Let yourself grow before falling in love

So often we look to love to rescue us,  but I do a lot of readings for younger women - just out of college,  just starting their twenties and I tell them that they are still growing and learning about themselves.  

I really wish younger women wouldn't throw so much of themselves into relationships,  and focus more on having a clear relationship with themselves.  And I have to say,  college graduates today are really more self aware than they were 20 years ago. 

People still want relationships,  but not at the cost of their friendships, their career paths,  their own life choices.  And that is as it should be.  You need to know yourself before you become part of pair.  Before you are 25,  no man should be more important to you than the relationship you are building within yourself.  

Do the work on you,  be clear on what you can or can't give,  what you will or won't accept,  and then the Lovers card can appear. 

Today's poetic words

I read this online,  these are not my words.  There was a thread on infidelity and someone wrote this:

May truth find you gently. May clarity reach you before confusion does. May your heart be protected from deception, and your dignity remain untouched by what was never yours to carry. And may whatever is revealed lead you not to pain, but to freedom, strength, and deeper self-respect.

Isn't that beautiful?  I wish it so,  especially on something as painful as infidelity. 

Eye of the Storm

When my life is going particularly crazy I say - it's my life as a telenovela,  in this week's segment they had to raise the ratings - so in the past month,  having never called an ambulance in my life,  I accompanied 2 family members to the hospital.  (one was clearly not sufficient drama)

Then last night my son wakes me from sleep to tell me he had a car accident.  So I'm wide awake and we sort things out.  This morning I am calling all these unfamiliar numbers for insurance and tow trucks. 

Then I get a call from an unfamiliar number and a voice recording says it's my credit card.  I've had 2 unusual expenditures on my account, one for $1000 on itunes and one for $1200 on another gift card.  If I want it go authorize it,  I should press 1,  but if I want to cancel it press 2.  So of course I press 2.  Then it tells me to go on hold,  and plays very pleasant classical music.  Then a man comes on the phone to discuss my credit card.  And suddenly I say,  I'm not comfortable doing this on the phone,  I'm going to go into my bank and talk to them.  And he says,  but you called me.  And I say,  no,  you called me.  And I hung up  and checked my bank account.  No such expenditures had been made.  It was a sophisticated scam.  

I was so frazzled by my family in hospital,  my son in an accident and then this phone call.  It would have been so easy to go with it.  I'm so grateful that I was able to just stop and think.  I actually initially did believe it was real,  but I have such distrust of technology,  that I needed to speak to a real person,  in a real storefront bank.  

So I'm slightly hysterical but so grateful that my son is fine and so is my bank security! I also feel that bad things come in threes (complete superstition,  I know, but it feels true) and that I've broken my current terrible run with not falling for this phone scam. 

Raising children into today's world

I just had a deeply concerning reading for a woman whose child is addicted to youtube kids videos.  I had never seen such videos (they sound benign on the face of it,  kids playing with toys,  kids opening toys)

And then,  the very next day,  I see this article in the New York Times - When a Child's Life Becomes the Family Business.  It was like it was explaining the other side of the reading. 

I do think many of us are too connected to our phones (and I'm in there with the 'us'.)   And I know kids can be annoying and irritating and demanding,  and giving them access to a youtube station by kids and for kids can feel like a safe fix.  But everyone's brains are developing in this scenario and kids watching other kids getting avalanches of toys can make them feel a) less than and b) want more and more. 

So my suggestions are to go slow and limit screen access, encourage real world connections, and talk to your kids.  Get them to help with cooking - a real world activity with the benefits of creating dinner! I know this takes energy, and the kids themselves may fight you on this,  but if we give them good enough alternatives,  then the fighting eases.  Also if none of this works,  please do some research and go and see a professional!  

I don't think there is a simple answer. Even my son says he is grateful he isn't 12 today.  The world is complex and changing more than we realize and we have to tread carefully...  

Finding new work

Did a reading for a woman who had drastically changed jobs (from high end finance to working in an art gallery,) only to discover that the new job did not suit her at all. 

Would she find better work?

