I went to a talk recently by Dr Margo Lowy, about her book, Maternal Ambivalence, the loving moments and bitter truths of motherhood. She discussed how mothers are portrayed as endlessly giving and loving, and any disappointment or rage or ambivalence that she may feel is immediately discounted or judged severely.
And it got me thinking about ambivalence in general. We want to be entirely positive or entirely negative about things. Seeing shades of grey are not often permitted in our culture. Something is unequivocally good, or unremittingly bad. But of course, life isn't like that at all. And the closer we are to someone, the more we depend on them, the more expectations we have, the greater the capacity for disappointment and rage. And if you are raging against a baby, it's easier to talk yourself down - the vast majority of women are being the best parent they can be, and though the level of best varies hugely, very few women are actually careless and evil with their babies (some are, of course, but the vast majority are definitely not!)
But with adult relationships, it's easier to rage, and harder to talk yourself down. I'm reading and seeing so much dysfunction in committed relationships lately, and it's becoming so easy to walk away, and it worries me. Any long term married person will tell you there were ebbs and flows in the marriage, good times, even great times, and bad times, even awful times. And they worked through it and now the marriage is much more good than bad. But fewer are working through it, and maybe they shouldn't be worked through, maybe marriages should be allowed to fray.
But I feel like we are losing something precious, when we don't let ourselves feel ambivalence, or don't let ourselves know that all relationships, including parent child relationships, will have good times and bad, and that if we work through the difficult, boring, enraging times, we can come to something very good indeed.