Burned haystack dating method

You know the old saying,  it's like finding a needle in a haystack?  Well, Jennie Young played with that saying and created the burned haystack dating method. Basically,  instead of painstakingly searching,  burn that haystack to the ground,  and voila,  a needle appears.

What it means is that she recommends being super selective with your dating apps,  using really strong filters and blocking anyone who doesn't fit your parameters.  Yes,  you may miss some good men,  but you will also miss a whole lot of chaff,  and you will get to your needle much quicker. 

She recommends radical honesty in your dating profiles - say what it is you really want - and stick to it.  If anyone offers things other than that (I really want kids should not match with I'm open to having  kids,  open is not a real match to really want.  Or I really want fidelity is not a match to I'm open to fidelity.) The goal of the profile,  according to her,  is to be a gatekeeper,  and to keep most people out.  

This of course,  depends on you really knowing what you really want.  It also depends on a certain depth of experience with dating.  Because I worry about people setting parameters too tightly.  I've worked in a dating agency and one thing I came to realize is that people really don't know what they want until it walks through the door.  They have a lot of thoughts about what they might want,  but they often surprise themselves.   

So if you really do know what you want,  and really have been on way too many dates and really finding the apps overwhelming,  then I recommend trying this method.  I absolutely agree with her that you should meet as soon as possible,  weeks of texting just soak up time and often go nowhere.   I've had some laughs with tarot clients over the years about it,  and have heard some success around it.

Pan Narrans

So I was reading (I'm always reading) and came across the concept of Pan Narrans.  It was originated by Terry Pratchett, Jack Cohen, and Ian Stewart when talking about Discworld in The Science of Discworld,  book II.

Basically it says that what makes homo sapiens extraordinary is not tool use,  plenty of animals use tools,  nor problem solving,  lots of animals can solve quite complex problems, or even basic communication.  What sets us apart is our ability to tell stories.  All sorts of stories - personal history,  national history,  fact and fiction. 

We can create what-if scenarios which allow us to get much more intricate in our problem solving.  According to them,  scientific research is basically advanced storytelling,  where we create ideas about the world and then test them to see if we were correct. 

We can describe our tools down the ages,  which allow for more complex tools to be created.  And when we developed writing,  one of our most advanced tools, we could recall more than one human mind could hold,  making our world bigger than our brains. 

Intrinsically we become the stories we tell ourselves.  About us personally,  about our history,  what we chose to remember/record and what we don't. 

So we are the storytelling animal and that is what sets us apart.  Thus they renamed Homo Sapiens,  to Pan Narrans,  the storytelling animal. 

The book Sapiens, by Yuval Harari,  covers much of the same ground.  As does the Science of Storytelling, by Will Storr. 

It's a great perspective and I think they are all right.   In tarot readings we examine the stories we tell ourselves about our lives and challenge them to see if they give us the outcomes we want, and what do to if we want different outcomes.  Stories have amazing power. 

Current favorite poem

I love poetry,  dense like truffle chocolate,  an amuse bouche that lingers for hours afterwards.  I read a lot of it.  Lots of it not great,  some of it very good and some just strike that perfect chord.  

The ones that strike, I put up here.  For you, but also for me,  so I can find them again,  so I can remember them

This latest one is by Jess Janz 

Enjoy! 

Confirmation Bias

Confirmation bias is such a slippery thing.  It's when you pay more attention,  notice and remember things which hold to your world view,  and find it harder to look at,  analyse or accept things which contradict your world view.  Basically you don't believe what you see,  but rather see what you believe.

In these turbulent times,  especially with algorithm derived news,  its very easy to find a bubble which just confirms what you already suspected.  Don't like X,  all your social media feeds to support that view.   Like X,  well, here is some commentary you will agree with. 

Which is why we have to be doubly sure that we are really listening when someone gives us information.  Don't just remember what felt true,  remember the doubts,  and see what truths they were holding.  But also,  be very careful what you are listening to,  because the world is in a strange liminal place right now,  and truth can feel hard to grasp. 

Amazing cards by Lise Abbadie 

5 of wands

I had the funniest exchange the other day.  My client had drawn the 5 of wands,  and I went into my usual description of it - there are people,  clashing with sticks,  but it's sticks, not swords,  so it's like a game of hockey,  and if you sit on the field and huddle,  it's terrifying but if you step up and grab and stick and play,  then it's just a game. 

And she said,  a field?  Hockey's on ice.  And then we had to have a cultural exchange.  As an Australian,  we played field hockey at school.  We had these long curved sticks and ran.  Ice hockey was a derivative of field hockey.  She wasn't sure about that,  and we looked it up on our phones.

"Well, I'll be," she said. "you learn something new every day!"

Shades of Green

I read somewhere that humans can differentiate between shades of green better than any other colour,  a gift from our hunter gatherer days, when knowing the difference between all the foliage meant eating well or dying. 

When I was living in downtown New York sometimes my eyes would hunger for the color green.  Now that I live in Sydney,  near 3 golf courses and a national park,  my eyes see all the shades of green every day I walk the dog,  and I'm so grateful. 

If you are feeling stressed,  go walk in some green - in New York, my favorite was Brooklyn Botanic Gardens.  You'll feel better,  I promise. 

Reframing judging yourself

People observe things and then blame themselves - or others.  But I like this reframing I saw online from Jacquelyn Tenaglia, who describes herself as a no bs therapist. 

❌ “You choose toxic people.”✅ Toxic people are everywhere. Letting them stick around is the issue.❌ “You stayed for too long.” ✅ Leaving is hard when toxic dynamics erode self-worth over time.❌ “You should’ve known better.” ✅ Hindsight can be 20/20.❌ “You ignored red flags.” ✅ Sometimes people don’t show their cards right away. Sometimes we choose familiar people over healthy ones. Or hope can obscure judgment. Learning to trust your instincts strengthens your ability to walk away sooner.

I say a lot of similar stuff to people at readings.  Especially about familiar people over healthy ones.  He feels really familiar,  can mean,  he feels like from my family,  which wasn't a good space for me... takes time to tease that one out!   Also hindsight is a bitch,  foresight is much harder to come to,  which is why tarot readings help...