All about love

There are a few motifs that emerge when you do a lot of tarot readings.  And finding love is definitely one of them. 

I read this article - The Dating Market is Getting Worse - in the Atlantic a while ago (2020)  and reread it again recently and found it fascinating. 

I have two longish anecdotes about dating.  

In olden days - when women started writing about finding an affectionate partner,  as well as a 'suitable one' - I'm looking at you Jane Austen -  you would go to a Ball, or have a season in town,  and be introduced to who ever was available at that time.  (Of course this is only for the gentry.  The working class just had who ever was in the village or passing through,  but at lets stick with the upper class for a moment.)  

Whoever you met at the ball,  on some level,  had already been vetted.  They were matched, more or less, on education,  class,  social standing,  life goals, religion etc.  So if there was sexual attraction,  that was a green light for marriage.  

However,  nowadays,  when you meet at a pub/club,  or even more so, on line,  nothing much has been vetted.  You don't know their past,  their education level,  their social standing or anything else.  So if you are sexually attracted,  that is one of the connectors,  but not the only one and maybe not even the strongest one.  So Sexual Attraction - is essential but by no means the only factor to assess.  Which is why so many relationships/dates based on sexual attraction falter.  The sex works,  but the value system,  the life goals,  the conversations - they aren't working so well.  It takes time (all our twenties?) to figure out that attraction is not enough,  we need more.  

And that leads me to anecdote number two.  In NYC in particular,  but really,  anywhere with an internet, which is everywhere,  there is a sense of choice, that there are plenty of fish in the sea.  Don't like this fish,  throw it back in and cast your net again.  Again,  in your college years or early twenties,  that's not too difficult.  There really are lots of people in your cohort in the same situation.  

But as supermarket studies show,  too much choice can be overwhelming.  The Great Jam Sample experiment showed that when offered 24 samples,  people were more likely to try,  but less likely to commit. And also,  oddly, less happy with their choice if they did actually buy one.  If only 6 samples were displayed,  there was less buzz around the table,  but those who did try,  were much more likely to both buy and be happy with their purchase.   I extrapolate this to dating and many New Yorkers agree with me.  Too much choice can make things harder. 

Also, it is an absolute truth,  that there is always the chance that someone funnier,  richer and perhaps better looking could be in the next room.  So if I chose X,  but then meet Y,  what do I do?  That's why dating is so hard.  There's no history,  no glue holding you together yet,  and the temptation of the better person is the next room can be so strong.  

That's why dating requires a certain level of emotional maturity (age has nothing to do with it.)  An awareness of possibilities but also realities,  of what is too great a compromise,  but also,  what is worth sitting with and starting to build upon.  There is no perfection,  but there are people who will bring out the best in us,  who we will bring out the best in them,  and we can grow stronger and better together.  And that's worth going through the dating process to find!