Telling your truth

One thing I always recommend to people is to speak their truth.   You don't have to tell the whole truth to people,  but don't lie.  

If I am feeling depressed and anxious and sad,  and the cashier at the supermarket asks "how are you?"  I say "tired."  Not the whole truth,  but a truth.  And often I would get a slip of the mask and a human looks back at me and they answer "God, me too!"  And even that bit of congruence makes me feel more real,  more connected.

So it's not that I have to tell all my secrets to the universe,  or be rude or even say things that make me feel over exposed.  It's just that I have to be congruent.  And that really does help. 

When I first came to NYC,  way back in 2002,  I had a really rough first year,  which is not uncommon for people coming to such a busy, humming place.   I felt lost and isolated.  In the middle of the worst of it,  I just began saying things that were true - even at parties.  How are you?  I'm feeling lost and overwhelmed, I would reply.  I can't tell you how many people said,  oh,  the first year is the worst,  and shared their experiences.  And it got better.  Me being real,  allowed others to be real and that helped ground me. 

So speak a truth,  doesn't have to be all of it,  but whatever you say has to be real,  even if it's "I don't have the bandwidth for that right now." which I have found myself saying from time to time. 

Being congruent helps.  

Managing Expectations

 I really feel one of the secrets to contentment in life is found in managing expectations. 

Sometimes people come to new situations and expect X, but are met with J.  Coming to terms with it,  allowing yourself to be in this different situation - all that determines how you will feel about it.  Sometimes I feel  that if I keep my expectations low,  I can always be satisfied and sometimes delighted.  I get a bit wary if I find I'm expecting something to be really amazing,  because I know if it's not,  I'll be disappointed. 

I had a reading around a wedding recently that reminded me of this.   A really pretty woman in her late twenties had fantasized about her perfect day for years and everything had to be insta-perfect.  Which is both exhausting and disappointing,  as good friends/bridesmaids were not being as supportive/engaged as she would have liked,  and even her fiancé was drawing away from her planning.  

So we spoke about the perfect getting in the way of the good, but the cards were much more ruthless.  I looked at her as she drew the 8 of swords/6 of cups/ 2 swords and said,  you feel trapped and isolated,  but there is a way out.  But you have to look clearly,  and not be nostalgic or childlike,  you  have to look at it like an adult.  If you don't you will feel even more isolated and defensive.  And she was in tears for both things - that she wasn't going to get the wedding of her dreams,  and that friends were letting her down.   

She was expecting too much of them and of herself.  She wasn't happy with my reading but the situation was not going to go her way through sheer will power, the cards were clear on that. 

I can only hope she took some of the reading on board,  and give herself a beautiful and meaningful, but not perfect,  day. 

Remember the Golden Rule

Recently,  in  quite a few of my readings,  people have complained about how unreliable other people are becoming.  Not necessarily just on dates,  but also friends, family, adult children - everyone seems to be hedging their options, saying yes and changing it to maybe,  or just ghosting arrangements. 

Covid has had many strange after affects, and NYC was always a city scared to commit,  incase something better came along,  but hey,  let's all try to remember the golden rule - treat others as we would like to be treated ourselves. 

I know,  I know,  life is complex,  and we want to do something and say yes and something weird happens and we can't.  But we should immediately tell people that we can't,  and we should look at our lives if weird things are happening too often. Maybe we are overwhelmed,  maybe we are over committing.  Maybe we should have a quiet weekend and do nothing.   Nothing wrong with saying "I'd love to,  but I can't." 

And if everyone is flaking on you,  then stop making plans with them!  One woman said then she would never see her friends,  if she didn't make the plans,  and then we both stopped and looked at each other.  So you make all the plans and they flake 50% of the time?  Maybe let them go a while and see if they reach out,  I suggested softly.  And if they never reach out... well what are you willing to tolerate to keep them in your life?  Not this,  she said..

And that's the second Golden Rule.  People will treat you like you let them.  If they treat you badly,  and you stop letting them,  and they are no longer in your life,  well,  that's your answer.