She drew the Knight of Swords / Chariot  / 3 of pentacles

Right now she is angry, and riding with that anger but not going in the direction she wants.  However,  if she just lets her intellect guide her, and pull those opposing horses in the right direction,  she will get to creative and harmonious work.

I do love how the cards answer her question.  

Often when we take a risk,  we expect it to pay off immediately.  But the transition from high finance job to art gallery sales was too big a leap.  Also,  she focused on the word art,  but the job focused on the word sales,  and she found that she loves art but hates selling.   

So that's her Knight of swords,  she felt almost duped by the decision she had made.   However the Chariot is a card of strength of will,  where she pulls her will on her future and then she gets to what she wants.  The three of pentacles is an excellent outcome card around the area of work/career. 

We were both pleased by the outcome and I look forward to seeing how it all went,  when she comes for her next reading. 

(The readings are all real, and the cards drawn are all true,  but I change some identifying details to make sure that everyone's privacy is respected.) 

Nine of Cups

New York is a city that invites you to always want more and also,  to make you feel that you never have enough.   It's across all financial stratas.  You want a great bag,  your friend has two.   You want a great holiday,  all your friends are going to Italy or Iceland (didn't pick those at random,  literally everyone I know in New York has been to either and some to both.)  You want a Picasso,  your friend has a Picasso and a better summer house.

This leads us to the 9 of cups.  This card is not about about wealth,  but about contentment.  It's a real gift to be happy with what you've got.  The 9 of cups shows a plumpish man,  sitting with so many cups behind him,  happy with this stash.  He's not mourning some missing cup (though,  of course,  there may always be a missing cup)  But instead he feels the fullness of having enough.

In these social media times,  it's so easy to feel that you don't have enough!  I invite you to meditate on the many beautiful versions of the 9 of cups that are out there,  and give yourself the very real gift of contentment.  Be aware of where your wealth lies, and let yourself feel gratitude for that. 

Is Meritocracy a trap?

2024's new year's resolution was to read/view something interesting and new to me at least once a month,  and just think about it for a while.  Since then I've been putting up all sorts of weird pieces about cultural phenomena that I am reading about. 

This year,  2026,  I'm going to keep this going,  as I enjoyed the many conversations I had both with clients and friends about my reading adventures. 

Starting here with the idea of a meritocracy.  Raising a child in NYC,  meritocracy is a topic close to many a parents' heart. Middle school selection/choice,  high school and then omg,  College selection.  You could talk for months about it!  And all sorts of weird quirks came out, as parents stressed about getting their children the best leg up. 

Here's a really interesting conversation between Eliza Filby and Daniel Markovits about what is happening to the middle class as the wealthy get much wealthier and everyone else does not... They are articulating thoughts I've had myself and gave me a lot of clarity.  I also fell down a rabbit hole and listened to even more interviews with Daniel Markovits,  who is a genuinely interesting thinker. 

Just Give me a Sign

Poor woman.  She came to me for a reading,  and the cards just hated the man she had recently started dating exclusively.  She drew The Devil,  Judgment reversed,  10 of swords. 

So we spoke for a long time about him and her feelings and how she wants it to work.  The cards were really clear,  and they did not see it working. 

And just before we ended,  she said to me that her friends don't like him and her therapist doesn't like him but she wanted to speak to a psychic,  and now I didn't like him (I don't know him! I just told her what the cards told me.)  She feels we are all being unsupportive and she is going to keep seeing him,  anyways. 

I felt like I was watching Steve Martin,  the The Man with Two Brains

She's getting all the signs,  she just doesn't want to hear them! I finally told her to come back in 6 months,  and we'll see where she is from there.  I know she is going to be disappointed in him,  but me knowing,  and her believing are two different things... 

My Tarot Beginnings

I've had a few new clients lately who have asked me how I got into tarot.  

So when I was a young teen,  I would play cards with my grandmother,  and after a bit,  I could shuffle like a card shark, the cards just sliding through my fingers.  One of her friends said I had an affinity for the cards and should learn tarot.  

And what teenage girl doesn't want to have magical insight?  So I went off and bought the first deck I could find - a Rider Waite Smith pack,  and with the little paper booklet,  started looking at the cards.  It felt overwhelming,  but it's really only 78 cards and after a while they became more familiar. 

