to say,  had she asked me,  is omg,  I'm so sorry.  I thought I was just inviting people to hang and totally overlooked that they were actually my employees and I may have inadvertently put them in uncomfortable situations.  I feel sick to my stomach now that I think about it. This is 100% not what I want people to feel.  I wish they had been able to say to my face that they didn't feel comfortable there, but I know that it's on me to prevent this stuff happening,  and trust me,  it won't happen on my watch again.  Again, I'm so sorry that these people felt the slightest bit coerced.  I think of them as family,  but I can see,  that I'm also the boss,  and I will never invite my employees to a sex club again.  

I still love her.  I hope she learns and grows from this incident.   

Disappointment

It is an absolute truth that everyone will disappoint you sometimes.  

Let's just sit with that for a minute.  Your mother,  your father,  at least once in your life,  they'll get it wrong,  and let you down.  Your sister,  your lover.  Won't hear, won't be there,  will let you down.  Hell,  even you,  yourself,  may disappoint yourself sometime...  I shouldn't have done that,  drunk that,  slept with him...

So everyone will disappoint you.  

But some people are worth it.  

It helps not to expect or even desire perfection.  If they meet you half way,  if they don't want to disappoint you,  but life got in the way,  if they are trying.  And if on the good days,  you both laugh and laugh.  Or if they remember your secrets and never share them, or if they always speak their truth to you and let you speak your truth to them... then you can weather some disappointment.

(of course I'm not talking about major betrayals here. They get a lot more scrutiny and thought...) 

The scariest card

No one wants to draw the Death card.  Even if you know nothing about the tarot, one look at that card,  and you feel deep unease.

But Tarot is a subtle guidance,  and death doesn't mean death is coming for you.  It means change is coming,  deep change,  transformative change.  I wrote a blog on butterflies and change and the death card in 2012 (which just goes to show how old this blog is!) and now I'm thinking of it again.

I used to tell clients that I was thinking of getting a word tattooed on each of my wrists - the right would say LIFE and the left would say CHANGE.  Life, Change.  Life, Change.  Just to remind me and them that all life involves change.  And often is it the resistance to change,  as opposed to the change itself,  that can hurt us the most.  (I couldn't find images of that,  but I did find lots of heart beats,  whose very syncopation says that all life involves the heart moving and changing beat,  so I used that image.) 

If you draw the death card,  change is coming.  Now we can discuss how to deal with it,  see if we can modify it,  but mostly see if we can surf it to get to the shore safely.  Things never stand still,  life is always in motion, and if we can accept that,  then the Death Card need not be so scary...