Current Favorite Poem

At lunch today a friend told me that she was reading the poetry of Erica Jong.  And straight away, not having read any of her works for years,  I said the one about housework? 

Here it is,  in case you haven't read it:

Woman Enough

Because my grandmother’s hours

were apple cakes baking,

& dust motes gathering,

& linens yellowing

& seams and hems

inevitably unraveling

I almost never keep house

though really I like houses

& wish I had a clean one.

 

Because my mother’s minutes

were sucked into the roar

of the vacuum cleaner,

because she waltzed with the washer-dryer

& tore her hair waiting for repairmen

I send out my laundry,

& live in a dusty house,

though really I like clean houses

as well as anyone.

 

I am woman enough

to love the kneading of bread

as much as the feel

of typewriter keys

under my fingers

springy, springy.

& the smell of clean laundry

& simmering soup

are almost as dear to me

as the smell of paper and ink.

 

I wish there were not a choice;

I wish I could be two women.

I wish the days could be longer.

But they are short.

So I write while

the dust piles up.

 

I sit at my typewriter

remembering my grandmother

& all my mothers,

& the minutes they lost

loving houses better than themselves

& the man I love cleans up the kitchen

grumbling only a little

because he knows

that after all these centuries

it is easier for him

than for me.

Just in Time vs Just in Case

Just in Time (JIT) and Just in Case (JIC) are phrases used in logistics,  especially for manufacturing. JIT wants the products to arrive just in time,  as needed,  meaning less costs for storage and more streamlining.   JIC,  wants the products sitting there waiting,  just in case of need,  where you pay more because you have them longer before using them,  but you have built in protection if something goes wrong. 

I am so a Just in Case kind of gal.  I think all mothers are - you take an extra change of clothing - just in case it's needed.  Yes your carry bag is bigger,  but you are relaxed and carefree because even if there is a huge unexpected throw-up,  you're covered.

It also worked for me really well during Covid,  because I actually did have 2 of those enormous packs of toilet paper hiding the in the cupboard (they are so much cheaper when you buy them that way, and they can't go off,  why not have two lots of 48 toilet rolls?) 

My pantry is full of weird jars and cans,  but it means we never run out of staples and can bake a hummingbird cake any day of the week (oil based rather than butter,  so you really can make it solely from pantry products.)

I don't think one is better than the other, though the logistics world is definitely selling Just In Time as the savvier option. I think one may suit your personality more than the other.  I couldn't force myself to be a just in time person,  I would be stressed and anxious.  And I don't mind over packing (I had friends tell me with great pride that they flew to Europe for 2 weeks with only carry on luggage,  and I just thought - why,  why was that even a goal?) 

So using that other great phrase - your mileage may vary (ymmv) let yourself work within the system that suits you best! 

When casual conversation touches a nerve

Often social chit chat leaves a lot to be desired.  People who don't know you,  just cast about for a topic and chose...  So what do you do? When you are unemployed and feeling vulnerable about it.  Or,  so are you dating anyone special? When you are single and don't want to be.  I tried for many years to become pregnant.  I can't tell you how many weddings/family events I went to where distant uncles and aunts asked me why I wasn't pregnant,  what was going on.  After about 5 years,  I finally said to them,  I'm doing all I can,  it's in God's hands now. And then they backed off. 

Often they don't want to hurt you or hit your bruise.  They are just chit-chatting away.  And it's up to you how real you want to be.  You can socialize back,  saying nothing real,  nothing substantial.  Maybe there is nothing to say to those folks.  Or you can make it real,  but end up feeling even more vulnerable and misunderstood if they don't respond back in a sensitive way.  You can stop going out with those people,  though many of them are well meaning and new strangers might also ask,  so what do you do...

When people come to me with these issues,  I say you have to practice what you are going to say in each situation - to the stranger at a party,  to the friend of a friend,  to  your mother.  Each person/situation might merit a different answer,  a different level of truth.   But I do encourage people to say something real,  rather than out and out lie.  It's hard to keep lies alive,  takes effort and energy and most people don't feel better after lying.  

So you find the way to phrase it so it works for you, keeping as true as you can.  Also,  I never ask people what they do,  I ask how's it going?  What are you up to?  Let's train ourselves in better questions,  so we don't inadvertently touch other people's nerves. 

Edited to add:

While online I came across a conversation where people were lamenting the awful,  where are you from, which can sound anything from interested to condescending to racist.  And one person suggested asking,  where's home for you?  which is a much better phrasing and allows for all sorts of answers and doesn't press any buttons. So that's what I am going to do from now on. 

New Year's Resolutions

It's that time of year again - when we are starting a fresh page and have all sorts of intentions we wish to honor and new behaviours we wish to keep.  Here's a nice article about how to make new habits stick. 

Katy Milkman is right that some habits take longer to 'stick' than others,  and that temptation bundling (which I think of as rewards) can be super helpful.  Also,  the easier it is to do a new thing, the more likely you are to do it.  So get that food delivery order,  so that you can eat cheaper and better at home.  Join the gym at the end of your street.  I always tell people that the best exercise for you is the one you are willing to do. So it doesn't matter what the experts say,  listen to your body.  If you love dancing,  join a dance class.  If you hate weights,  don't do them.  I'm an aqua aerobics girl all the way,  and I've been going 3 times a week more or less,  for years now.  I know I should do more weights,  but I hate those classes.  Go to the classes,  go at the times that work for you.  

So if you are making resolutions to try new habits,  build the time into your schedule,  scaffold yourself up and I wish you all the best for the New Year.