When you meet someone new, and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations. And then you complain to your friends, and occassionally you realize, with shock, that what they are doing is really normal, and you are the odd one!
I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently.
Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family. Her family drops in on each other all the time, without so much as a text. She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it. His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet. He is starting to really dislike her mother, for her dropping by. The cards saw storms ahead.
I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms. He may make her a little more formal over time, she may make him a little more casual over time, but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can! It just takes communication.
Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really, that's a compliment. But he wants more notice. And that's fine too. Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by. There are solutions to be had here. But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad.
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