Money Secrets

People will happily talk to friends about dating disasters,  sexual disasters,  embarrassing moments and that weird thing that happened when they were in the changing room at Nordstrom.  But what they rarely talk about is money. 

I never knew that there was a special tax exemption on financial gifts to adult children,  so you can give them $18,000 a year,  every year,  without incurring tax implications.   But I certainly learnt about it in New York.  I did know that a lot of my TriBeCa friends and clients were definitely getting help from family,  especially when it came to their or their children's school fees. 

So if you are struggling with money and wondering how your friends are making it better than you,  don't beat yourself up,  just know that they are getting family help.

And I'm not judging or being mean about family money.  A safety net is a glorious thing.  You can make better decisions,  have better choices, and have some breathing space with a good safety net.  It's sometimes, if you don't have that safety net,  you can wonder what it is you are doing wrong.  I'm here to tell you that you are doing nothing wrong.  Everyone has their path,  some people have it easier in one respect,  others have it easier in another.  But no one has a completely easy path.  So don't let yourself get overwhelmed by what other people do or do not have (so easy to do in a city like New York.)  And try to see where you have it easy,  so you can have some gratitude around it (a healthy body,  a curious mind,  some grounded friends,  a loving companion - animal or human.)  Everything is easier with genuine gratitude. 

The Overton window

I came across a concept that I had thought about but never had put into words,  and this did it so elegantly.

So here it is for you - the Overton Window.

The Overton window looks at how ideas in society change over time,  from unacceptable to normal to affecting politics and changing laws.   

For example - a clear one is working women.  Of course women have always worked, a small group of women did not work and that is because they were very  wealthy. Most women worked but it was hidden - they would take in washing,  they would grow and sell vegetables,  or sew, or make beer.  They would do all sorts of side businesses, whether they were married or not. But during the World Wars,  while millions of men were deployed,  someone had to  work for the countries to run.  And suddenly there were women,  single and married, no longer working in side or home businesses, but actually in the factory,  in the stores.  And once they were out of the house,  it wasn't long before some were in colleges,  then not just doing 'women's work',  they were lawyers and accountants,  judges and surgeons.  Then all these working women began to change policies,  they now had bank accounts in their own names,  they could create business and serve on boards.  The Overton window had shifted on the issue of women's work,  from unacceptable to radical, then somewhat acceptable in special circumstances and now it's normal, popular and affected lots of policies and laws. 

For the longest time everyone believed in the divine right of Kings.  Kings were appointed and anointed by God.  Watching the coronation of King Charles III, I was struck by how medieval the whole ceremony was.  But then the window started to move,  and now,  very few if any - in the West - believe that Kings are anointed by God and the best and only way to rule a country.  So even though that belief was very strongly held by lots of people for the longest time,  and absolutely affected the law, it is now almost completely out of the Overton window. 

But this idea,  that our opinions can shift and change not only our own individual lives but our cultures as well, that's a very powerful concept.    And the window is moving all the time.  Shifting around sexuality,  around gender,  around education,  around trust in institutions.   And knowing that,  enables us to see the shifts and protect what is important to us.  Things won't stay in the window just because they have been there for some time.   

This is just a really interesting way of looking at how ideas change and shift over time,  and a way of looking at your own personal ideas and seeing where they fit in the window,  and if you care or not.  Some mainstream beliefs,  once challenged,  are easy to let go of.  Others you may find really difficult to let go of.  Just because something is popular,  doesn't mean it will be popular for ever,  doesn't mean it's right.   Just means its the norm for society now.  

I sense that the Overton window is moving very rapidly in the US right now,  and people should be looking at it closely -  what is acceptable now,  that wasn't acceptable even a decade ago. What is done now that wasn't done in the recent past. And what are our opinions on these shifts. 

Best Easter Bonnets

These are all from the New York Times -  New York doing what it does best,  doing something completely over the top and giving us something to smile about... 

Happy Easter,  Hope yours was full of Chocolate and rabbits and good times... 

Trending posts

Every so often I look at my stats and see an old post trending.  A post that was written years ago.  Recently the old post was the 10 of swords. Even though I wrote it in 2010,  for some reason people were looking it up this week. 

The 10 of swords is a very strong card.  You don't need to be a tarot card reader to understand it,  it's one of the more visceral cards. 

However,  no matter the pain or the despair,  where there is life,  there is survival.  And where there is survival,  there is hope. 

We may feel like there are 10 swords in our back,  betrayed and abandoned.  But in the traditional tarot,  a streak of dawn shows.  The worst is over,  now we can recover,  and one day we'll be able to look back and see that we survived. 

Some weeks are harder than others,  and maybe that's why people are drawing and then looking up the 10 of swords.  If this is has been your card this week,  I wish you well.  

If you want to talk about it, please email (tribecatarotreader@gmail.com) ,  whatsap (liatsilberman) or text me, (+61 477 043 555) and we can set up an appointment. 

Sonder, a poem by Danielle Coffyn

I follow Danielle Coffyn on Threads,  and so far I've loved everything she's written. 

