Drawing good cards

Had a funny moment with a client the other day.  

She is having difficulties with her ex husband and co parent, and wanted to know more about it. Her ex and his new girlfriend and expecting a new child and she is worried about how that will impact their son,  who is six.  But the cards show he will continue to engage with his son,  which she is ambivalent about.  But we both acknowledged that it's healthier for children to have both parents involved in their lives,  and it's never good to push the father away.  

She drew mainly positive cards around the situation and seemed annoyed that the cards were rosier than she felt. 

I said to her that sometimes anxieties can feel overwhelming in the moment,  but the cards are saying that big picture,  things are going to be okay.   Whilst she feels like the Page of  Swords reversed today,  her outcome was the Queen of Pentacles - grounded,  down to earth and doing well financially.

She took that onboard and said she felt better after the reading... 

Happy Mother's Day

This can be a wonderful, celebratory day,  or it can be something far more complicated. 

One mother of adult children came to me to tell me how distressed she was because her adult children have planned nothing special for her this weekend.  Another adult woman told me she hated this day since her mother had passed six years ago and her remarried father wanted her to celebrate it with his new wife. 

Like Christmas,  like Thanksgiving,  complicated family dynamics can make for a complicated festival.  If you are not getting what you want from the day,  try to sort out for yourself what it is that you need,  what can you do that will make it better for you.  Perhaps coordinate a hotel brunch with your adult children, perhaps tell your father that are busy today but will see them next weekend.  Perhaps go out with your childfree friends,  perhaps acknowledge that your adult children are celebrating with their children and this is a more young child's festival.  

But absolutely do something that gives you joy today. 

Cultural values

When you meet someone new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and occassionally you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad. 

Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day on Sunday, and a young man at the mall gave me a single rose to celebrate it. 

Part of me is cynical when it comes to commercialized holidays, thinking it a business sponsored deal to sell us cards and gifts.  But part of me also values the sentiment of acknowledging our often unappreciated mothers, who do so much of the heavy lifting in many families. 

I'm lucky with my mother and my mother in law,  both loving and present women.  I'm grateful to have a good relationship with both of them.  However I do lots of readings for women who don't have such great relationships with their mother figures and these days can be doubly difficult for them.

If you are one of the lucky ones - go ahead and celebrate, put up those pictures on the socials,  make some noise for the excellent women in your life.   If you are not, be kind to yourself,  do what works for you,  and don't let yourself be steamrollered into situations where you feel worse. 

Mothers...

I don't really follow pop culture all that much, but my feed is full of Brooke Shields and the documentary about her life right now,  and the algorithm knows me well,  because I clicked on it. 

And then I fell down the rabbit hole and ended up watching this amazing interview of Brooke by another child star,  Drew Barrymore.  And Drew just let is slip that somehow, in her entanglement with her daughter,  Drew's mother used to seduce Drew's boyfriends.  Even Brooke's face froze for a minute at this throw away line.  

And I thought about enmeshment,  and how some women just can't let their children become individuals,  but are always reflections of them.  

Some of the women I read for, come to me to talk about their mothers.  It's such a central relationship,  mother and child,  mother and daughter.  Sometimes,  it's easier with sons - the difference in gender protects both of them.  But I see the stickiness that some mothers have with their adult daughters and how difficult it is for the young (and not so young) women to pull away from their mother's grasp.