Cultural values

When you meet someone new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and occassionally you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad. 

Texting and all that jazz

I just did a reading for a woman,  26 years old,  in a newish relationship that took a nose dive over the weekend when he didn't answer her texts on the day.  They were not urgent texts,  and he did reply, but not on the day.  She wants to break up with him,  he thinks she's being unreasonable.  I said she can break up whenever she wants,  but what's going on here?  

Turns out her last boyfriend also had issues with her and texting.  So I asked,  how often do you text?  It turns out,  5, 6 or 10 times a day.  And she wants a response within the hour.   I looked at her.  Do you respond to them within the hour?  She responds usually within 15 minutes to anyone,  5 minutes to a close friend,  instantly to a boyfriend.  Whoo boy,  I thought.

Okay,  so you have very different methods of communication.  The boyfriend told her that phones are for his convenience,  they are not there to be an electronic leash and when she demands instant responses it takes away from where he is at that moment.  She can't understand that.  She feels abandoned,  he feels nagged.  

A tarot reading is an hour without phone calls or texts.  I had told her to put her phone on airplane mode for the reading, so she could use it to record the reading,  which she did but reluctantly.  

I said that if this was a problem with only one man,  she could just look for another man.  But this is going to be a problem with quite a few men.  And the cards like this boyfriend,  she drew the King of Pentacles around him - he is mature,  steadfast and reliable.  He also wants to work things out,  but not text back immediately.   So they have to see if they can tolerate each others needs and anxieties.  But the boys who love bomb her and text her several times a day,  and respond straight away,  they also end up disappointing.  

It's hard when our own needs get in our way.  That serotonin hit of hearing the chime,  reading the text, knowing they are thinking of you.  But it can become addictive,  drawing you away from the people you are with,  to be with the hit from the ether.  

She hadn't talked previously to someone who was listening closely but not involved.  That's the gift of tarot.  I have no agenda,  I just tell her want the cards tell me. She knows the phone issue is complicated but she liked the cards she drew around him. They are going to try to talk it out... 

Powerless...

Well, what a week it’s been.

Firstly,  I need to apologize to clients who tried to get in touch with me,  but my phone reception was very iffy and I could not access any email/internet.   I realized I had to let go of any expectation of communication and let that stressor go.  

 

Once I decided I was not going to try and live a normal life,  a new kind of normality took place –  by the third day we had a new routine going – my son,  whose school was closed,  and I would go for a walk by the river in the morning (ironically,  the damage at Battery Park City seemed far less than damage further in…)  Day one there were pumps emptying garages and peculiar smells,  long lines for the single Deli serving coffee,  everyone looking a bit lost.  Day two,  we knew where the power was,  who was open and who was not,  and we had bagels for dinner.  Day Three we found that the World Financial Center had loads of powerpoints, we went in a recharged what we could. We started going to the movies (three films in one week,  I haven’t done that since college!)   Then we would bump into loads of people we knew, close friends and bare acquaintances, and have dinner with them wherever was open.  It was actually kind of charming.  And I got lovely texts from all sorts of people, including several clients, checking in that I was okay.  

We had gas and cold water all along, I started the mornings by heating up large pots of water, like an old pioneer woman, and we all were clean and shiny before leaving for brighter, warmer places.  

And then last night at 4 am we woke up because our bedside lamps were shining in our faces – power! 

Now,  4 loads of washing in,  I am showered with blown dry hair and we’ve emptied and partially restocked the fridge.  We are back on track and so is Tribeca Tarot Reader.  If you want a reading, please email me at tribecatarotreader@gmail.com (please don’t phone, reception is still very spotty)