Saying of the week

I love this saying and use it often:

If you want to go fast,  go alone.  If you want to go far,  go together

It is so much easier and faster to do things by yourself.  But if you always doing things by yourself,  it can get exhausting and lonely.  We can do it for a bit,  but I certainly couldn't do it for long.

To get far,  you need some support,  you need people on the journey with you.  So find your tribe,  and get going!

(of course finding your tribe can be a whole 'nother story. I'll do a seperate blog about that,  in the meantime you can read this one about friendship.)

Crying and feeling healed

I'm meandering through the internet,  as I often do.  I have a big family event on soon and am taking a break from the relentless planning and doing.  It's all on my shoulders,  as things often are of late.  So I'm a little resentful,  even though the event will be wonderful.

So I'm reading a bit here and there and come across this column from Dear Sugar: The Obliterated Space,  written in 2012. 

And now I'm crying,  and I'm emptied from my petty resentments and I'm aware of things much bigger than me, much better than I'll ever be,  and I'm comforted and hurting and in pain and calmer. 

The article is about grief around death - for one a mother who only lived to 45 and the other a son who only lived to 22. So be prepared for that.  So you'll cry.  But it's also beautiful.  What do we do with pain and grief and rage and loss and how do we live with it.  It's like a soft acid bath that burns away the dross and leaves you with gold.  

This is what the internet is really for - for reaching out and connecting and seeing situations and people in new lights,  seeing yourself in a new light.  

Before taking on commitments ask these 3 questions

When someone asks you to do something for them,  ask yourself these three questions:

Can I do it?

Am I willing to do it?

Will I feel resentment if I do it?

I think these questions are so important.  There are things I can't do,  things I can do but am not willing to do,  things that just make me feel resentful. If I feel resentful or not willing,  is the outcome worth it?  

Recently I did a complicated government form application,  which relied on me having done several other simpler government form things earlier in the year.  I had to do it, there was no one else who could do it for me.  So I broke it into the smallest possible tasks and started with them.  As things grew more complex,  at least I had all the simple stuff done and accurate.  It took me over 6 months,  and then it was done.  I did feel exhausted and resentful during the process,  but then afterwards,  I felt overwhelmingly grateful that it was done,  done well,  done successfully.  

Sometimes people ask for help and I have to say,  I'm so sorry,  I just don't have the bandwidth for that now.  Sometimes people ask for help,  and I say,  sure,  let's do it now.  But I do ask myself these three questions.  And if I will feel resentment,  I ask myself what other options do I have?  Can I deal with this feeling? Is the end result worth it?  If it's not,  then don't do it!

All images from the wonderful This Might Hurt Tarot Deck by Isabella Rothman

Clear is kind, unclear is unkind

I'm always happy to read Brene Brown.   She says she originally heard it the line in a 12 step program,  but she's adopted it in her own inimitable way. 

When I first moved to NYC people warned me that they would be brusque and unhelpful,  but compared to Australians,  most American's,  even New Yorkers,  are more kind and evasive than clear and direct.  Especially corporate America.  All one thing to your face,  another once you've left the room.  

But I really value clarity.  I always say I'd like a hard truth than a soft lie.  At least there is something solid with the truth.  And you being clear,  that let's me know where I stand.  If you are unclear,  how am I to know what you mean?

I have so many women come to me for tarot readings asking about men they've dated.  Men who have been unclear to the point that the women have no idea what is going on.  It would be so much kinder,   had they been clear.  Unclear is definitely unkind for many people. 

So next time you avoid being clear,  remember this line - clear is kind,  it's better to have one uncomfortable conversation and see what's going on, than evade and never get to knowing. 

Mismatched sex drives

So readings come in waves for me.  Sometimes they are all about work.  This time,  they've been about marriages and mismatched sex drives.  I find it so interesting that people from all around the world can come to me with the same problems.

So I talk to them about appetites.  Imagine always being hungry,  you only get to eat once a week.  And even if the food is delicious,  you know you are not getting any more after that.

Or imagine always being overfed.  You are full,  you feel bloated,  and here is another meal - still delicious but now it feels nauseating.  You just don't want to eat! why can't they understand that.

When I put it into food,  people start seeing what I am saying.  There is nothing morally wrong or superior about being always hungry or always full.  It's just a different drive alignment.  The trick is how to handle it within the marriage.  

When I gave this analogy one client said,  yes,  he never lets me get hungry for it! If only I could have the time to get hungry,  we'd both enjoy it more.  And the other client said I always feel like I'm starving and I'm starting to feel resentful.  They could see the picture clearly. 

Now what to do?

Well,  that's a really complicated question and each couple has to come up with it's own answer.  I'm strongly against force feeding!  But some people correlate affection with sex,  and can't have one without the other,  which leaves everyone dissatisfied.  And I do want both parties within the marriage to be satisfied.  Sometimes just having non sexual terms to discuss the issue, makes it less heated and more objective.  Let's start with that and see what individual answers we can find,  without judgement or blame.