And baby makes three

So many women come to me when they are trying to become pregnant (we all agree, that 'fall' is such a dreadful term when you are doing everything you can and it's just not happening.) 

But many women also come to me once the baby is born,  and nothing is like they expected/ hoped for. 

When we move from a dyad - two people forming a pair bonding - to a triad - three humans forming a bonding,  all sorts of weird and wonderful things can happen. 

Dyads are easier,  because there is only you and one other to take into account.  Threesomes (those kinds as well) are much harder.  If we square 2,  we get 4.  But if we square 3 we get 9.  Many more possibilities.

And if the new human is tiny and demanding and frankly unreasonable,  it can upset the original dyad catastrophically. 

So when you have a baby,  lots of things change.  Not only the obvious,  but also the subtle interactions of the Dyad now rarely exist.  The Triad now dominates even if only 2 of them are in the room.  So the parent with the baby (most often the mother) can get resentful of the missing parent.  And even if both parents are together and the infant is with a trusted sitter,  the existence of the third,  still impacts the pair,  even when not present. 

Sometimes just pointing this out can help.  They can see the triangulations going on,  can catch the dynamics before they start splintering things.  

As always,  a little self awareness can go a long way...   

Dealing with Clutter

I know,  I know,  it's some new twenty first century phenonium.  Our great grandparents crossed continents with two sea trunks,  and we have so much stuff... everywhere!  So if you have too much,  and feel overwhelmed,  number one,  you are not alone in this!

And I know all the good questions - does it spark joy?  will you use it in the next 3 years?  Is it easily replaceable?

And I know and offer all the good suggestions - do a drawer a week,  nothing more than that but do it every week.  Write lists and follow through,  start with a space that really matters to you (around the computer,  makeup shelf,  coat closet - something that bugs you now.) Give your stuff to charity,  it's not trashing it,  it's giving it to someone in need.  Photograph it, collate it,  organize it.. 

And still,  sometimes you are just drowning in stuff.

I am lucky.  I've changed countries 4 times so I'm quite streamlined.  My one strong suggestion is put nothing into storage,  if it can live 10 miles from you,  you don't need it.  

Whatever you do,  just don't keep drowning in it.  One step at a time,  and a year later,  the place is cleaned.  Whenever I put my summer wardrobe in plastic boxes and bring my winter wardrobe out,  I go through my clothes,  the old,  the tired,  the tatty,  I let them go.   

So find a habit that works for you,  and just start.  I know,  this isn't the instant solution people want  (though I do know people who have hired declutterers to help them go through a room and be ruthless on their behalf. So if you are drowning,  you can get someone to help you.) But if you are doing it on your own,  it's a marathon, not a sprint,  give yourself time and breaks to get it done. 

April Fools

I actually hate pranks,  there's always an underlying cruelty to them.  I hate surprise parties - all day long you're sad that no one has remembered your birthday,  and then surprise,  everyone is there,  so you have to take all those disappointed feelings and throw them away and be cheerful and grateful.  I also hate performative gratitude.  I don't want to be forced to be grateful or thankful or humble.

Which goes to say,  no April Fools here today,  and no surprise parties either. But I do like giving and getting gifts for no reason, other than I saw it and thought of you...  Now those I like a lot! 

What are you watching?

In times of stress, my go to is TV crime dramas.  Even the most horrendous crimes,  that take 8 hours of viewing to complete,  has a solution at the end.  It's so satisfying that cleverness wins,  justice triumphs and the bad people are discovered and shamed.  

It's no wonder, the state of the world being what it is,  that I am bingeing on them right now.   And worse,  now I've signed up to BritBox,  I can see all the excellent British crime series and the choices are endless! Last one I watched was Karen Pirie,  very satisfying. 

At least I have my comfort TV, with its certainty and its cups of tea... 

Dating

If you go to the B symbol on the upper left hand side of this blog and write in Dating in the search box,  you'll get over 10 hits - posts I have written over the years about dating. 

Dating is one of the most common issues I get asked about.  People want to know if it is worth investing more time and effort into this newish relationship,  people wanting to know if their love partner is going to offer more,  people wanting to move to marriage, to move on,  to move out. 

And dating is a really good issue to bring to a tarot card reader,  the cards are usually crisp and clear.  I like this one - All about Love,  which includes my favorite Jam experiment and this one from 2014,  about OK Cupid. 

Also,  if you are interested in any particular tarot card,  go the search button,  type in the card name,  and get lots of information! 

So if you have any questions,  read the many posts I've already written,  and then text or email me and we'll set up a reading. 

Severance

The TV show Severance,  from Apple TV,  has a high concept - that they could somehow split people so what they do at work and what they do out of work do not connect.  It's fascinating and the first season was lighter in my eyes,  this season was more bleak.

But the NYT had a great article about it and how people can appear split right now - and in the comments someone from Seattle wrote I've come to the conclusion that we now have people divided into their normal self and their enraged social media self. The normal self, in most cases, shows restraint and courtesy and keeps opinions to itself. The social media self never questions "Should I say this?" they just blurt out vile vitriol.

And that was perfect for me! I do think we often have a split personality when it comes to social media and people I know and like have said some awful things, while strangers have said really vile things. And it is like there is some inside and outside split. I hadn't thought of it in the context of the tv show, but there really is a severance between how people act in the real world and how they act online. (Though how they act online is bleeding out into the real world right now, which is not a good thing at all!)

We have to work to stop the vile rhetoric online,  but also to present ourselves cogently,  so we are the same person at work, online  and at home.  Perhaps more relaxed in one environment,  but not fundamentally different. And to remember in each environment,  that we are communicating with other human beings,  as complicated as ourselves... 

Take notes 2

So one of my clients contacted me after my last blog piece and thought she was going to read something about taking notes during a reading.   I said that it's actually quite hard to take notes,  because there is so much information and you are asking questions,  and getting answers.  I've seen people try,  but I feel it's much better to record.

I encourage people to record their readings.  I tell people,  if you don't want it,  you can just delete it, but if you do want it and don't have it, then I can't always recall the exact words I used.  So often people return in 6 months or so and I can hear my phrases in their words and they tell me that they've listened to the recording multiple times.  One young graduate told me she was so upset with the reading, that it was only on relistening she could hear what I was actually saying and she found it very helpful and then returned fairly often over the years. 

I now do all my readings online,  so you can easily record it.   When talking about emotional topics,  it's nice to be able to mull it over in your own time,  to help sort out how it really feels for you.