Getting lost in the surface, or not feeling valued

A woman in her late thirties came to me,  all upset because her husband had bought her the $4,000 handbag when clearly the $8,000 one was so much better.  And now she was expected to be happy, but she hates the bag,  and feels ripped off.

To let me feel empathy,  I had to remove all costings and bag labels and just think about asking for something you really want and feel like you deserve and then getting something less than,  and being forced to have performitive feelings for it.  

So we began talking about communication (the cards were not good,  all upside down) and why did she need him to buy the wrong bag,  why couldn't she go with him,  how did she express all this and also,  because we are in the real world,  could he afford it?  Maybe $4,000 was as far as he could go... 

And it gave me a minute of gratitude. That I am not in her headspace,  that this is something I would never want,  but also,  compassion,  because she was so stressed and disturbed by it,  so upset with no where really to go.  It's the feeling of not being heard and not being valued.   But also,  not being able to compete,  and all the other women knowing exactly what she was given and what it meant to them. 

So I encouraged her to go back to her husband to have a real conversation,  but also,  think about how this plays out with her social circle,  and why her female friendships feels so competitive and judgemental.  She was surprised at that,  she thought all female friendships were like that. So that was a start.  Hopefully she will go into the High Priestess (her outcome card) and start to think about her life more intuitively,  rather than skating on surface impressions.  

For my own amusement I selected bags from the internet - 

The first one was a Louis Vitton retailing for approx $4,000

The second one was a Bulgari bag,  retailing for approx $8,000

The third one was a valextra bag,  retailing for approx $7,100

and the last one was a Hermes bag,  retailing for approx $35,000!!

(click away, I will not get a cut if you buy one of these bags!)

Personally,  I would not be able to tell one bag from the other,  but it was fun looking them up... 

Spread Positive Gossip

So a client came to me for a reading and told me how depresssed and stressed she is about everything right now,  and frankly,  I felt who could blame her. The news is screaching, the election is just over the top,  there are hurricanes and world news is even worse!

But then I was reading (I'm always reading!) about one way to deal with all the negativity that seems to be seeping around us,  and it was "spread positive gossip."  When funny,  charming,  hopeful things pass by,  grab them and share them.   So you have stories to counter the tough ones. 

It's not that you don't listen to your friends about their worries.  And it's not that you are some blithe hey, let's be happy while Rome is burning person.  But rather,  in a very real way,  what you pay attention to,  what you repeat to others,  affects your outlook.  So start paying attention to things that lighten you,  give you hope,  give you joy.  And acknowledge the difficult times that are occuring all around us,  but spread some positive gossip as well. 

I remember clearly last year,  after the horrors that were happening in the middle east,  I was telling a friend that for personal and world reasons,  it was a tough year.  And he replied, it's been the best year of my life.  He had a baby with his girlfriend and then married her when the baby was 5 months old.  They were all glowing in the photos.  

And I thought to myself,  I have to remember this.  I've been in a dark bubble,  but he was in a joyous one,  and I let his joy enter in and lighten me.  So now,  when I read articles about good goings on,  I repeat them in casual conversation.  And when good things happen to my friends,  I repeat that too,  so we spread a little light. 

Emotional attachment

 

"When you lose your emotional attachment to them, you begin to realize how ordinary they are and that it was your love and energy that made them unique"

Apparently this is an internet quote.  I'd not heard it in this precise way before,  but I see so often that people fall in love with what they want to see,  and when they finally disengage,  they can see that it was just another human in front of them... not a demi god or a monster.  We give them our power and they become powerful.  When we detach,  we take back our power and amazingly,  they can become powerless for us. 

And it reminds of a piece I put up a while ago.  (Just did the search and I wrote it in 2013!) with a quote from Gone with the Wind.  I called it Loving what we want to see

“I loved something I made up, something that’s just as dead as Melly is. I made a pretty suit of clothes and fell in love with it. And when Ashley came riding along, so handsome, so different, I put that suit on him and made him wear it whether it fitted him or not. And I wouldn’t see what he really was. I kept on loving the pretty clothes—and not him at all.”  Scarlett in Gone with the Wind.