Here is a poem of hers about I concept I think about often - Sonder.  Danielle Coffyn describes Sonder as the profound feeling of realizing that everyone, including strangers passing in the street, has a life as complex as one's own, which they are constantly living despite one's personal lack of awareness of it.

Sonder

the woman who took your parking spot just lost 

her job & the boy howling because there are no 

more croissants is overwhelmed by the noise

& your colleague is bursting with excitement

because she is expecting but its too soon to tell

& your sister decided now is not a good time to be

a mom & the neighbor who hasn't mowed the lawn

in weeks is struggling to find a reason to get out 

of bed & your mother is celebrating ten years

of quiet sobriety & the man buying whiskey just

put down his dog & your best friends is planning

to propose to the love of her life & you are lost

in your own to-do list but all these lives

are important & brutal & beautiful & true.

Let's just sit with that for a moment.  

Isn't it exquisite...

Niche Interests

So this podcast just covered all my favorite niche interests - Medieval England,  Kings,  Tyrants,  Rule of Law and how to stop tyranny.  (I know,  were you expecting that list from me?)  Most times I just read long fantasy novels to get my fix and a satisfying outcome. (Currently reading the Age of Madness series,  set in universe mirroring revolutionary Europe,  and very much enjoying it!)    

Here Michael Goldfarb  and Dr Helen Castor talk about how Trump is more a bad medieval king than anything else.  

One of the most interesting facts Dr Castor mentioned was that  Richard II was a legitimate king,  heir from a legitimate king,  so overthrowing him without being a treasonous traitor, was very hard.  But when the king broke the rules of inheritance, to steal Henry Bolingbrokes' (his enemy and possible claimant to the throne,) that's when the nobles left him.  After all,  Richard's claim to the throne was also only through inheritance and if he broke those laws,  then how could he keep his claim? 

When Trump breaks the rules that got him into power,  they will come for him,  and he will either break the pattern or be dethroned. 

Fascinating. 

And baby makes three

So many women come to me when they are trying to become pregnant (we all agree, that 'fall' is such a dreadful term when you are doing everything you can and it's just not happening.) 

But many women also come to me once the baby is born,  and nothing is like they expected/ hoped for. 

When we move from a dyad - two people forming a pair bonding - to a triad - three humans forming a bonding,  all sorts of weird and wonderful things can happen. 

Dyads are easier,  because there is only you and one other to take into account.  Threesomes (those kinds as well) are much harder.  If we square 2,  we get 4.  But if we square 3 we get 9.  Many more possibilities.

And if the new human is tiny and demanding and frankly unreasonable,  it can upset the original dyad catastrophically. 

So when you have a baby,  lots of things change.  Not only the obvious,  but also the subtle interactions of the Dyad now rarely exist.  The Triad now dominates even if only 2 of them are in the room.  So the parent with the baby (most often the mother) can get resentful of the missing parent.  And even if both parents are together and the infant is with a trusted sitter,  the existence of the third,  still impacts the pair,  even when not present. 

Sometimes just pointing this out can help.  They can see the triangulations going on,  can catch the dynamics before they start splintering things.  

As always,  a little self awareness can go a long way...   

Dealing with Clutter

I know,  I know,  it's some new twenty first century phenomenon.  Our great grandparents crossed continents with two sea trunks,  and we have so much stuff... everywhere!  So if you have too much,  and feel overwhelmed,  number one,  you are not alone in this!

And I know all the good questions - does it spark joy?  will you use it in the next 3 years?  Is it easily replaceable?

And I know and offer all the good suggestions - do a drawer a week,  nothing more than that but do it every week.  Write lists and follow through,  start with a space that really matters to you (around the computer,  makeup shelf,  coat closet - something that bugs you now.) Give your stuff to charity,  it's not trashing it,  it's giving it to someone in need.  Photograph it, collate it,  organize it.. 

And still,  sometimes you are just drowning in stuff.

I am lucky.  I've changed countries 4 times so I'm quite streamlined.  My one strong suggestion is put nothing into storage,  if it can live 10 miles from you,  you don't need it.  

Whatever you do,  just don't keep drowning in it.  One step at a time,  and a year later,  the place is cleaned.  Whenever I put my summer wardrobe in plastic boxes and bring my winter wardrobe out,  I go through my clothes,  the old,  the tired,  the tatty,  I let them go.   

So find a habit that works for you,  and just start.  I know,  this isn't the instant solution people want  (though I do know people who have hired declutterers to help them go through a room and be ruthless on their behalf. So if you are drowning,  you can get someone to help you.) But if you are doing it on your own,  it's a marathon, not a sprint,  give yourself time and breaks to get it done. 

April Fools

I actually hate pranks,  there's always an underlying cruelty to them.  I hate surprise parties - all day long you're sad that no one has remembered your birthday,  and then surprise,  everyone is there,  so you have to take all those disappointed feelings and throw them away and be cheerful and grateful.  I also hate performative gratitude.  I don't want to be forced to be grateful or thankful or humble.

Which goes to say,  no April Fools here today,  and no surprise parties either. But I do like giving and getting gifts for no reason, other than I saw it and thought of you...  Now those I like a lot!