I stumbled across  - The 78 degrees of Wisdom,  by Rachel Pollack. She has such a deep and intuitive understanding of the tarot,  and I learnt a lot from her!  I was very sad to hear of her passing in 2023.

I bought other books and many other decks,  but really it was Rachel's understanding that underpinned my own knowledge of the tarot. 

I soon realized that it was one thing to have a deep understanding of one card,  but it was another entirely to see it alongside other cards - like knowing one musical note,  and then hearing an orchestra,  each new note bringing a different depth to the sound.  So it's not enough to know the 78 cards,  it's seeing how they lie next to each other,  how many of each suit,  what suit is missing,  all major arcana,  or all minor cards,  each has a different meaning depending on its context within the reading. 

And once I understood that,  my readings really took off.  I became far more accurate,  far more insightful. 

I've been reading cards for decades now (this blog was started in 2009 and I was an experienced reader then!) And I always start with the Celtic Cross,  which is a layout that just speaks to me.  And having seen thousands of them over the years,  I still get unfamiliar variations which jolt me,  or see the same cards coming to regular clients,  even with years between readings.  One client always drew the Queen of Wands for herself,  and in all our readings together,  that Queen always appeared.  

So if you want to explore the cards more,  I recommend around here, on this blog,  as well as Rachel's book,  and wish you a grand adventure.  One caveat - I can never read for myself.  I shuffle and look for me and all I get is mud.  So if you find you can't read for yourself,  don't worry.  It's like looking in the mirror.  You need a bit of distance to get clarity,  and it's very hard to look at ourselves that clearly. 

Heated Rivalry and the Corrective Experience

Okay,  okay,  I'm completely watching Heated Rivalry.  In my viewing experience I just found it delightful but also weirdly healing and I was looking for words to explain it and I came across Esther Perel talking about it

I just loved how she explains how every terrifying/bad experience in the show, turns out to have the best possible outcome.   How there are no bad consequences but instead each is met with a corrective experience.  And that was such a beautiful explanation,  and it really spoke to me. 

It's what we so want,  when life gives us pain,  that it will also heal us.  And it's a lovely explanation as to why the show resonates with people so much.  It's so hopeful (and hot) and sweet (and hot.) 

If you haven't seen it,  it's very explicit,  but also very romantic and fun.  Perfect antidote for the way the outside world is behaving right now. 

Weird Habits

I was reading on threads about weird personal habits and one person said they like  showering in the dark.  My shower has no window,  so I shower by candle light.  I find it really soothing.  I have a friend who showers to classical music.  I think adding a bit of luxury to something you do every day is a gift to yourself.  Also,  it reminds me of this beautiful version of the High Priestess.   So give yourself a bit of High Priestess energy,  and do something small and luxurious,  just for you... 

Current Favorite Poem

At lunch today a friend told me that she was reading the poetry of Erica Jong.  And straight away, not having read any of her works for years,  I said the one about housework? 

Here it is,  in case you haven't read it:

Woman Enough

Because my grandmother’s hours

were apple cakes baking,

& dust motes gathering,

& linens yellowing

& seams and hems

inevitably unraveling

I almost never keep house

though really I like houses

& wish I had a clean one.

 

Because my mother’s minutes

were sucked into the roar

of the vacuum cleaner,

because she waltzed with the washer-dryer

& tore her hair waiting for repairmen

I send out my laundry,

& live in a dusty house,

though really I like clean houses

as well as anyone.

 

I am woman enough

to love the kneading of bread

as much as the feel

of typewriter keys

under my fingers

springy, springy.

& the smell of clean laundry

& simmering soup

are almost as dear to me

as the smell of paper and ink.

 

I wish there were not a choice;

I wish I could be two women.

I wish the days could be longer.

But they are short.

So I write while

the dust piles up.

 

I sit at my typewriter

remembering my grandmother

& all my mothers,

& the minutes they lost

loving houses better than themselves

& the man I love cleans up the kitchen

grumbling only a little

because he knows

that after all these centuries

it is easier for him

than for me.

