Find the good stuff

"When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life, for there is in London all that life can afford." So said Samuel Johnson, man of many literary accomplishments, including writing the very first dictionary.

Sometimes I feel like that about the internet - there are so many jewels,  so much wit,  so many clever thoughts!  And also, so much nonsense,  so much actual awfulness,  so much stupidity.  So while it's hard to be bored,  it can also feel hard to be engaged.  

I'm reading so much enraged triggering stuff - it's like people want to be enraged and triggered.  And then I read fabulous pieces - by Lane Anderson at the Matriarchy Report,  and or at  the Great Perhaps by Kim Foster  and I feel so happy and engaged and provoked out of my comfort zone but in a thoughtful and enriching way.   

So I guess like London,  the internet is full of jewels and wonders,  and full of sewerage and idiots,  and it's up to us to find the good stuff... 

Get It in Writing

So a client was talking to me about her work dynamics and she said something so clever I have to repeat it here.

Every time she has an important conversation with management,  or a client,  she writes a thank you email.  Something like - thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me about X today,  your insights were really helpful.  I've clarified that I need to do Y and Z.  I'll start doing that today.  

Or simple words to that effect - which get a written, time stamped confirmation of the talk,  and in effect,  'get it in writing'.  Most times she just gets a 'glad I could help', sometimes she gets further clarification. It's never back fired on her,  but it's a graceful way to get the conversation confirmed in writing.

They're always telling us to get everything in writing.  Here's a simple and elegant way to do so! Also - send that email to your home email as well, so you have access to it even after you leave work... 

Gift of Aging

Most of my clients are under 40.  I'm definitely older.  But there are benefits of aging,  and sometimes I say to them things I wish were said to me,  when I was their age.

In my youth I was so aware of what other people thought or did, and if I fit in and how I fit in, and if they would think I was weird and what it all meant.  So easy to overthink,  and quite exhausting! 

Now,  far less pretty but much more assured,  I'm just me.  I don't care what others think,  and if someone has something to say about my behaviour,  I listen but don't take it on board if I don't agree.  And I can take things on board if I do agree.  It's a gift to know that you don't have to know everything;  that you can give yourself permission to grow and learn and that you know,  deep in your bones,  that you are not perfect and that it's okay. 

Maternal Ambivalence

I went to a talk recently by Dr Margo Lowy,  about her book,  Maternal Ambivalence,  the loving moments and bitter truths of motherhood.  She discussed how mothers are portrayed as endlessly giving and loving,  and any disappointment or rage or ambivalence that she may feel is immediately discounted or judged severely.  

And it got me thinking about ambivalence in general.  We want to be entirely positive or entirely negative about things.  Seeing shades of grey are not often permitted in our culture.  Something is unequivocally good,  or unremittingly bad.  But of course,  life isn't like that at all.  And the closer we are to someone,  the more we depend on them,  the more expectations we have,  the greater the capacity for disappointment and rage.  And if you are raging against a baby,  it's easier to talk yourself down - the vast majority of women are being the best parent they can be,  and though the level of best varies hugely,  very few women are actually careless and evil with their babies (some are,  of course,  but the vast majority are definitely not!)

But with adult relationships,  it's easier to rage,  and harder to talk yourself down.  I'm reading and seeing so much dysfunction in committed relationships lately,  and it's becoming so easy to walk away,  and it worries me.  Any long term married person will tell you there were ebbs and flows in the marriage,  good times,  even great times,  and bad times,  even awful times.  And they worked through it and now the marriage is much more good than bad.  But fewer are working through it, and maybe they shouldn't be worked through, maybe marriages should be allowed to fray.  

But I feel like we are losing something precious,  when we don't let ourselves feel ambivalence, or don't let ourselves know that all relationships,  including parent child relationships,  will have good times and bad,  and that if we work through the difficult,  boring,  enraging times,  we can come to something very good indeed. 

What does success look like

Did a tarot reading for a woman recently who asked me with tears in her eyes 'what does success look like?'  It's such a personal question.  Success can be anything,  depending on where you are coming from.  But many people read their success from the opinions of others - family and friends,  but also strangers.  Why are we giving people such power in lives?  People we may never meet,  people we actually don't like,  and somehow their opinion colors us. 

There's a wonderful card in the Tarot - the last card of the Major Arcana,  called the World Card.

When you draw it,  I say that you are not the center of the world, but the center of your own world,  you are comfortable in your own skin,  you feel you are in the right place at the right time. 

The world card,  that's what success looks like! 

Things I am not buying today

I read something on threads where a woman was saying how she fills her shopping cart and then never buys it.  I know how she feels. What I do is have a pinterest page called Things I am not buying today - and if I see something I like,  I grab that image and save it to that page.  And then a while later I look at it and see if I still need it. So often they go stale as they sit in the folder,  and it's easy to delete them.  Sometimes they don't,  and then I do the math and see if it's time to buy them.  I also have pinterest pages for other things I like to collect,  like teapots, or shoes. 

This works for everything except beads.  I can buy beads every day.  I don't,  but the desire never leaves. I have a  pinterest page of bead designs that excite me,  and I really do love it! 

Another thing is,  when you collect beads,  sooner or later you do have to do something with them and then one day you wake up and realize you have 57 necklaces,  and really, no one needs that many necklaces. Moving to creating bracelets does not help long term.  So I give them as birthday gifts.  Personal,  with the colors you love,  for an outfit I know.  And some people ask me why I don't sell them,  and I say,  you don't have to monetize everything.  Some things you can do just for love/joy.  

So let yourself go wild with a pinterest page of things you are not buying today,  it really does help,  and clients have fed back to me that it did make them feel less deprived and they really didn't need to buy most of it a month or so later.  And let yourself do crafts/ bake/ make - just for the sake of making. Share what you love,  and don't feel guilty if you are not hustling to make it something bigger.  Keeping you creative is big enough!