Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor

I was talking to a client about how our difficulties serve to give us more depth, and she came out with "Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor."  

I loved it!  I'd never heard it before and she couldn't remember who said it,  but her father used to quote it often.   So after she left I looked it up.   Most commonly attributed to Franklin D Roosevelt,  32nd President of the United States,  who lead the US during WWII.

And there is always the idea that we battle difficulties - that we want smooth sailing,  we want things easy,  of course we do!  But our greatest life lessons,  they come from the difficult times,  and they test and temper us,  forging our steel to strength and sharpness.    Easy to say after the battle is over and the lesson learnt.  Harder to see while the storm is raging.  But also good to remember while the storm is raging -  life is change and the better I get at sailing through it,  the better my life will become. 

Cultural values

When you meet someon new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and sometimes you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad. 

Giving yourself some time and space

I had a reading where a woman in her 50's came in.  She had some hard cards.  She was trapped by the Emporer and had Justice Reversed in her hopes and dreams.   It turns out she had returned home to help her aging father who had alzheimers. (Best description of an Emperor/ Justice reversed  situation I've heard in some time!) 

Looking after him had turned her wands cards upside down, all her energy was going into keeping him safe and stable, but it left none for her.  

We had a long talk about caretaker burnout and compromises on her care,  to give her some space for self care.  But I was reassured by seeing the Magician as her outcome card.  She will mange to pull a rabbit out of her hat,  and it will be okay. 

Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in are just hard,  and there are few shortcuts.  Going to tarot card readers,  talking with friends,  having some fun - helps us remember the lives we can have.  It's always important to make time and space for relaxation and happiness. 

Great novels

I read a lot,  but never the books you'll find in book clubs.  I read romance,  science fiction,  post apocolypse and fantasy.  I read a lot and most of it is pretty good.  Books I'm happy to pass the time with,  books that I smile on rereading.

I read The Space Between Worlds when it first came out and really enjoyed it.  A lot of science fiction has superior writing - think of Ursuala le Guin or Margaret Atwood.  I hold Micaiah Johnson up to those standards.  The writting is excellent,  but what I reallly loved is what she did with the notion of the multiverse and how it works.  

I didn't know she had written a sequel,  I just stumbled across it on amazon.  So I reread The Space Between Worlds - love rereading! - then started the new book - Those Beyond the Wall.   Set in the same universe,  ten or so years later,  with some familiar characters but introducing the amazing Mr Scales.  I loved it even more.  

I don't want to give spoilers,  but I do want people who may be on the fence about science fiction or just buying a new book today a gentle nudge - go get this one.  Or at least read the reviews which are deep and thoughtful and show why you should immerse yourself in this gorgeous writing and fierce ideology today! 

Leonard Cohen

To celebrate Leonard Cohen's 90th Birthday (had he made it that long) we went to see a supremely talented Kletzmer fusion band, Monsieur Camembert perform his songs.  

It was just wonderful!  It was like being in a sound bath of gorgeous music (amazing interpretations!) and extraordinary singing.  And then there were the lyrics and Cohen's web of words that just spin you into another world. 

If you don't know his work,  he's one of a kind. Try this atlantic article for starters - The Anti Rockstar.  Dark, sad,  gorgeous,  self indulgent,  seeking,  pessimistic,  desiring contact and connection to the point of desperation.  Just amazing! 

I consider him a poet as much as a song writer and often love covers of his songs more than his orginals,  but he's a wonder and I'm glad he was in the world,  to give us his light to shine in the dark... 

Observe, don't Absorb

I know, I'm doing  too many catch phrase blogs lately - but catch phrases are so helpful!

I was talking to a woman who was being triggered by her family.  They've been dysfunctional for a long time and keep trying to drag her back into the game.  She is already low contact,  and doesn't want to cut them all off altogether. So I said,  you can observe their behaviours but you don't have to absorb their energy.  An invitation can be declined - they invite you into their dramas,  you observe but not absorb.  

She seemed to really like that,  so I'm offering it to you here - you don't have to absorb everything that is thrown at you.   I'm a great believer in energy work,  and this is a great description of how to deal with energy that is being thrown at you - you can observe it,  but don't take it on board and you definitely don't have to take it personally or feel that only you can fix it! 

Thinking about Loneliness

I came across this article - about an  interview between Elie Weisel and Oprah Winfrey in 2012. 

PROF. WIESEL: Sometimes [students] ask me, "What should we take away from your classes?" And a few times, I came up with a formula, which I'm not sure is always good. I said simply: "Look, whatever you do in life, remember: Think higher and feel deeper. It cannot be bad if you do that."

OPRAH: Mmm... that will be with me for the rest of my life: "Think higher." ...And what is it you most want the world to know?

PROF. WIESEL: That if there is one person on the planet who still is suffering from loneliness and from pain or despair, and we don't know about it, or we don't want to know about it, then something is wrong with the world.

OPRAH: And each of us, through our wanting to know and wanting the other person, whomever that is, to not feel alone.

PROF. WIESEL: That's exactly it. I cannot cure everybody. I cannot help everybody. But to tell the lonely person that I am not far or different from that lonely person, that I am with him or her, that's all I think we can do and we should do.

Here's more from both of them on Oprah's site

Sometimes I do readings for people who feel profoundly lonely and alone in their loneliness.   The tarot is about commonalities,  the threads that tie us all together.  In their readings, I try to emphasize those threads. 

I know that loneliness can lead to despair,  that despair can lead to hopelessness.  It's so important to challenge our feelings of loneliness,  to find where we connect to others,  to reach out.  Yes,  some people may disapoint us,  but not all...  and where there people with the wisdom and stature of Eli Wiesel around,  they can make us brave,  and we can feel that reaching out is worth the risk.