Letting the Perfect get in the way of the Good

I see this so often in readings.  A desire for perfection spoiling the pretty good moments.  People have this around weddings,  where everything has to be 'perfect' and of course it won't be,  because nothing is perfect and then after the wedding,  all the focus is on what went wrong and how awful the person/situation was that unwittingly spoilt the event. 

But even on things not as dramatic as weddings - people just want the holiday,  the apartment,  the new job - they want it all to work out perfectly.  And instead of celebrating the good,  they focus on what doesn't work.  

And the cards are so ruthless. They draw the 4 of cups or the Devil - cards showing them getting lost in their dreams and not seeing the good in front of them,  or repeating bad patterns.

So if this is happening to you,  if you feel constantly disappointed/stressed, give yourself a moment to focus on what is really going on.  Is it good enough or do we have to go and change it?  But don't expect perfection,  that guarantees disappointment...  

Friendship and Money

It's funny how readings go in themes.  All of sudden 3 complete strangers come and talk to me about the same thing.    This week,  it's about friendship and money.  I had one of my brides (I often get brides, such a life changing moment,  they want to know that they are on the right track!) was upset that her best friends weren't prepared to invest as much in her wedding experience as she wanted.  

Destination weddings can be fun and glamorous,  but if your friend genuinely can't afford it, what do you do?

Then I had a woman in her 50's,  newly divorced,  who wanted to go and see all that was available in NYC,  go to some excellent restaurants,  go to some fabulous theatre,  see the opera - but her girlfriends were bailing out. 

And then a woman in her late 30's came to me,  worried about the cost of the baby sitter,  that just added upwards of $100 on an evening out. 

So the theme was friendship and money.  And the cost was having an honest conversation with our friends.   It can feel so awful to say,  we just can't afford to do  X,  whatever X is,  right now.  Or soften it with a 'we haven't budgeted for X this month,  perhaps next month.'  

But as with my client in her 50's found,  her friends just didn't want to spend so much money on her extravagances.  

I tell people they have to be sensitive to the financial realities of others,  and not judge them for not wanting to spend the same amount as you do on events you are creating.  So have the destination wedding,  but be aware that some people,  even close friends and family, just won't be able to come. And accept that with grace.  

And if you are finally free to go to all the expensive places you've wanted to see, perhaps invite your friends and say,  I'll treat this time, you chose the next, (or vica versa)  Or perhaps have an event night out less frequently and intersperse them with quiet nights in or simple diner dinners, so your friends can opt in or out in ways that work for them.

And finally,  sitters, reliable ones that play with your kids and make it so you can relax and be in the moment, well,  they do cost.  That conundrum beat a lot of parents that I saw in Tribeca when my kiddo was young.  We traded sleep overs a lot,  taking friends kids and then having them take ours,  so not only did we get a night out but a sleep in!  But I did that mainly with my friends who also had one child. Doing that with 2 or 3 kids,  that's much harder! 

What I do ask is for sensitivity.  Events can be important to you but out of the budget for others, even if it's only one night out, as I said to the plaintive bride,  they may not have $300 for that occasion as well as everything else. 

And if you are the one being asked to things you cannot afford,  find a way to say no that works for you.  There's nothing shameful about saying that's not in my budget right now,  and then just stopping.  No more excuses needed. 

Managing Expectations

 I really feel one of the secrets to contentment in life is found in managing expectations. 

Sometimes people come to new situations and expect X, but are met with J.  Coming to terms with it,  allowing yourself to be in this different situation - all that determines how you will feel about it.  Sometimes I feel  that if I keep my expectations low,  I can always be satisfied and sometimes delighted.  I get a bit wary if I find I'm expecting something to be really amazing,  because I know if it's not,  I'll be disappointed. 

I had a reading around a wedding recently that reminded me of this.   A really pretty woman in her late twenties had fantasized about her perfect day for years and everything had to be insta-perfect.  Which is both exhausting and disappointing,  as good friends/bridesmaids were not being as supportive/engaged as she would have liked,  and even her fiancé was drawing away from her planning.  

So we spoke about the perfect getting in the way of the good, but the cards were much more ruthless.  I looked at her as she drew the 8 of swords/6 of cups/ 2 swords and said,  you feel trapped and isolated,  but there is a way out.  But you have to look clearly,  and not be nostalgic or childlike,  you  have to look at it like an adult.  If you don't you will feel even more isolated and defensive.  And she was in tears for both things - that she wasn't going to get the wedding of her dreams,  and that friends were letting her down.   

She was expecting too much of them and of herself.  She wasn't happy with my reading but the situation was not going to go her way through sheer will power, the cards were clear on that. 

I can only hope she took some of the reading on board,  and give herself a beautiful and meaningful, but not perfect,  day. 

The importance of rituals

It's easy to be ambivalent about rituals, a whiff of the past,  of it's muddy complexity,  and at the same time,  something to hold you through important times.  We watched the Coronation of Charles III and while I kept having Monty Python voices running through my head,  I was also moved by this strange event that had it's roots deep in medieval times.  And the music was sublime.

Weddings,  funerals,  choreographed events with small moments that mean everything and large ones that can mean nothing.  I've been a few of them recently and I'm struck at how the familiar can feel comforting during stressful times.  Going to funerals,  never sure of what to do or what to say,  the ritual gives you the steps of the dance,  and you can move with more confidence.  

There are rituals around the tarot - I always wrap my decks in silk scarves and they live in small carved wooden boxes between readings.  Does it matter?  Does it make a difference to the reading?  I don't think so,  but handling them with respect makes it easier to bring a respectful attitude to the reading,  clearing the space for the discussion to come.  That's where ritual helps,  in creating and sustaining the atmosphere, giving you the confidence to move forward.