Happy Mother's Day

This can be a wonderful, celebratory day,  or it can be something far more complicated. 

One mother of adult children came to me to tell me how distressed she was because her adult children have planned nothing special for her this weekend.  Another adult woman told me she hated this day since her mother had passed six years ago and her remarried father wanted her to celebrate it with his new wife. 

Like Christmas,  like Thanksgiving,  complicated family dynamics can make for a complicated festival.  If you are not getting what you want from the day,  try to sort out for yourself what it is that you need,  what can you do that will make it better for you.  Perhaps coordinate a hotel brunch with your adult children, perhaps tell your father that are busy today but will see them next weekend.  Perhaps go out with your childfree friends,  perhaps acknowledge that your adult children are celebrating with their children and this is a more young child's festival.  

But absolutely do something that gives you joy today. 

Small Triumphs

Some days are difficult,  some weeks are full of tasks that you don't want to do.  It can feel overwhelming.  The 8 of swords dominating. 

I really do feel that when these times happen,  lists are such a friend!  I write lists just for the joy of crossing things out.  I write lists so I have things timed and dated as to when I did something,  so if  need be I can look back and see how and when things were done.  I write lists because the edges of the notepad contain the anxiety I have,  and make it manageable.  Yes,  there might be 20 awful things on the list,  but if I do one a day,  then in 3 weeks,  it's done! 

For a minute there I felt like I was living in the world of "there's a hole in my bucket" (that reference was old in my childhood, I know!!  Also talk about weaponized incompetence, that song is dreadful!)  But slowly I got all my papers and everything I needed,  and now my tasks,  while annoying,  are doable.

So that's what I tell my clients when they are feeling overwhelmed.  Shrink each task into small manageable bites,  don't overcommit,  do a small bit every day,  and set yourself up to succeed - don't try when to do C when you know you need A or B completed first.  Break it down so you know what you need and start with the simplest things and build upwards.  

Today I closed a foreign credit card,  I had all the paperwork in order,  I stayed on hold for 45 minutes,  and then,  voila,  it was done!  Small triumph but sweet indeed!  Use that Queen of Swords energy, and get things done! 

The Vampire Problem

Every so often I come across a new to me idea or approach,  and I  write about here a) so I don't forget it and b) when I inevitably mention it in a future reading,  I  have a good link to share. 

L.A Paul is a philosopher and she became famous writing about transformative experiences,  with having a child as a key example.   The you that you may become post child is unknown and unknowable to the you that is thinking about whether or not to have a child. The act of having a child is so transformative that the you that decided to have a child just could not formulate how much this would affect you and what it would do to your life. Even if you thought about it very carefully and rationally,  the unknowns are too unknowable in each particular instance,  that on some level,   you operate without truly knowing how this will impact you.

And the example she came up was the Vampire Problem.  Let's say you are debating whether to become a vampire.  You won't really ever know what it's like to be a vampire until after the event.  So all your foreknowledge or research is not really useful,  because the being that you are after the transformation may be so different to the one who made the decision and that being may have completely different values/agendas - because of the transformation that the old you decided!

What makes a transformative experience?

1.  The choice is irreversible - in the case of having a child,  it's probably one of the few one way doors in life (Love that phrase,  it comes from Sebasatiano Merlino on threads. )

2. There is an experience gap: It is impossible for you to know how the experience will impact you until you go through it.

3. It is transformative:  the you that is deciding is not the same you that will deal with the decision.

I like this.  It's just a way of look at transformative experiences and giving us some idea of how to think about them. 

I think I'm drawn to this right now because I am going through a transformative experience of my own - from wife of 38 years to widow,  and it soothes me on some level to know that it doesn't matter what I try to control now,  the me I'll be down the track may be so different,  that these decisions may have completely different resonances.  And that helps me to let go of anxiety.  I can't control for it,  I'm in the midst of it,  it is happening no matter what.