Get It in Writing

So a client was talking to me about her work dynamics and she said something so clever I have to repeat it here.

Every time she has an important conversation with management,  or a client,  she writes a thank you email.  Something like - thanks so much for taking the time to talk to me about X today,  your insights were really helpful.  I've clarified that I need to do Y and Z.  I'll start doing that today.  

Or simple words to that effect - which get a written, time stamped confirmation of the talk,  and in effect,  'get it in writing'.  Most times she just gets a 'glad I could help', sometimes she gets further clarification. It's never back fired on her,  but it's a graceful way to get the conversation confirmed in writing.

They're always telling us to get everything in writing.  Here's a simple and elegant way to do so! Also - send that email to your home email as well, so you have access to it even after you leave work... 

Gift of Aging

Most of my clients are under 40.  I'm definitely older.  But there are benefits of aging,  and sometimes I say to them things I wish were said to me,  when I was their age.

In my youth I was so aware of what other people thought or did, and if I fit in and how I fit in, and if they would think I was weird and what it all meant.  So easy to overthink,  and quite exhausting! 

Now,  far less pretty but much more assured,  I'm just me.  I don't care what others think,  and if someone has something to say about my behaviour,  I listen but don't take it on board if I don't agree.  And I can take things on board if I do agree.  It's a gift to know that you don't have to know everything;  that you can give yourself permission to grow and learn and that you know,  deep in your bones,  that you are not perfect and that it's okay. 

Maternal Ambivalence

I went to a talk recently by Dr Margo Lowy,  about her book,  Maternal Ambivalence,  the loving moments and bitter truths of motherhood.  She discussed how mothers are portrayed as endlessly giving and loving,  and any disappointment or rage or ambivalence that she may feel is immediately discounted or judged severely.  

And it got me thinking about ambivalence in general.  We want to be entirely positive or entirely negative about things.  Seeing shades of grey are not often permitted in our culture.  Something is unequivocally good,  or unremittingly bad.  But of course,  life isn't like that at all.  And the closer we are to someone,  the more we depend on them,  the more expectations we have,  the greater the capacity for disappointment and rage.  And if you are raging against a baby,  it's easier to talk yourself down - the vast majority of women are being the best parent they can be,  and though the level of best varies hugely,  very few women are actually careless and evil with their babies (some are,  of course,  but the vast majority are definitely not!)

But with adult relationships,  it's easier to rage,  and harder to talk yourself down.  I'm reading and seeing so much dysfunction in committed relationships lately,  and it's becoming so easy to walk away,  and it worries me.  Any long term married person will tell you there were ebbs and flows in the marriage,  good times,  even great times,  and bad times,  even awful times.  And they worked through it and now the marriage is much more good than bad.  But fewer are working through it, and maybe they shouldn't be worked through, maybe marriages should be allowed to fray.  

But I feel like we are losing something precious,  when we don't let ourselves feel ambivalence, or don't let ourselves know that all relationships,  including parent child relationships,  will have good times and bad,  and that if we work through the difficult,  boring,  enraging times,  we can come to something very good indeed. 

What does success look like

Did a tarot reading for a woman recently who asked me with tears in her eyes 'what does success look like?'  It's such a personal question.  Success can be anything,  depending on where you are coming from.  But many people read their success from the opinions of others - family and friends,  but also strangers.  Why are we giving people such power in lives?  People we may never meet,  people we actually don't like,  and somehow their opinion colors us. 

There's a wonderful card in the Tarot - the last card of the Major Arcana,  called the World Card.

When you draw it,  I say that you are not the center of the world, but the center of your own world,  you are comfortable in your own skin,  you feel you are in the right place at the right time. 

The world card,  that's what success looks like! 

Things I am not buying today

I read something on threads where a woman was saying how she fills her shopping cart and then never buys it.  I know how she feels. What I do is have a pinterest page called Things I am not buying today - and if I see something I like,  I grab that image and save it to that page.  And then a while later I look at it and see if I still need it. So often they go stale as they sit in the folder,  and it's easy to delete them.  Sometimes they don't,  and then I do the math and see if it's time to buy them.  I also have pinterest pages for other things I like to collect,  like teapots, or shoes. 

This works for everything except beads.  I can buy beads every day.  I don't,  but the desire never leaves. I have a  pinterest page of bead designs that excite me,  and I really do love it! 