People come and tell me things like this all the time (though not always with Scarlett's hard won awareness) 

It's so important to see the person as they truly are,  and not put your own suit on them, or give them all your power.

Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor

I was talking to a client about how our difficulties serve to give us more depth, and she came out with "Smooth sailing never made a skilled sailor."  

I loved it!  I'd never heard it before and she couldn't remember who said it,  but her father used to quote it often.   So after she left I looked it up.   Most commonly attributed to Franklin D Roosevelt,  32nd President of the United States,  who lead the US during WWII.

And there is always the idea that we don't want to battle difficulties - that we want smooth sailing,  we want things easy,  of course we do!  But our greatest life lessons,  they come from the difficult times,  and they test and temper us,  forging our steel to strength and sharpness.    Easy to say after the battle is over and the lesson learnt.  Harder to see while the storm is raging.  But also good to remember while the storm is raging -  life is change and the better I get at sailing through it,  the better my life will become. 

Cultural values

When you meet someon new,  and start a relationship with them, sometimes you bump into really strange expectations.  And then you complain to your friends,  and sometimes you realize,  with shock,  that what they are doing is really normal,  and you are the odd one! 

I say that families often have different cultural values (even if they come from very similiar backgrounds) and that we have to explore gently. 

Recently a woman came to me to complain about her husband's attitude to her family.  Her family drops in on each other all the time,  without so much as a text.  She sees that as completely normal and welcomes it.  His family calls to make a calander appointment for when they should next meet.  He is starting to really dislike her mother,  for her dropping by.  The cards saw storms ahead. 

I said to her that neither of them is wrong and neither of them is right. They just have different cultural norms.  He may make her a little more formal over time,  she may make him a little more casual over time,  but they have to adapt to each other's ways of doing things - and they can!  It just takes communication. 

Her mother now sees him as family and is treating him as such - really,  that's a compliment.  But he wants more notice.  And that's fine too.  Maybe we can coach mom to text before hand. Maybe we can get hubs to be okay with going to work in another room when Mom drops by.  There are solutions to be had here.  But first we have to check our expecations that our way of doing things is right and normal, and their ways are wrong and bad. 

Giving yourself some time and space

I had a reading where a woman in her 50's came in.  She had some hard cards.  She was trapped by the Emporer and had Justice Reversed in her hopes and dreams.   It turns out she had returned home to help her aging father who had alzheimers. (Best description of an Emperor/ Justice reversed  situation I've heard in some time!) 

Looking after him had turned her wands cards upside down, all her energy was going into keeping him safe and stable, but it left none for her.  

We had a long talk about caretaker burnout and compromises on her care,  to give her some space for self care.  But I was reassured by seeing the Magician as her outcome card.  She will mange to pull a rabbit out of her hat,  and it will be okay. 

Sometimes the situations we find ourselves in are just hard,  and there are few shortcuts.  Going to tarot card readers,  talking with friends,  having some fun - helps us remember the lives we can have.  It's always important to make time and space for relaxation and happiness. 

Great novels

I read a lot,  but never the books you'll find in book clubs.  I read romance,  science fiction,  post apocolypse and fantasy.  I read a lot and most of it is pretty good.  Books I'm happy to pass the time with,  books that I smile on rereading.

I read The Space Between Worlds when it first came out and really enjoyed it.  A lot of science fiction has superior writing - think of Ursuala le Guin or Margaret Atwood.  I hold Micaiah Johnson up to those standards.  The writting is excellent,  but what I reallly loved is what she did with the notion of the multiverse and how it works.  

I didn't know she had written a sequel,  I just stumbled across it on amazon.  So I reread The Space Between Worlds - love rereading! - then started the new book - Those Beyond the Wall.   Set in the same universe,  ten or so years later,  with some familiar characters but introducing the amazing Mr Scales.  I loved it even more.  

I don't want to give spoilers,  but I do want people who may be on the fence about science fiction or just buying a new book today a gentle nudge - go get this one.  Or at least read the reviews which are deep and thoughtful and show why you should immerse yourself in this gorgeous writing and fierce ideology today!