FIRE vs FINE

How we spend our money says so much about us.  Are we generous to ourselves,  stingy to others?  Stingy to ourselves and others?  Buying others attention?  Spending more than we have? There are so many ways to live both within and outside of our means.

I've come across the FIRE system - Financial Independence,  Retire Early - quite a few times in my life.  Some of my clients have been fiercely dedicated to it.  Some have strained their marriages over it.  It's basically living way below your means and squirreling every spare penny away,  till you reach a magic number (different for every person) and then you can stop work and live very frugally on that.  

Conceptually it never worked for me.  I don't want to be that frugal and I didn't want to stop working at 40.  

But now a new acronym has emerged - FINE,  Financial Independence,  New Endeavor.  Which doesn't make you retire once you hit your personal magic number,  but allows/encourages you to shift to a new idea/endeavor.  This seems more appealing,  though you still have to be very frugal to get to your magic number, but once there, you embrace new ideas or doing part time work,  or lower paid but more emotionally satisfying work. 

I do think that for many of us,  living that much below our income implies that there is some fat in our income and that is far from always the case.   And getting your nails done once a month shouldn't be seen as a shameful luxury. 

So as with everything,  I advocate moderation.  Spend moderately,  but also save moderately.  Try to live within your means,  don't get the maximum mortgage,  see if you can find something cheaper a little further out,  give yourself some breathing room.  And take a holiday.  Holidays are joy. And if camping gives you joy,  go camping.  But if going to Paris gives you joy,  don't force yourself to camp and resent your choices. 

Life Skills

Everyone has something that they find easy,  that other people find hard.  But skills are transferable.  

I was dreadful with food for many years,  eating my feelings and under exercising.  But I was always great with money,  feeling satisfied with staying within my budget and smug when I got things on sale.  There were years where the only things I bought full price were groceries. 

And I met these gorgeous,  thin,  smart young women coming for Tarot Readings,  who were really dreadful with money.  They could control and motivate themselves effortlessly around food and exercise,  but they had no self control around expenditures. 

And I said,  these are the same skills.  The skills that make you not eat a full bar of chocolate,  you can transfer that attitude to shopping.  It was so eye opening for me (sometimes I actually take my own advice!)   It really helped me with food. I began saying to myself, it's costs too much,  thinking about how many calories were in a dessert.

And I'd encourage the girls to look at the shoes and work out much they were paying on interest to get them, and declare them too fattening!  I made a lot of girls laugh with that line,  and then stop and think.  I still get feedback to this day from some of my clients that that idea really helped them. 

Money Secrets

People will happily talk to friends about dating disasters,  sexual disasters,  embarrassing moments and that weird thing that happened when they were in the changing room at Nordstrom.  But what they rarely talk about is money. 

I never knew that there was a special tax exemption on financial gifts to adult children,  so you can give them $18,000 a year,  every year,  without incurring tax implications.   But I certainly learnt about it in New York.  I did know that a lot of my TriBeCa friends and clients were definitely getting help from family,  especially when it came to their or their children's school fees. 

So if you are struggling with money and wondering how your friends are making it better than you,  don't beat yourself up,  just know that they are getting family help.

And I'm not judging or being mean about family money.  A safety net is a glorious thing.  You can make better decisions,  have better choices, and have some breathing space with a good safety net.  It's just sometimes, if you don't have that safety net,  you can wonder what it is you are doing wrong.  I'm here to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.  Everyone has their path,  some people have it easier in one respect,  others have it easier in another.  But no one has a completely easy path.  So don't let yourself get overwhelmed by what other people do or do not have (so easy to do in a city like New York.)  And try to see where you have it easy,  so you can have some gratitude around it (a healthy body,  a curious mind,  some grounded friends,  a loving companion - animal or human.)  Everything is easier with genuine gratitude. 

Friendship and Money

It's funny how readings go in themes.  All of sudden 3 complete strangers come and talk to me about the same thing.    This week,  it's about friendship and money.  I had one of my brides (I often get brides, such a life changing moment,  they want to know that they are on the right track!) was upset that her best friends weren't prepared to invest as much in her wedding experience as she wanted.  

Destination weddings can be fun and glamorous,  but if your friend genuinely can't afford it, what do you do?

Then I had a woman in her 50's,  newly divorced,  who wanted to go and see all that was available in NYC,  go to some excellent restaurants,  go to some fabulous theatre,  see the opera - but her girlfriends were bailing out. 

And then a woman in her late 30's came to me,  worried about the cost of the baby sitter,  that just added upwards of $100 on an evening out. 

So the theme was friendship and money.  And the cost was having an honest conversation with our friends.   It can feel so awful to say,  we just can't afford to do  X,  whatever X is,  right now.  Or soften it with a 'we haven't budgeted for X this month,  perhaps next month.'  

But as with my client in her 50's found,  her friends just didn't want to spend so much money on her extravagances.  

I tell people they have to be sensitive to the financial realities of others,  and not judge them for not wanting to spend the same amount as you do on events you are creating.  So have the destination wedding,  but be aware that some people,  even close friends and family, just won't be able to come. And accept that with grace.  

And if you are finally free to go to all the expensive places you've wanted to see, perhaps invite your friends and say,  I'll treat this time, you chose the next, (or vica versa)  Or perhaps have an event night out less frequently and intersperse them with quiet nights in or simple diner dinners, so your friends can opt in or out in ways that work for them.

And finally,  sitters, reliable ones that play with your kids and make it so you can relax and be in the moment, well,  they do cost.  That conundrum beat a lot of parents that I saw in Tribeca when my kiddo was young.  We traded sleep overs a lot,  taking friends kids and then having them take ours,  so not only did we get a night out but a sleep in!  But I did that mainly with my friends who also had one child. Doing that with 2 or 3 kids,  that's much harder! 

What I do ask is for sensitivity.  Events can be important to you but out of the budget for others, even if it's only one night out, as I said to the plaintive bride,  they may not have $300 for that occasion as well as everything else. 

And if you are the one being asked to things you cannot afford,  find a way to say no that works for you.  There's nothing shameful about saying that's not in my budget right now,  and then just stopping.  No more excuses needed. 

10 of Pentacles

Whenever I get this card I say it involves 3 words – complex / family/ money. It’s never simple to decode this card, so this more general reading is not going to be accurate – a proper interpretation depends where the card falls in the tarot spread, and how you feel about it. It can be positive or negative, but it’s not simple. It can mean established, contented wealth, but with a flutter of change… something new is coming and how does it affect the traditions already established?


This version of the card is oddly disturbing, and then you realize that the cozy father and son chess game is being held up by a person/servant/slave? Here there is affection and respect within the family but disrespect or contempt for others. You see, complex, family, money… it’s all there.

Ace of Pentacles

Everyone is always happy to see this card. At the superficial level, it means money/success/promotion is coming, and who doesn’t want that? At a deeper level it means you are feeling grounded, that you are getting the results you want, and you can hold on to them. You feel a sense of abundance.

When I get it in a question, the Ace always signifies a ‘yes’ – so if you are asking about work or money, it’s overwhelmingly positive, the jackpot at the end of the rainbow. But even if you are asking about relationships or babies, the ace of pentacles is a yes.

I like the chick image, the sense of coming out of our shells, and getting into the freedom of the wide world.