Another thing is,  when you collect beads,  sooner or later you do have to do something with them and then one day you wake up and realize you have 57 necklaces,  and really, no one needs that many necklaces. Moving to creating bracelets does not help long term.  So I give them as birthday gifts.  Personal,  with the colors you love,  for an outfit I know.  And some people ask me why I don't sell them,  and I say,  you don't have to monetize everything.  Some things you can do just for love/joy.  

So let yourself go wild with a pinterest page of things you are not buying today,  it really does help,  and clients have fed back to me that it did make them feel less deprived and they really didn't need to buy most of it a month or so later.  And let yourself do crafts/ bake/ make - just for the sake of making. Share what you love,  and don't feel guilty if you are not hustling to make it something bigger.  Keeping you creative is big enough! 

Money Secrets

People will happily talk to friends about dating disasters,  sexual disasters,  embarrassing moments and that weird thing that happened when they were in the changing room at Nordstrom.  But what they rarely talk about is money. 

I never knew that there was a special tax exemption on financial gifts to adult children,  so you can give them $18,000 a year,  every year,  without incurring tax implications.   But I certainly learnt about it in New York.  I did know that a lot of my TriBeCa friends and clients were definitely getting help from family,  especially when it came to their or their children's school fees. 

So if you are struggling with money and wondering how your friends are making it better than you,  don't beat yourself up,  just know that they are getting family help.

And I'm not judging or being mean about family money.  A safety net is a glorious thing.  You can make better decisions,  have better choices, and have some breathing space with a good safety net.  It's sometimes, if you don't have that safety net,  you can wonder what it is you are doing wrong.  I'm here to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.  Everyone has their path,  some people have it easier in one respect,  others have it easier in another.  But no one has a completely easy path.  So don't let yourself get overwhelmed by what other people do or do not have (so easy to do in a city like New York.)  And try to see where you have it easy,  so you can have some gratitude around it (a healthy body,  a curious mind,  some grounded friends,  a loving companion - animal or human.)  Everything is easier with genuine gratitude. 

The Overton window

I came across a concept that I had thought about but never had put into words,  and this did it so elegantly.

So here it is for you - the Overton Window.

The Overton window looks at how ideas in society change over time,  from unacceptable to normal to affecting politics and changing laws.   

For example - a clear one is working women.  Of course women have always worked, a small group of women did not work and that is because they were very  wealthy. Most women worked but it was hidden - they would take in washing,  they would grow and sell vegetables,  or sew, or make beer.  They would do all sorts of side businesses, whether they were married or not. But during the World Wars,  while millions of men were deployed,  someone had to  work for the countries to run.  And suddenly there were women,  single and married, no longer working in side or home businesses, but actually in the factory,  in the stores.  And once they were out of the house,  it wasn't long before some were in colleges,  then not just doing 'women's work',  they were lawyers and accountants,  judges and surgeons.  Then all these working women began to change policies,  they now had bank accounts in their own names,  they could create business and serve on boards.  The Overton window had shifted on the issue of women's work,  from unacceptable to radical, then somewhat acceptable in special circumstances and now it's normal, popular and affected lots of policies and laws. 

For the longest time everyone believed in the divine right of Kings.  Kings were appointed and anointed by God.  Watching the coronation of King Charles III, I was struck by how medieval the whole ceremony was.  But then the window started to move,  and now,  very few if any - in the West - believe that Kings are anointed by God and the best and only way to rule a country.  So even though that belief was very strongly held by lots of people for the longest time,  and absolutely affected the law, it is now almost completely out of the Overton window. 

But this idea,  that our opinions can shift and change not only our own individual lives but our cultures as well, that's a very powerful concept.    And the window is moving all the time.  Shifting around sexuality,  around gender,  around education,  around trust in institutions.   And knowing that,  enables us to see the shifts and protect what is important to us.  Things won't stay in the window just because they have been there for some time.   

This is just a really interesting way of looking at how ideas change and shift over time,  and a way of looking at your own personal ideas and seeing where they fit in the window,  and if you care or not.  Some mainstream beliefs,  once challenged,  are easy to let go of.  Others you may find really difficult to let go of.  Just because something is popular,  doesn't mean it will be popular for ever,  doesn't mean it's right.   Just means its the norm for society now.  

I sense that the Overton window is moving very rapidly in the US right now,  and people should be looking at it closely -  what is acceptable now,  that wasn't acceptable even a decade ago. What is done now that wasn't done in the recent past. And what are our opinions on these shifts.