The Harvard Study of Adult Development

Every so often I do a deep dive on a cultural study/ idea that catches my attention.

Today I'm going to look at Robert Waldinger's work.  It's the longest ever scientific study of happiness, staring in 1938 and is still running today (Waldinger is the 4th and current director of the study!) 

This video is short enough (12 minutes) and describes the studies work. 

I think we all know that fame and money isn't where it's all at,  but this study uses a longitudinal scientific study to confirm what we used to know but are somehow losing that grounded knowledge - that what matters to us, to our health,  to our cognition,  to our own measure of our happiness,  is the quality of our relationships. 

 

I always say that I am a herd animal.  It's not about being extravert or introvert,  but an acknowledgement that people and my relationships to them are inherently important to me.  

I often write about friendship but I think I need to focus on loneliness a bit more.  To be in a high conflict primary relationship - either at home or at work,  takes a long term toll on your health and cognition. 

Spending time on quality relationships or time making close relationships better,  helps you feel good, both in the present and in the long term. They are definitely worth investing in and pay off better than fame or extreme wealth! 

Good advice from the internet

So many people come to me to talk about new love,  but just as many come to me to talk about established relationships that are going through a lull or bad patch. They want the cards to reassure them or to give them clarity.  And often the cards do, they have a deep perception about situations.

But people also come for some common sense.  And I have that too.  But I also collect what others say,  to add to my list of useful information.  

This came from a comments section in the New York Times from CarnW,  based in Switzerland:-

35+ years married. We learned a few things to keep us on an even keel...

1) decide if you want kids. Both really want them? Go for it. If either or both of you are undecided or reluctant, think long and hard. Kids are wonderful but also highly stressful. We both realized that we'd rather have dogs. 2) get a professional cleaner. Too many couples fight way too much over household chores, esp when both have full time jobs. A bi-weekly maid service can be better than counseling :-) 3) marriage is not a competition. Think "we" first, then "I". It's not always easy. Sometimes you do have to give way and your partner should do the same for you (but avoid score-keeping). 4) I don't recommend seeking this out but .... have a life-threatening event that shows you how stupid it is to sweat the small stuff. My husband was assaulted, sustaining a fractured skull & TBI: 4 months in hospital & neuro rehab. We hit the reset button big time, learning to dial back on minor things that can get easily blown out of proportion (the neuro rehab center provided counseling to both of us; it was very valuable). 5) pre-marital advice: be very careful about getting into a deep relationship with someone who has addictions: drugs, alcohol, porn, gambling, whatever. Sadly, that's a relationship minefield.

All this is deeply practical and good advice.  I often tell people,  that if they can afford it, I recommend a cleaner.  That stops all sorts of arguments before they happen.  But the line about kids is the most important.  Most things are not irrevocable - you can move to different cities,  buy and sell houses,  change citizenship,  get married,  get divorced.  But you can't change the parent of your child. That's a life long commitment. Think very carefully before you have a child with someone, because that is an irrevocable decision.