Saying of the week

I love this saying and use it often:

If you want to go fast,  go alone.  If you want to go far,  go together

It is so much easier and faster to do things by yourself.  But if you always doing things by yourself,  it can get exhausting and lonely.  We can do it for a bit,  but I certainly couldn't do it for long.

To get far,  you need some support,  you need people on the journey with you.  So find your tribe,  and get going!

(of course finding your tribe can be a whole 'nother story. I'll do a seperate blog about that,  in the meantime you can read this one about friendship.)

Crying and feeling healed

I'm meandering through the internet,  as I often do.  I have a big family event on soon and am taking a break from the relentless planning and doing.  It's all on my shoulders,  as things often are of late.  So I'm a little resentful,  even though the event will be wonderful.

So I'm reading a bit here and there and come across this column from Dear Sugar: The Obliterated Space,  written in 2012. 

And now I'm crying,  and I'm emptied from my petty resentments and I'm aware of things much bigger than me, much better than I'll ever be,  and I'm comforted and hurting and in pain and calmer. 

The article is about grief around death - for one a mother who only lived to 45 and the other a son who only lived to 22. So be prepared for that.  So you'll cry.  But it's also beautiful.  What do we do with pain and grief and rage and loss and how do we live with it.  It's like a soft acid bath that burns away the dross and leaves you with gold.  

This is what the internet is really for - for reaching out and connecting and seeing situations and people in new lights,  seeing yourself in a new light.  

Before taking on commitments ask these 3 questions

When someone asks you to do something for them,  ask yourself these three questions:

Can I do it?

Am I willing to do it?

Will I feel resentment if I do it?

I think these questions are so important.  There are things I can't do,  things I can do but am not willing to do,  things that just make me feel resentful. If I feel resentful or not willing,  is the outcome worth it?  

Recently I did a complicated government form application,  which relied on me having done several other simpler government form things earlier in the year.  I had to do it, there was no one else who could do it for me.  So I broke it into the smallest possible tasks and started with them.  As things grew more complex,  at least I had all the simple stuff done and accurate.  It took me over 6 months,  and then it was done.  I did feel exhausted and resentful during the process,  but then afterwards,  I felt overwhelmingly grateful that it was done,  done well,  done successfully.  

Sometimes people ask for help and I have to say,  I'm so sorry,  I just don't have the bandwidth for that now.  Sometimes people ask for help,  and I say,  sure,  let's do it now.  But I do ask myself these three questions.  And if I will feel resentment,  I ask myself what other options do I have?  Can I deal with this feeling? Is the end result worth it?  If it's not,  then don't do it!

All images from the wonderful This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rothman

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind

I'm always happy to read Brene Brown.   She says she originally heard it the line in a 12 step program,  but she's adopted it in her own inimitable way. 

When I first moved to NYC people warned me that they would be brusque and unhelpful,  but compared to Australians,  most American's,  even New Yorkers,  are more kind and evasive than clear and direct.  Especially corporate America.  All one thing to your face,  another once you've left the room.  

But I really value clarity.  I always say I'd like a hard truth than a soft lie.  At least there is something solid with the truth.  And you being clear,  that let's me know where I stand.  If you are unclear,  how am I to know what you mean?

I have so many women come to me for tarot readings asking about men they've dated.  Men who have been unclear to the point that the women have no idea what is going on.  It would be so much kinder,   had they been clear.  Unclear is definitely unkind for many people. 

So next time you avoid being clear,  remember this line - clear is kind,  it's better to have one uncomfortable conversation and see what's going on, than evade and never get to knowing. 

Mismatched sex drives

So readings come in waves for me.  Sometimes they are all about work.  This time,  they've been about marriages and mismatched sex drives.  I find it so interesting that people from all around the world can come to me with the same problems.

So I talk to them about appetites.  Imagine always being hungry,  you only get to eat once a week.  And even if the food is delicious,  you know you are not getting any more after that.

Or imagine always being overfed.  You are full,  you feel bloated,  and here is another meal - still delicious but now it feels nauseating.  You just don't want to eat! why can't they understand that.

When I put it into food,  people start seeing what I am saying.  There is nothing morally wrong or superior about being always hungry or always full.  It's just a different drive alignment.  The trick is how to handle it within the marriage.  

When I gave this analogy one client said,  yes,  he never lets me get hungry for it! If only I could have the time to get hungry,  we'd both enjoy it more.  And the other client said I always feel like I'm starving and I'm starting to feel resentful.  They could see the picture clearly. 

Now what to do?

Well,  that's a really complicated question and each couple has to come up with it's own answer.  I'm strongly against force feeding!  But some people correlate affection with sex,  and can't have one without the other,  which leaves everyone dissatisfied.  And I do want both parties within the marriage to be satisfied.  Sometimes just having non sexual terms to discuss the issue, makes it less heated and more objective.  Let's start with that and see what individual answers we can find,  without judgement or blame. 

