When casual conversation touches a nerve

Often social chit chat leaves a lot to be desired.  People who don't know you,  just cast about for a topic and chose...  So what do you do? When you are unemployed and feeling vulnerable about it.  Or,  so are you dating anyone special? When you are single and don't want to be.  I tried for many years to become pregnant.  I can't tell you how many weddings/family events I went to where distant uncles and aunts asked me why I wasn't pregnant,  what was going on.  After about 5 years,  I finally said to them,  I'm doing all I can,  it's in God's hands now. And then they backed off. 

Often they don't want to hurt you or hit your bruise.  They are just chit-chatting away.  And it's up to you how real you want to be.  You can socialize back,  saying nothing real,  nothing substantial.  Maybe there is nothing to say to those folks.  Or you can make it real,  but end up feeling even more vulnerable and misunderstood if they don't respond back in a sensitive way.  You can stop going out with those people,  though many of them are well meaning and new strangers might also ask,  so what do you do...

When people come to me with these issues,  I say you have to practice what you are going to say in each situation - to the stranger at a party,  to the friend of a friend,  to  your mother.  Each person/situation might merit a different answer,  a different level of truth.   But I do encourage people to say something real,  rather than out and out lie.  It's hard to keep lies alive,  takes effort and energy and most people don't feel better after lying.  

So you find the way to phrase it so it works for you, keeping as true as you can.  Also,  I never ask people what they do,  I ask how's it going?  What are you up to?  Let's train ourselves in better questions,  so we don't inadvertently touch other people's nerves. 

Edited to add:

While online I came across a conversation where people were lamenting the awful,  where are you from, which can sound anything from interested to condescending to racist.  And one person suggested asking,  where's home for you?  which is a much better phrasing and allows for all sorts of answers and doesn't press any buttons. So that's what I am going to do from now on. 

Parenting

Lately I've been having quite a few readings where people come to talk to me about their adult children.  

One sweet regular client was quarreling with her 24 year old son,  who had somehow not moved out of home.   I said to her the line that I often say to my own son - I'm here to raise an adult,  not to grow a child.  So if you don't make it to adulthood something is wrong. 

I don't want them to fight and her to throw him out,  he couch surf for a few weeks or months and then return home, for the cycle to repeat (as has happened.)  I want them to sit calmly and for her to say with love in her heart,  I'm not throwing you out,  but I'm worried that you continuing to live here and for us to become resentful of each other is a bad cycle,  and with only love in my heart,  I'm letting you loose,  so you can find your feet in the world. 

She said that they really need to have that discussion (she had drawn lots of swords around their situation,  it was really affecting her emotionally) and hopefully with this reading she has a way to start it.

Preparedness and Luck II – Life Lessons

So I wrote about Preparedness and Luck and realized something was missing from it. Sometimes we decide we want or need something and life doesn't give it to us.  It can be the extreme – I want an Oscar and a movie star career – or completely ordinary – I want a baby.  Whatever it is, the desire is heartfelt and true, but the reality doesn't come. 

Now we have to ask ourselves, why are we not getting what we so desire? The baby is actually a better example than the Oscar and fame – actually very few people get Oscars and fame, but the vast majority can have babies, if they want.  So if that is your wish, why can’t you have it?  

Ariel Brearly,  Eve Interrupted

Then you have to ask the difficult questions – what is the life lesson I am expected to learn here?  I have preparedness but luck isn't coming to me, there is something I need to learn.  It will be a struggle to learn,  because most life lessons are.  But whether it is acceptance or dealing with control issues, or even that you are not with the right person, (this is not to imply by any means that this is your particular story, these are just random examples) or whatever lesson that you need to learn around this area, the issue will not resolve, the luck will not come, until the lesson is learnt.  

Shuranda Ann Kumara,  Compassion Hug

But it also means, once the lesson is learnt, that particular issue goes away, and your energy starts to flow the way you want it to again,  until the next life lesson emerges.