Just in Time vs Just in Case

Just in Time (JIT) and Just in Case (JIC) are phrases used in logistics,  especially for manufacturing. JIT wants the products to arrive just in time,  as needed,  meaning less costs for storage and more streamlining.   JIC,  wants the products sitting there waiting,  just in case of need,  where you pay more because you have them longer before using them,  but you have built in protection if something goes wrong. 

I am so a Just in Case kind of gal.  I think all mothers are - you take an extra change of clothing - just in case it's needed.  Yes your carry bag is bigger,  but you are relaxed and carefree because even if there is a huge unexpected throw-up,  you're covered.

It also worked for me really well during Covid,  because I actually did have 2 of those enormous packs of toilet paper hiding the in the cupboard (they are so much cheaper when you buy them that way, and they can't go off,  why not have two lots of 48 toilet rolls?) 

My pantry is full of weird jars and cans,  but it means we never run out of staples and can bake a hummingbird cake any day of the week (oil based rather than butter,  so you really can make it solely from pantry products.)

I don't think one is better than the other, though the logistics world is definitely selling Just In Time as the savvier option. I think one may suit your personality more than the other.  I couldn't force myself to be a just in time person,  I would be stressed and anxious.  And I don't mind over packing (I had friends tell me with great pride that they flew to Europe for 2 weeks with only carry on luggage,  and I just thought - why,  why was that even a goal?) 

So using that other great phrase - your mileage may vary (ymmv) let yourself work within the system that suits you best! 

When casual conversation touches a nerve

Often social chit chat leaves a lot to be desired.  People who don't know you,  just cast about for a topic and chose...  So what do you do? When you are unemployed and feeling vulnerable about it.  Or,  so are you dating anyone special? When you are single and don't want to be.  I tried for many years to become pregnant.  I can't tell you how many weddings/family events I went to where distant uncles and aunts asked me why I wasn't pregnant,  what was going on.  After about 5 years,  I finally said to them,  I'm doing all I can,  it's in God's hands now. And then they backed off. 

Often they don't want to hurt you or hit your bruise.  They are just chit-chatting away.  And it's up to you how real you want to be.  You can socialize back,  saying nothing real,  nothing substantial.  Maybe there is nothing to say to those folks.  Or you can make it real,  but end up feeling even more vulnerable and misunderstood if they don't respond back in a sensitive way.  You can stop going out with those people,  though many of them are well meaning and new strangers might also ask,  so what do you do...

When people come to me with these issues,  I say you have to practice what you are going to say in each situation - to the stranger at a party,  to the friend of a friend,  to  your mother.  Each person/situation might merit a different answer,  a different level of truth.   But I do encourage people to say something real,  rather than out and out lie.  It's hard to keep lies alive,  takes effort and energy and most people don't feel better after lying.  

So you find the way to phrase it so it works for you, keeping as true as you can.  Also,  I never ask people what they do,  I ask how's it going?  What are you up to?  Let's train ourselves in better questions,  so we don't inadvertently touch other people's nerves. 

Edited to add:

While online I came across a conversation where people were lamenting the awful,  where are you from, which can sound anything from interested to condescending to racist.  And one person suggested asking,  where's home for you?  which is a much better phrasing and allows for all sorts of answers and doesn't press any buttons. So that's what I am going to do from now on. 

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again - when we are starting a fresh page and have all sorts of intentions we wish to honor and new behaviours we wish to keep.  Here's a nice article about how to make new habits stick. 

Katy Milkman is right that some habits take longer to 'stick' than others,  and that temptation bundling (which I think of as rewards) can be super helpful.  Also,  the easier it is to do a new thing, the more likely you are to do it.  So get that food delivery order,  so that you can eat cheaper and better at home.  Join the gym at the end of your street.  I always tell people that the best exercise for you is the one you are willing to do. So it doesn't matter what the experts say,  listen to your body.  If you love dancing,  join a dance class.  If you hate weights,  don't do them.  I'm an aqua aerobics girl all the way,  and I've been going 3 times a week more or less,  for years now.  I know I should do more weights,  but I hate those classes.  Go to the classes,  go at the times that work for you.  

So if you are making resolutions to try new habits,  build the time into your schedule,  scaffold yourself up and I wish you all the best for the New Year.