The Harvard Study of Adult Development

Every so often I do a deep dive on a cultural study/ idea that catches my attention.

Today I'm going to look at Robert Waldinger's work.  It's the longest ever scientific study of happiness, staring in 1938 and is still running today (Waldinger is the 4th and current director of the study!) 

This video is short enough (12 minutes) and describes the studies work. 

I think we all know that fame and money isn't where it's all at,  but this study uses a longitudinal scientific study to confirm what we used to know but are somehow losing that grounded knowledge - that what matters to us, to our health,  to our cognition,  to our own measure of our happiness,  is the quality of our relationships. 

 

I always say that I am a herd animal.  It's not about being extravert or introvert,  but an acknowledgement that people and my relationships to them are inherently important to me.  

I often write about friendship but I think I need to focus on loneliness a bit more.  To be in a high conflict primary relationship - either at home or at work,  takes a long term toll on your health and cognition. 

Spending time on quality relationships or time making close relationships better,  helps you feel good, both in the present and in the long term. They are definitely worth investing in and pay off better than fame or extreme wealth! 

Adult Friendships

I've met quite a few women going through divorce (perfect time for a tarot reading!) who talk about friendships.  They were part of a couple,  and knew other couples,  and now they are single and they don't fit as comfortably with their old couples,  some of whom are still seeing the ex,  and what do they do?

I agree that it's hard to maintain friendships after a big life change - you get divorced,  your couple friends still see him and the new partner (even worse if she was the affair partner!) 

It all depends on how much work you want to put into it. 

I have changed countries three times,  each time having to build an entire new friendship network,  under very different circumstances,  so I know how tricky it can be. 

I think we need all kinds of friends.  People with whom we can be deeply emotionally intimate, who know our history.  People we see daily,  often at work,  who we can rely on or who make the day more fun (huge bonus if they are both!)  People we see at the gym and have coffee with afterwards.  People who will go with us to our obscure interest.  People who go dancing with us. 

Having only a few friends to meet all of our myriad needs can be too straining for them and for us.  I have quite a few,  distinct circles of friends and acquaintances.  This allows me to balance out my needs and shift with them.  I have dog walking friends,  I have gym buddies,  I have work friends,  and distant cousins who are always good for some gossip!  I have friends I tell my secrets to and others to discuss politics.   Sometimes I can meet their needs,  sometimes they can meet mine,  and together we can swim through our days - which is what we need friends for! 

Friendship is important to me,  so I've put time and energy into it, and in the 7 years since I've returned to Australia,  I have built some solid, fun friendships.  It's not instant,  but it definitely flowers over time.