Late night sleeplessness

The New York Times and I are in perfect sync!  I'm sleeping really badly lately and I know my sleep hygiene is not good,  I'm reading too late,  I'm playing my stupid game. But my new bad issue is that I finally fall asleep,  and then I'm wide awake 2 hours later.  That's new and not good at all. 

So I just saw this article in the NYT on I can't Sleep.  Now What?,  which recommends 13 tips, all from experts.  I like the idea of flexing my toes.  Deep breathing never really works for me.  I feel someone else is controlling my breath and my agitation increases rather than decreases.  And listening to boring books/music - that really does work.  So I'm off to practice some new tips and hopefully will start sleeping through the night again.

Funny how something you used to do effortlessly is now hard and requires thought and action!  

Quick update - since writing this I remembered how I used to recommend Suntheanine from Natural Factors,  and it really does work for me.  I don't get a cut if you buy it,  it's just a recommendation.  I have tried other brands,  but the Natural Factors works best for me.  So sleeping better! 

Wishing you a good night's sleep too... 

Retirement

People often come to me when they have times of transition.  One of the bigger transitions people can have is retirement.  All our lives we've had purpose,  reasons to be get out of bed and do things,  and all of a sudden,  we have choices.  For many of us that is unalloyed pleasure,  but for quite a few of us, that's a new and weird hardship.

I had a woman come to me,  she had been both a hard and smart worker,  she was divorced and wealthy with a really comfortable retirement and a paid off apartment.  But she was drawing the 8 of swords. She felt trapped and unhappy and didn't know why. 

She was tempted to go back to work,  but no one wanted to pay her what she felt was her due,  and she would not work for less.  

So we discussed hobbies and interests and giving it time.  But I also said,  people really need purpose. All her life she had been purposeful.  She had been in real estate,  which is a sharks game in New York City,  and had swum with those sharks!  But now she wasn't and that was pulling her down.  She didn't want to volunteer anywhere,  didn't want to do anything she felt demeaning.  

But then I said,  don't think of it as volunteering,  think of it as mentoring.  There are so many young women starting up in real estate,  who would so value an hour a week with you,  talking through their dilemmas,  listening to you.  You could be of real help to them.  And her face lit up.  Yes,  to be helpful, to feel respected,  to participate.  When framed the right way, she found she could volunteer and have purpose.  

I saw her quite a few years ago, and this year she reached out again,  unexpectedly.  She told me that she had given my name out to many, many people,  and that our reading had changed her whole attitude to retirement and given her a much better outcome than she had expected. 

So let yourself be open to new beginnings,  and to new purposes. 

Thought of the day

I read this on threads - someone said that this is what girls have learnt by the time they are 21 -

life is only worth living if you focus on your 

community, hobbies, and small joys

I have to confess that I did not know this when I was 21.  But I definitely know it now.  And how wonderful if young women are realizing it sooner! 

Moving

This is a bit of practical advice from someone who has moved countries several times and houses/apartments even more.

Last time we moved, we were changing countries, so it was a major move!  I booked an airbnb for 3 nights,  so we could pack furiously all day and then go sleep somewhere clean and organized at night.  That made all the difference!  I could pack the kitchen without worrying if we needed it for the next day.  I also cleaned the apartment myself afterwards and frankly,  next time I'm really going to get that professionally done. 

And then we shut the door and flew all the way to Australia.   

I tell people I loved New York passionately, until I didn't.  I was walking the dog at 11 pm just to have some empty space to walk through.  There is no doubt it is more exciting than Sydney,  with better culture and restaurants.  But Sydney is a softer,  saner place to live,  and as I grow older,  that matters more for me than the magnetism of New York.  Everything has it's season. 

Future you

I often say that we should live a life where future you will be grateful to present you.  This can be for huge things - future you is so gratified that you slogged through working fulltime and studying and that degree has really changed your life for the better. 

But it can also be for smaller things - future you is delighted that past you cleaned the kitchen! 

Today,  present me is so happy with past me,  who tidied her bedroom and changed her sheets.  I love having a clean bedroom so much.  So I'm grateful to myself for the efforts of this morning and looking forward to sleeping well tonight. 

Live in a way so that future you is happy with your contributions to your life.  

What to do with rage

I did a reading recently for a woman who just had some severe betrayals in her life - her husband slept with her sister.  But she didn't want to talk about him or even her.  She wanted to talk about what to do with her feelings of rage, which feel all consuming to her. 

Of course she is right to be enraged.  Anyone would be in her circumstances.  But it is also right that she sees that being consumed by rage is not helpful to her.  So in the first instance I said she has to stop focusing on them,  and on their actions, and just focus on her,  on what she is going to do.  

But the second thing I said to her was far more helpful (as she said to me.)  I said that anger/rage is just energy and as she knows what caused it,  it's like an alarm shrieking, making her unable to think clearly,  so now it's time to turn off the alarm and deal with the issue.  

But how to do that?  If  anger/rage is energy,  she has to dissipate that energy.  Go to the gym,  do some kickboxing,  do some anger workshops (beating a pillow with a soft bat,  I've run those workshops,  it really does help)  Don't try to calm yourself without letting go of the energy.  Do furious dancing,  leaping,  running.  Let the energy out.  And then,  only then,  can you think of the next steps. 

She said I was the only one who gave her something she can use.   So I'm happy for that.  I told her to come again in 6 months and we'll see what the future will bring.  In the meantime,  we have to deal with the present,  and get that energy out, so she can fight for herself cleanly and sanely.  

Intuition

What is intuition? 

A knowing without knowing how you know.  A sense about something without being able to qualify it.  

When I was a university we learnt about something called the Cocktail party Effect.  Basically if you are in a noisy environment,  and can't make out individual conversations,  you can still turn when someone says your name.  You are cued to hear your name and can make it out even though you would have said you couldn't hear what people were saying. Also, once you hear your name, you can zero in on that conversation and then hear what they are saying.

Essentially,  it's about filtration.  There is too much stimuli in this world,  especially in New York City,  and you can't pay attention to all of it,  so you filter.  But all it means is that you are listening to everything and then sweeping it away as not important, not worth giving energy to. But you are listening,  to see if it is important.  This actually works with all your senses. For example, this works with visual cues as well,  you are driving and can't look at everything, but you are still seeing things to assess if they are important or not,  and then letting go of what isn't important right now.  

And Intuition is when all the stimuli you swept away still gives you information. And when something else comes up,  all of a sudden that information that had been heard but not given attention, can be drawn up again.  

So the information/stimuli that was observed but not acted on,  is still there.  And you call it intuition when you get that stimuli says,  wait, this was important,  listen now.  And you don't know what it was, but if you listen to yourself,  you can start to tease it out.  And really, more often than not,  you are right.  It was worth listening to and you did need to pay attention. 

A tarot session gives you a moment of stillness,  to see the information and to make intuitive leaps. 

Different energy levels

Did a tarot reading for a woman who had just had a holiday weekend with her brother and his kids,  and it was relentless.  No naps,  no breaks,  just non stop fun/activities/ action for two days.  At the end,  she and her husband and two kids were wrecked.  She said to me,  she felt like she is failing.  She would never do that many activities on a normal break.  And she could tell,  by her nephews actions,  that this was all regular for them. 

I said people and families really do have different energy levels.  And maybe a family with 3 boys,  8 - 12,  just knows that if they don't run them ragged,  there will be tears before bedtime. (that strikes me as a very Australian phrase,  though I'm sure you know what I mean.)

Anyways,  people,  families,  groups have different energy levels and the trick is to make sure your family, person,  group is running at its optimum level and not comparing it to other groups.  This is from someone who when I have people over for Sunday brunch,  I am very grateful to nap in the afternoon and no way will I go out that night for dinner.  

How I do my tarot readings

Every so often I put up a blog piece like this,  explaining how I do my readings.

I've been writing this blog since 2009,  and had been reading tarot cards for many years before then. So I'm very familiar with the cards.

Tarot doesn't so much predict the future as describe the present.  So the cards say,  here's what going on,  and here's what going to happen if you keep doing what you are doing.   I recently said to someone it's pointing out the ingredients before you.  Don't like what it's cooking? Well, you can get different ingredients but that takes time and energy and planning.  And some patterns are very deep and hard to shift.  Sometimes I say to people,  your work energy is very strong,  let's focus on that for the time being,  let the other stuff go.  Or I'll see that your love energy is all consuming,  let's focus on that.  

But first,  you have to shuffle the cards.  For me,  all the magic is in the shuffling.  As I do most of my readings online, that means you need to access a deck.  You can buy or borrow one , but it has to be a proper tarot deck with 78 cards.  You move the cards,  you draw them out,  your fingers decide what's going to happen. If you are buying a deck,  I recommend the Rider Waite Radiant,  as a clear,  easy to read tarot deck.  But there are thousands of decks out there,  get one that speaks to you and I'll work with it. 

After you get your deck I recommend you shuffle every day for 3 or so days,  before the reading,  getting your energy into it.  Then when we skype/zoom/facetime or however we get to see each other,  the cards are warm and ready to be read. 

Firstly we lay out 10 cards,  into a spread called the Celtic Cross - like this picture.  Once we have all 10 cards out,  I do what I call a cold reading,  where I don't know what's going on for you and just tell you what I see.  That takes about 5-10 minutes.  Only after that do we begin discussing what you drew and what feels right,  and what needs more explanation.  We do this in the privacy and quiet of your home,  and I encourage people to record the readings, it's a lot of information and this gives you a chance to listen again and mull over it. 

The reading takes about an hour and costs $150.  Or I can do a shorter reading,  about thirty minutes,  for $80. 

Want to know more?  Explore the blog,  there's a lot to read here!  And then drop me a line - tribecatarotreader@gmail.com and we can set up an appointment.